Friday, December 19, 2008


Is that guy clutch? Apparently.

But I hate clutch. When someone tells me that a player is "clutch", it immediately chaps my balls like they were exposed to 20 minutes of a fierce arctic breeze. It chaps my balls so hard that I immediately throw on Ralph Lauren Chaps. And some assless chaps. And start calling friends "chaps". Because I am, through extension of my balls, chapped as motherducking fluck when I hear about "clutch". I hate this stupid argument.

And I don't care if FJM and others have pounded the no-clutch mantra into our heads ad-nauseam. This work must not cease until clutch is no longer recognized as a player's main redeeming quality. The reason Robert Horry got paid. The reason people actually think Jeter is the best player on the Yankees. Or why A-Rod sucks in the playoffs, even though he's far better than Jeter statistically. I guess it's the intangibles. Well, intangibles can suck on my chapped balls.

I was reading on a Steeler's message board about Hines Ward's clutchiness and Roethlisberger's clutchiness and saw the quote:

"If you are up at the end of the second quarter, what have you won - jack fucking squat
If you are up at the end of the fourth quarter, what have you won - the fucking game"

Brilliant logic. That reads as if Mike Tyson put on a retard condom and raped that sentence with it. And then kept raping it after it screamed at him to stop and maced him. And not only did he not stop, but he finished inside the sentence after breaking the retard condom.

Well, if Roethlisberger is so clutch, what happened in the Colts game? Or the Eagles game? Or even the Browns game when they could have iced it? IT IS NOT CLUTCH. It is a good QB having a good drive in which the situation of the game favor good QB play. Defenses back off, Arians is relegated towards using normal passing plays instead of moronic rollout tosses to Max Starks, and the offense has an extra down to work with. Good QBs will have success there. And sometimes, they won't. Also, didn't Hines Ward drop a big pass against the Cowboys that lead to a punt instead of 1st and 10 on the 15 yard line? CLUTCH!

I'll buy the argument of some players getting nervous and performing worse in the clutch. To a point. But don't tell me some players all of the sudden get better when there are 2 minutes left. Do they concentrate more? If that's the case, they should be cut for not paying attention during the first 58 minutes of the game, which still count, by the way. If you don't suck in the first half, then you might not have to lead a 90 yard drive to win the game at the end. And Nate Washington is not clutch for catching two absolutely wide open catches on that final drive. He's just an NFL receiver. He is supposed to catch the ball when no one is within 20 feet of him, regardless of what quarter it is.

It follows that these must also be true:

- If you beat the fuck out of your kids, but send them off to college at the end and they end up with decent jobs, you are a clutch parent. CLUTCH!

- Tom Brady does not drive an automatic transmission, because he is so clutch. He must drive a manual. With clutch. No paddle shifters.

- If you double-clutch a shot, like Michael Jordan did over Craig Ehlo, the shot is twice as clutch.

- If you have a kitten and keep forgetting to feed it and it almost dies but you hear it crying and finally give it some food to keep it alive, then you are a clutch pet-owner.

- If you wreck every car you have until your insurance threatens to cut you off and then after that you don't wreck your car that day, you are a clutch driver.

- Making an R&B CD where every song sucks except the last one makes you a clutch R&B singer.

- If you are a cop involved in a shootout and you shoot 8 innocent bystanders to death but then finally kill the terrorist guy before he blows up a building, well...that's just clutch policework.

- If I put together some terrible document that I have to send out by the end of the day and just really suck at it, and still slack off to the point that I barely get it done in time, and then it is deemed to be barely acceptable, then I am a clutch employee. Hey! I'M CLUTCH!!!!

So don't chap my balls, people.


Cotter said...

"It chaps my balls so hard that I immediately throw on...And some assless chaps."


...and take pictures.

...and send them to Peter King.

You know he'd love that shit.

Rage said...

and then he'd take credit for it like:

" I was talking football with (insert name-drop here) and my old friend Vern calls me to tell me how awesome it is that I never call any player clutch, then he sends over a picture in assless chaps so it would amuse me while I ponder my gravitational pull on all sports."

Vern said...

The funny thing is that if Peter King's balls were really chapped he'd actually mention it in his column and give details of how and why his balls are all windchapped by arctic breezes.

eyebleaf said...

That's a great idea, Cotter...