Friday, December 5, 2008
The commercials on the radio are so much worse than the ones on TV
I used to have an MP3 CD player. But then I got a new car, with a regular CD player, and I get tired of making CDs every now and then. Right now is one of those times. However, even though I don't have any CDs, I have not developed an aversion to sound, and so I have to listen to the radio. I hate the radio. But what are you gonna do, you know?
So, I have to deal with the radio commercials. I listen to a talk radio show in the morning, South Florida's Paul and Young Ron show, led by a guy named Paul and another guy named, well, Young Ron. Actually just Ron. Young is a nickname. Like Young Jeezy or Young Buck. Or something. And this station particularly has some of the gayest commercials I've ever heard. Like, they make the Saved by Zero and $5 Footlong and all those TV commercials look absolutely genius by comparison.
Here's the problem, radio...you don't have pictures or video or anything. No one can see you. So stop pretending that we can. Just tell me what I need to know. Don't set up some long screen play or use stupid sounds to give me some kind of mental imagery or anything like that. Just be like, "Hey motherfuckers, yinz got dirty laundry? Well Sears is having a sale on laundry detergent! Come to Sears, dicksmokers!". If I really need some laundry detergent, maybe I'll come to Sears. But nooooo, gotta try to be all funny and stuff. Here's two recent examples that have made me consider taking a gun safety course with Plaxico Burress:
First, a Domino's commercial in which they do the usual "omg, you can't go to (random no-name place) and get a(n) (item) as good as (name brand store's) (item)!". Some guy calls Random Jeff's House of Sandwiches and asks for a baked Domino's sandwich of some sort. "Can you do this like Domino's and deliver it to my doorstep?"...what, you want us to halfass it and send some dude that takes an hour to get there? Oh, wait, this is radio. "Dude, this isn't Domino's, I can't make delicious sandwiches like Domino's, dude, I'm not bringing it to your door, dude, dudedudedude, etc.", and the whole time, I'm seeing no reason to go to a place as annoying as Domino's. And why doesn't this dude just call Domino's if he wants one of their terrible sandwiches? If I call Taco Bell and ask for a Chipolte burrito and they can't do it, did they just get served or something? Like, did I win? And this is disregarding the likely fact that most small sandwich shops are probably many times better than Domino's, which is kind of universally known for guzzling balls. Whatevs.
Then the dude on the phone is like, "you don't have an oven that goes to 450 degrees like Domino's?"...holy hell. 450 degrees? That's supposed to be impressive? The average kitchen is now a Domino's. Of course, the guy in the sandwich shop says they have a microwave that barely even works. Where the hell is this sandwich shop? Haiti? Did this guy call Port-au-Prince Subs expecting them to deliver a dirt and rice sandwich across the Caribbean? Jeez. Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza in this area comes on the radio and says hey, we have good pizza, it's cooked in a brick oven that goes to 1800 degrees, come try some, peace out. That's how a radio commercial should be. And at least their oven is something special. Domino's, are you really proud of having an oven that is barely hotter than Juvenile's first CD?
But that one pales in comparison to the recent Burger King commercial all over the radio here. In fact, it doesn't just pale in comparison, it Greg Ostertag's in comparison. It's that pale. In comparison, that is. Whatevs. It's about BK's two whoppers for $3 on Wednesday promotion. And how awesome it is.
When I say how awesome it is, I don't mean they say how good it is. No, they actually use the word awesome about 20 times, settling on calling Burger King "Awesome King" and calling the Wednesday deals "Awesomest Awednesdays". Pronounced "ends-days". Seriously? You have to be kidding me. Who came up with this? Who approved it? They should not only be fired, they should be forced to work as Jose Canseco's personal fluffer. That along with the guitar riffs in the background..."Awesome! *crazy guitar riff* OMG SO AWESOME! AWESOME KING!!!"...how can you not want to kill yourself? How is a life in the same world as these commercials even worth living? It's not, and I really think we should just all kill ourselves in protest. You first, of course.
So there you go Awesome King, I'm declaring a jihad against myself in response to your gayness at Gay King on Gayest Gednesdays. I am going to lead my own personal Jonestown in response to your stupid commercial. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get about 500 gallons of Grape Flavor-Aid.