Monday, December 29, 2008

Bill Simmons' gaybag


I had thought that people were beginning to tire of Bill Simmons' act. You know, the one where he sits around and pretends that him and his friends are the cool sports fans and they rag on people and they are so funny and everybody wants to be cool and funny like them.

But, much to my surprise, it's even worse than it used to be. These people that idolize this guy are just sad for the most part. And he's all about it. He feeds off of it. It gives him a semi. And we can't have that. So I'm going to answer his mailbag for him.


Q: Worst day ever. I wet the bed. I found out my girlfriend of three years is moving to Arizona. I continue to exist as a Seattle sports fan. And, yes, I really wet the bed. Can you give me a holiday mailbag? Like you, I don't ask for much.
-- Andrew, Seattle

You've got more pressing concerns than whether Bill Simmons is going to share his emails with you or not. Wash your sheets.

Q: I'm 23 years old. I live in Seattle. I have a girlfriend who loves those damn "Twilight" books and promised sex if I agreed to watch the movie with her Friday night. We ended up waiting in line for 45 minutes and the theater was filled with high school females. There were maybe five guys there total, and I was the only one with a girl, so read between the lines there. Once we got home she was too tired to do anything and went to sleep. The next day my alma mater, the University of Washington, loses a double-overtime thriller to Washington State, probably the worst team in collegiate football history. Have I officially hit rock bottom?
-- T. Chan, Seattle

No. If Washington State was the worst team in college football history, the U. of Washington was the second worst and you knew that coming in. Also, you had to watch a gay movie and your girlfriend (who probably weighs more than you) didn't bang you. You think that's rock bottom? The first dude pissed all over his bed and hasn't even washed his sheets yet. OJ Simpson just got sentenced to 18 years in prison for trying to get some football cards back at gunpoint. And you think you have hit rock bottom because you had to watch some gay movie and your fat girlfriend won't fuck you? Tell her there's an entire stick of butter in it for her.


Q: I always wanted to read your Red Sox book but never got around to ordering it. Luckily, I was walking through Big Lots this past weekend and caught it out of the corner of my eye and couldn't pass up the opportunity to get it at $3! If it makes you feel better, it was under a sign that said "Best Sellers." WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!
-- Marc S., Tuscaloosa, Ala.

YES WE CAN! THANKS FOR BUYING MY BOOK! I WROTE IT! IT'S CHOCK-FULL OF POP CULTURE REFERENCES!


Q: You can go back in time and recast one sports movie with actors and actresses from that era. Which movie do you tackle, and what are your casting changes?
-- Corey, Salt Lake City

I don't know. But I'm glad that people really care about my opinion on sports movies. I'd probably cast Lexington Steele as Julius Campbell and have him rape Sunshine in the team shower.


Q: I recently read that the world's oldest woman died. She said she never drank alcohol or tried tobacco. I also read that last year's "world's oldest person" also refrained from doing those things. How does that make you feel that we have no chance of being the world's oldest people at some point?
-- Eric, Philly

I don't know, but I know that we are so cool! Seriously, how cool are we for drinking and smoking? Really cool, right? Would anyone argue this?


Q: So there's generally a ton of weed and tequila at our fantasy drafts. One rule we've put into effect is if you pick a player who's already been drafted, you must do a shot of Don Julio. Counterintuitive, I know, but that caused me to draft Matt Leinart in rounds eight through 11 two years ago. What do you think of this idea for your Sports Czar campaign?
-- Luke, San Francisco

It's incredible. You guys should try writing down the players that have been drafted on a list of sorts. I'll implement it, though, because it has drinking and it would show how cool we all are. We aren't your grandma's sports fans! Lookoutnow!


Q: I had a stunning realization when I awoke this morning: Isn't Greg Oden the real Benjamin Button? I mean the injuries, the 45-year-old face, the creaky knees and geriatric hobble? This means for us Blazers fans things will only get better as he gets "younger." Phew.
-- Phil Taylor, Brooklyn, N.Y.

He might actually have a point.


Q: Plaxico Burress, O.J. and Michael Vick all under one roof, house arrest for a year, 24/7 webcam. What would it take to stop you from watching this?
-- Joe Snow, New York

I would not watch that. I'm not interested at all. Michael Vick cannot fight any dogs there, Plaxico can't shoot himself, and OJ can't kidnap anybody. Why would this be interesting? Would Vick give them all herpes?


Q: Went home with a VERY good-looking chick two weeks ago and not only did she have three cats and a dog, but I woke up at 4 a.m. to find that she'd peed in the bed. The only thing more disappointing to me in my life was the '98 Vikes losing to the Falcons. SHE PEED IN THE FREAKING BED!!!
-- Matt, Fort Myers, Fla.

Holy fuck, a CHICK! A REAL LIVE WOMAN! YOU TOOK HER HOME! Wow. You, Matt, are my hero. And she had pets and urinated in her bed! It must have been so disappointing that this woman urinates in her sheets yet is capable of caring for animals. I agree. First thing I thought about when you said that was Gary Anderson missing that field goal.


Q: What would O.J. Simpson be like if he played in the NFL now? I mean, he has gotten into an absurd amount of legal trouble, and he played in an era when it wasn't normal for players to be accused of felonies. If O.J. Simpson was born 40 years later and was in the NFL right now, what crimes do you think he would commit? I think he would try to become a super-villain, kind of like the Joker.
-- Colin H, New Haven, Conn.

He'd have so much money that he wouldn't need to hold any hostages to get his football cards back. Did he kill any of his wives when he played in the '70s? No? I don't get this question at all. Killing your wife is cool in today's NFL? Even Rae Carruth didn't pull the trigger himself. If anything, Nicole would have killed him.


Q: I read your comment in the last mailbag about women in Atlanta being horny, successful and fun-loving, looking for love and questioning their self-esteem. Although you made that assessment after just two e-mails, after living there for eight years, I can say that you're on the money. If you're a heterosexual male going through a dry spell, forget about Vegas and make your way to the ATL. Their advertising tag line should be, "Come to Atlanta where the nookie is plentiful and free."
-- Michael, Columbus, Ohio

If women in Atlanta will fuck the douchebags that live to get mentioned in Bill Simmons mailbags, then they will most certainly fuck anyone. I mean, have you listened to a Ludacris CD? Those women be hoes, dog!


Q: I've lived in both D.C. and Atlanta. In Atlanta, college sports and the SEC still run the show; people just don't care about pro sports. On the other hand, do you like a skewed male-to-female ratio, hot Southern blondes in sundresses who can go whiskey for whiskey with you, possess a shocking amount of football and basketball knowledge, bring the thunder in the sack and have no problem (wait, DEMAND) eating massive amounts of fried food and/or pork products the following morning? Because if that's not your thing you should spend more time in D.C. I've been here two months. It's rainy, there are no college sports, but there are a lot of museums. So I've got that going for me. (Frantically looking for jobs in Atlanta.)
-- Adam, Washington

I've been to Atlanta. It was probably my least favorite city of the ones I've been to. Seriously, people. Women everywhere are sluts. They all want to touch your penis. Stop complaining about the rain and just start whipping it out at bars.


Q: I renamed my fantasy football team after you. I did that because now, when I post all of my clever insults and below-the-belt jabs, it says "Posted by: Bill Simmons." Sadly, my team finished in last place, so this was the highlight of my fantasy season.
-- Tom, Greenville, S.C.

Even in Atlanta, Tom would not be able to convince any woman to touch his balls. If you named your team Bill Simmons so that all of your clever insults would say "posted by Bill Simmons", they probably weren't very clever. In fact, they were probably completely sucktastic and everybody in your league gleaned new insight into how gay you really are.


Q: If I had sex with the two-faced lady from the Southwest Airlines commercial, would I be able to count that as a threesome?
-- Pete, Beacon, N.Y.

If I met Pete in late July on a summer's eve, would that mean he's a douche?


Q: I was out until about bar time Thursday, rolled into work at 8 a.m. Friday feeling like my face had fallen off somewhere between 11 p.m. and midnight, and I had failed to notice. I got the required coffee and greasy breakfast and sat down without a remote ability to perform actual work, so I hopped over to ESPN.com and quickly realized I had a mailbag waiting for me from the previous afternoon AND there would be a Part 2 later on. Honestly, it was like the heavens opened up. Not sure whether the greasy breakfast or the mailbag helped my hangover more, but I insist we incorporate Friday morning mailbags into your contract. You are the literary equivalent of an Egg McMuffin. Yes, that's a compliment.
-- Sarah B., Chicago

This reminds me of the time my grandma was seriously disfigured by a polar bear and lost both of her legs. I was sitting there crying that grandma couldn't walk anymore until I realized, hey, there's probably a Bill Simmons mailbag on the internet. Simmons, you are the literary equivalent of my grandma's prosthetic legs.


Q: Saw this Sonics flask (note: link now defunct) in NBA.com's clearance section today and thought it might be the perfect gift for the former Sonics fan in someone's life. It's even on sale for 400 percent off. Enjoy.
-- Adam H., Raleigh, N.C.

I'm not a Sonics fan.


Q: My roommate just texted me to tell me he just shook Mike Tyson's hand at a strip club in Vegas. Who would be the coolest person to meet in a Vegas strip club?
-- Ryan H., Pullman, Wash.

A wife?


Q: How 'bout this hypothetical? It's 2012, Matt Cassel is the quarterback for the Vikings and standing with a Super Bowl MVP trophy in one hand and a Super Bowl trophy in another. It's his third Super Bowl MVP in four years, two with the Vikings and one with the Patriots in 2009. He states in his opening remarks, "I would like to dedicate this Super Bowl to Tom Brady for getting injured and allowing me to finally get my shot." Flash to Foxboro, where Tom Brady has never returned to his 2007 form and reinjured his knee three times since, and Bill Belichick has retired from coaching due to having a heart attack from seeing Cassel win his second Super Bowl without the Patriots. Jump to 2022, as the Patriots have become the '90s Cincinnati Bengals and you are hysterically crying while writing a piece titled "The Curse of Matt Cassel: IT IS REAL."
-- Andrew, Boston


This constitutes humor? This is barely creative. LOL!


Q: I just finished reading Jim Bouton's classic book "Ball Four." Which baseball player today would be the best pick to write a similar type of book?
-- Kobi, Carlsbad, Calif.


I agree with his Mussina answer. It would probably have to be someone from the Yankees. I'll skip this one.


Q: I woke up this morning (Thanksgiving) and sat on my couch and smoked some weed. The "Tyra Banks Show" was coming on. I sat there stoned watching for five minutes before I realized I was killing more brain cells watching her show than I had smoking pot. It's official: Listening to Tyra Banks' voice is worse for you than doing drugs.
-- Mike M., Lexington, Ky.

Ha! That's so funny. SUCK ON THAT, TYRA!!!! WEED!!!!

Very few of these people that send emails to Simmons are funny. So very few of them. Yet he prints them and pretends that they are. Or, at least I hope he's pretending.


Q: So I had this idea for a movie. The bachelor version of a guy goes forward in time and finds his married self and kicks his butt for selling out his bachelor self and his bachelor values and going back on everything he promised he wouldn't do. The bachelor version finds him in the future by following his minivan to a toy store. The climatic encounter comes when the bachelor self finds the married self standing in an hour-long Black Friday line holding a Starbucks. And yes, I thought of this plot while standing in an hour-long Black Friday line amongst mostly female Black Friday shoppers in Christmas sweaters.
-- (Name withheld), Denver

Simmons will be all over this, because he used to be so cool. Seriously, he was cooler than fucking glaciers, man. Now he's all Hollywood and was the 8th backup writer for Jimmy Kimmel for a few months, but back in the day the man was ICE. His gay little former self would go into the future to slapfight with his current self. It would be riveting. He has criticized Rosie Perez for having an annoying voice throughout this column, but he apparently has never seen himself on TV. There is a reason he is mainly relegated to print media. One viewing of Simmons on TV and you think...hmmm. This guy prefers penises to vaginas.


Q: Thank you for writing your story about Mike Dunleavy screwing up the Spurs-Clips game you went to. Someone had to tell the world of the atrocity that goes on in LaLa Land, and you've done it. It's like bringing to light the genocide in Darfur that people refuse to talk about. You're ESPN's version of George Clooney.
-- Terry A., Lodi, N.J.


You've done the world a tremendous favor, Bill.


Q: What's the deal with your upcoming book? I think you mentioned that it was about basketball, and I feel that you told your editors "No worries guys, I'm writing a book about basketball. It's easy! It'll be a midnight run!" And then you proceeded to stumble across the country, and it's undecided whether you'll meet your deadline. Will you get to L.A. and get your $100K?
-- Steve, Pleasanton, Calif.

Oh, a book question! Let me print this so I can hype my next book!

I didn't even know he was writing one until now. Even though I don't read books, if I did, I wouldn't read this one.


Q: I dare you to think of anything better than taking a girl home from the bar on Halloween and watching her put on her costume as she's leaving the next morning. Yeah, can't be done. Hands down the best hookup moment possible.
-- Adam V., Hibbing, Minn.

Every hottie in Hibbing, MN wants Adam V's dick. I need to remember to do this next time I bang some random chick...hey, it's time to send an email to Bill Simmons! Bill, guess where I just put my penis...you'll never guess! YEAH! A VAGINA! HOW'D U KNO??!?!?!1


Q: If you're sitting on 24 wins in "Streak for the Cash," shouldn't you hop on a flight to Vegas and bet about $250,000 on the opposite of whatever you pick for your 25th selection? All the games ESPN.com puts up as straight win/loss picks are close in point spreads, so I am sure you could get a money line in Vegas that would pay out straight up. That way, you ensure yourself of a minimum victory of $250,000, and can win a maximum of $750,000. I mean, you gotta protect yourself at this point right? I'm sitting in class at law school going insane thinking about this guy NOT doing this.
-- Bryan, New York

Simmons already addressed the stupidity in this one. Where the fuck do you get $250,000 in cash?


Q: Here's an idea for when you're running the B.S. Network in a few years: What if you followed various NFL announcers around as they gave everyday people unsolicited and obvious advice? Imagine a soccer mom stopping for gas on the way to practice. The backseat is filled with screaming kids with said announcer in the front seat. As the van approaches a corner with two gas stations, we see one station is selling gas at $2.09 per gallon, and the other is selling at $2.19 per gallon. Here's where the announcer jumps in and spends 60 seconds trying to convince the driver to go to the cheaper station. While the mom pumps the gas, the announcer then spends two minutes explaining to the kids that $2.09 is less than $2.19 and why it's better to pay less for things.
-- Matt A., San Francisco


Why would the soccer mom need convinced that she should go to the one that's 10 cents cheaper? I get it, Phil Simms is annoying.


Q: Hey, Bill, it's been a while since I e-mailed you and I am sure that you have missed me. I just wanted to stop in and let you know how much you suck. You are not a journalist. You are not even a sports journalist. You should be fired. It really makes me mad that people who actually work for a living are losing their jobs or are unemployed and you still get to sit there pretending to matter. I hope that soon ESPN comes to its senses and gets rid of you, but it probably won't. Anyway, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year's.
-- Brad, St. Louis

I'm guessing this isn't the only email of this kind that he receives.


Q: Beer + Weed + Bill Simmons = 1.9 GPA for fall quarter. Thank you, Bill, for helping me achieve my lowest GPA since the seventh grade.
-- Tysen A., Bellingham, Wash.

How slow do you read? Seriously...how slowly? Beer and weed and Bill Simmons? He writes about three columns a week. They can all be read in under 20 minutes. I'm thinking your inability to read might be a major culprit of your low GPA, Tysen. So stop drinking and smoking and get a Hooked on Phonics book.


Q: YouTube has a new feature on its home page that recommends videos based on your previous visits. Mine included "Racist McDonald's Commercial," "J.R. Does the Stone Cold Stunner" and "Wes Welker College Highlights." I am wondering what they recommend for you?
-- Dan, Springfield, Mass.

Wow, a racist New Englader that likes pro-wrestling and Wes Welker. I'm guessing KSK would be able to incorporate that into its own miniseries.


Q: When I found out Al Davis' mother lived until she was 103, I thought about impaling myself with a dull garden tool about 103 times. I'll be 67 by the time the Raiders are respectable again. Can you please offer me some hope?
-- Scott, Holiday, Fla.

You'll die before then, maybe?


Q: I don't care what the SEC says: The J-Kidd transaction was Cuban's greatest trading transgression of 2008.
-- Marchy, Malibu, Calif.

Oh snap...if he could have somehow incorporated the Southeastern Conference, it would have been OVER!


Q: So here I am, completely stressed out about taking my first semester of law school exams, about one cup of coffee away from having a caffeine-induced seizure, when my name pops up on the B.S. Report. Great job. You really made my day. Feel free to just start putting your random single friends in the podcast. I don't even care if they're entertaining, I'm just going to need to fill my fake relationship void with someone now that JackO's off the market. And by the way, it was a nice touch for him to add the "not really" after saying I had 74 hours to contact him, like I was going to show up at his wedding and scream "I'M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, JACKO!"
-- Claire in Atlanta


I don't think I'd want to fuck Claire. I don't care if she's in Atlanta or not.


Q: The other day my college friends and I went out for dinner at a family restaurant. As always when you take a bunch of college kids out of their element into a public area, it can get slightly inappropriate. One of my friends kept telling us to keep it down and that there were children around. The second time, I slammed down my fork and told her, "This is a free-flowing conversation that sometimes touches on mature subjects." Not only did this confuse her and shut her up, but one of my guy friends that didn't realize I was a fan of yours told me that I was every man's dream and my boyfriend was a lucky man. So thanks for getting me a compliment and somehow making it OK to talk about "mature" subjects in a public area.
-- Sarah, Dayton, Ohio


Wow. Sarah, do you like getting pissed on? Because if you started quoting Bill Simmons and were flaunting the fact that you love his mailbags, I would stand up from my seat. You might be confused. You'd be even more confused when I unzip my pants and remove my penis from them. Imagine how startled you'd be when I began to urinate on you in this public setting. What would you do? Probably just sit there while piss hit your face and ran down all over your shirt. That will teach you to quote Bill Simmons while I'm trying to eat.


Q: How hilarious would it be if President Bush pardoned O.J.???!!! I just think that would be a great ending to a terrible presidency! He'd go out with a bang.
-- Gian Gonz, Austin, Texas

OMG, it would GARNER INSANE LOLZ. 20,000 LOLZ TO U, GIAN GONZ.


Q: Only you can describe what is crucially needed right now: the introduction of the Steve Young Face. That look he gets when listening to Emmitt say that team fights are "special" or dealing with Keyshawn is phenomenal. Describe it and give us some other examples of people sporting the "Steve Young Face" other than Katie Couric during her Palin interview.
-- Sean, Halifax

I'm not going to describe Steve Young's Mormanface. I think my face while I read a Bill Simmons mailbag might be close. It kind of looks like I just ran into Evgeni Malkin at a rural strip club and he tried to sell me life insurance.


Q: Shouldn't Scarlett Johansson's breasts get their own billing on the promotional posters and ads for "The Spirit?"
-- Matt, Washington

Sure.


Q: Is it just me or does JackO seem way too excited when he answers the phone for the B.S. Report? Like it's the only time the phone has rung the entire day.
-- Adam, Chicago

I am amazed that people not only care about Bill Simmons, but also care about his friends.


Q: I'd like to add Baxter to (last week's podcast) argument about "Greatest Movie or TV Dog Ever." Maybe he didn't take a bullet for Ron Burgundy, but he saved him from an angry bear! He always had Ron's back. I mean, he got punted off a bridge! Plus he spoke Spanish, wore pajamas, had the ability to eat entire wheels of cheese and poop in the fridge. He was wise, like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. How is Baxter not the best TV dog? I mean, "Air Bud" is a part of that conversation, but Baxter isn't? Just an egregious oversight. (And yes, you can blame TBS and its insistence on playing "Anchorman" eight times a day for this e-mail.)
-- Mike, Princeton, N.J.


Bill's podcast contained a segment entitled "Greatest Movie or TV Dog Ever". I do not want to hear Bill Simmons wax poetic on the subject of greatest TV dog. I just don't. I'd rather be in the center of a bukkake circle, sorrounded by the Boston Celtics.


Q: Is it bad that one of my first thoughts after this happened was "I should e-mail the Sports Guy"? Last night, I was with a lady friend and we decided to pop in a movie. She had never seen "Hoosiers," so naturally we put that in. But 10 minutes into the movie, it was obvious that she wasn't into the movie, and instead was getting a little frisky. So with the movie in the background, we entertained ourselves. The best part was there was a slight pause in the action and I turned to see the movie, and it was right when Ollie hits the free throws, and I thought, "This is awesome!"
-- Jason Z., Chicago

Another obvious cool guy. Between being mentioned in Bill Simmons columns and fucking mad chicks, I don't see how these guys have time for anything else.


Q: Is the real reason that CC finally signed with the Yankees because somebody finally told him that pinstripes are slimming?
-- Greg, Las Vegas

Yes. Not the money. The pinstripes are slimming joke is the real reason. How many times has this joke been made about fat Yankees? As much as jokes about Shawn Kemp having 28 kids?


Q: At one point today (Dec. 10), CNN.com had the following headlines atop one another: "Yanks close to deal with Sabathia" and "Oprah feels like fat cow at 200 pounds." Coincidence? I think not.
-- Chris C., Philly

Wait, the Yankees signed Oprah?


Q: The Yanks are poised to drop $160M on CC Sabathia and at 300 pounds, means $533,333 per pound of Sabathia is the accepted market value. In their defense, after he hits four bills in 2011 that number will drop to a far more reasonable $400,000 per pound. What can we expect the per-pound cost for CC to be entering into his final year under contract? Remember, we're talking about a man who looked like this in 1999 and looks like this entering 2009.
-- Dan, South Boston

He'll probably be like 700 pounds!!!!! Do the math!!!!!


Q: With his new FAT contract going to his head, I foresee a future 400-pound CC Sabathia struggling to get from the bullpen to the mound without an oxygen tank attached to his leg. At least Yankee fans can look forward to the day they rename the Snoopy blimps after him. "Aerial shots of today's game will be provided from our guys flying high in the CC II!"
-- Zap, Brighton, Mass.

HE'S SO FAT THE HE'S COMPLETELY FILLED WITH HYDROGEN!!!!


Q: Someone has to come up with an A.J. Burnett Yankees Jersey with the number 82.5 on the back right? Maybe one of those T-shirt jerseys they sell outside of Fenway, but either way this has to happen.
-- RJ, Boston

Yes! Yes they do! I wouldn't buy it!


Q: CC Sabathia's all-time stats against the Red Sox: Nine games, 6.3 IP average, 63 hits, 15 walks, 44 strikeouts, 5.75 ERA, 2-7 W-L. I feel pretty good that the Yankees are gonna pay this guy $20 million a year to blow against the Sox.
-- Jason, Vienna, Va.


He's only pitching against the Sox! What he did against them in Cleveland a few years ago is so relevant! You aren't paranoid at all Jason from Vienna, VA!


Q: All right, we both know of the existence of "The Hills" through our significant others. The empty husk that is Justin Bobby just gave a great example of "contract year." Despite being an unbelievably stupid and selfish mutant, he somehow turns on the charm when the attention is finally ending, setting up the poor "dead behind the eyes" Audrina for inevitable disappointment. Why? So that the crazy young girls out in L.A. (or anywhere) who are turning 18 see his "caring side" and he immediately restocks his stable of possible women, maximizing his worth. Justin Bobby is A.J. Burnett, right?
-- Andrew, Philly


STOP WITH THE POP CULTURE JOKES!!!! You aren't Simmons, and it's not funny when he does it. It's less funny when you do it. AJ Burnett is not the first athlete to excel in a contract year.


Q: So you're the GM of the Red Sox and you received the following offers:

    1. Johan Santana plus $40M, or
    2. CC Sabathia and Ian Kennedy

I mean, it's a slam dunk that you choose No. 2 right?
-- Anthony F., Ancaster, Ontario

Probably. Your point?


Q: My take on A.J. Burnett: Let's just put it this way, if the pitcher you just gave $82.5 million was only owned in 80 percent of ESPN fantasy leagues last year, probably a bad sign.
-- Mike P., State College, Pa.

I base all of my moves on ESPN fantasy leagues. That's why I'm giving Tyler Thigpen $100 million next year if I'm GM of the Chiefs.


Q: We got Tex. We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
-- Uncle Rick, New York

No, you're not. You do this every year.


Q: Merry Tex-Mas!!!
-- Brian C., Santa Monica

You had probably never even heard of him before this year.


Q: Did my favorite homer columnist have a good Christmas watching the Lake Show get its revenge on Boston? Hahahahahahahaha. Doc forgot to start Pierce's wheelchair in the second half. Good news: You still have the streak going, it's just in your pants. Check your undies. KOBE RULES!
-- Every Lakers Fan


This just makes you look like a douche, Bill.


Q: I just finished reading your book and noticed an uncanny prediction: You wrote that if Manny had been traded to the Mets in 2005, you, your dad and Hench predicted that he "would hit between .380-.420, with 14-20 homers and 50-55 RBIs." In 2008, after being traded to the Dodgers, Manny hit .396, with 17 homers and 53 RBIs. Why aren't you bragging about this?
-- Alan C., New Orleans

Because I probably forgot about it in the midst of all of my other failed predictions. You forgot that I am one of the worst NFL handicappers in all of the print media.


Q: Is there a sports equivalent to the little Chinese guy who was lighting the firecrackers during the robbery scene in "Boogie Nights"? That is, a virtual unknown who plays an integral part in one of the best scenes of all time, and without whom the scene would not have been nearly as good?
-- Ben, Phoenix

No. There is not. Do you people do anything other than watch movies while jacking it to thoughts of Bill Simmons?


Q: This is officially my first drunk e-mail … ever. Of course, you've heard of the infamous "drunk dial" that happen all the time on college campuses and throughout the country. However, the drunk e-mail is less talked about. I love you. Not really. I love you in the most heterosexual way EVER. You are my hero. Me and my friends are putting down some beers and Red Bulls and vodkas talking some good sports and making Simmons-like analogies to life. I just told a friend who has two potential girls that he's "hitting" on that it's like when you have two players you want to draft in the next round of a fantasy draft (I used Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress). You don't have to decide when it's 12 picks away. Just wait, see how it plays out and make your decision. Most likely, one will be picked by the time you pick and it will be an easy decision. But consider them both for now. I love drinking. Peace.
-- Andy J., Champaign, Ill.


This is the epitome of a Bill Simmons column. This is it. Right here. Bein' cool, puttin' down beers and vodkas and sugary energy drinks, raggin' on other dudes, makin' analogies to fantasy drafts, and basically reflecting on how cool you think you are. This is the mother lode.


Q: So …. I am twice as durnk as the first time i e-mailed. I have nothing more to say ecxept that I can't wait for your next podcast/ column.
-- Andy J, Champaign, Ill.

I would officially be frightened right now.






4 comments:

Rage said...

Vern, I realize that it's been a little while since you posted, but OVER posting a long, drawn-out flogging like this is like making up for a short penis by
a)lifting lots of weights OR
b)driving a really over-expensive and flashy red sportscar

It works for about a hot second, then BAM...everybody figures you out.

Yer fuckin killin me here, vern. My brain is bleeding now. Thanks

Vern said...

You have no idea.

My car is silver.

Rage said...

What I'm sayin here is that this simmons bashing went waaaaay too long for ADHD wangstas like myself aincha huuuurd?

Oh, and watching ANY ESPN show in the morning will make your brain shrink so much your ears will pop

Rage said...

but you know what? You should explore a fusing of the douchefags...What would a Simmons/King man-baby be like?

The basis of a horror novel? I think so...