More manatee rape

One mistake I've made here involved linking images directly from Google searches. You know, I'll write something about tits, search Google for tits, use that picture, and then have nothing but hits from people who Google-searched for tits and came disappointed as hell to this site. Probably looking for something like double penetration or jizz lattes or something like that and ending up reading some retarded diatribe about Braylon Edwards.

Well, one of those mistakes involves manatees. More specifically, manatee rape. That was from June of 2008. Almost two years ago, although it's quite topical as rape is my theme for this month. It makes no sense. I don't know why I wrote it. It probably took all of 20 minutes. It's not very good. Yet, the mere thought of treating a fucked-up sea abortion that is the manatee in any manner outside of revering it as if it sat to the left of Jesus Christ himself opens one up to a vicious berating from one of the Internet's finest.

The first was from June 28 of that year. From "zeutraca", which refers to an ancient Alexandrian dish consisting of cocktail shrimp covered in zebra pubes:

Manatees are glorious creatures that should be respected. Had you been more creative with the styles of raping, i might allow you to pat yourself on the back. Not nearly enough creativity went into this.. the RPS was decent. And easier than an alabama teenager? Wow. Pretty easy then,right? Wrong. Lets get off this stereotype that southern states are the slum of the u.s. You are a d bag.. sucks doesn't it?

Manatees can suck me. Do you respect all creatures, zeutraca? What do you do for the manatees? Really, what do you do? Anything? Because me drawing MS Paint pictures of raped manatees does fuckall to counter the "save the manatees" efforts. No manatees were harmed in the making of those pictures. They were drawn in paint. And this is obvious, as no manatee looks even half as good as they do in those pictures.

As far as the Southern states being the slums of the U.S. are concerned...they are. Let's lean on our friend "statistics":

# 1	Mississippi:
# 2	Louisiana:
# 3	New Mexico:
# 4	District of Columbia:
= 5	Arkansas:
= 5	West Virginia:
# 7	Kentucky:
# 8	Texas:
# 9	Alabama:
# 10	South Carolina:

 That is from this site and ranks states by percentage of residents below poverty level. However, that is just a quick by-the-book check against the term "slums of the U.S.". Let's look at teenage pregnancy rates by state:


States ranked by rates of pregnancy among women age 15-19 (pregnancies per thousand):

1. Nevada (113)
2. Arizona (104)
3. Mississippi (103)
4. New Mexico (103)
5. Texas (101)
6. Florida (97)
7. California (96)
8. Georgia (95)
9. North Carolina (95)
10. Arkansas (93)

States ranked by rates of live births among women age 15-19 (births per thousand):

1. Mississippi (71)
2. Texas (69)
3. Arizona (67)
4. Arkansas (66)
5. New Mexico (66)
6. Georgia (63)
7. Louisiana (62)
8. Nevada (61)
9. Alabama (61)
10. Oklahoma (60)

Obviously, the numbers are biased as well. The reasons stereotypes exist is because they are usually true to some degree. And in this case, they certainly are. Teenagers in Southern states will fuck anything they see regardless of species and probably get it pregnant. And if you are wondering, I live in Florida and I know first-hand just how indescribable the South is. Does that mean that everybody in the South is a pregnant teenager and nobody can read and write? Of course not. But you'd have to not be a complete retard to realize that.


Anyway, the real reason for this post is that I received an email alerting me to this comment today:

 You are a sick fuck. this is not funny its discusting, do u really have nothing better to do than make up some sick shit about an endangered species. i hope someone rapes you and runs you over with their car you perverted piece of shit. And if u want to post "jokes" than find sumthing at least half amusing that will appeal to someone other than confused an angry hicks. what did your daddy touch you and now your showing your anger through pathedic talentless halfass attempts at cartoons and what you think is witty comments. News flash YOUR NOT FUNNY. you are cruel to even joke about something so vulgar. All jokes are derived from truth so you must be pretty fuck up in the head. honestly animal abuse is something people should burn in hell for and joking about it ...its not much different. Hope you grow up, get a life and go see a shrink or something.

Thanks, "Asimian Kortex". Thanks for your wise, misspelled words. It is discusting, and no, I didn't have anything better to do than make up something completely irrelevant about an endangered species. By definition, if anyone has something better they could be doing, they will typically do that thing. And would this have all been ok if it weren't an endangered species? Like, can we rape deer? If only deer swam into the path of boats all the time and endangered themselves, then we could treat them with respect, too.

I see you mentioned "confused an angry hicks", Mr./Mrs. Kortex. Bad move, as you've already lost zeutraca and all of her pregnant daughters. You also mentioned that all jokes are based on truth (which is so patently ridiculous that it merits it's own topic) immediately after talking about fathers touching their kids inappropriately. So I'm sorry that you had to go through that at a young age...must be a very difficult ordeal to place on the shoulders of a young child. I can see that it also strongly inhibited development in the part of your brain that processes grammatical information. Child abuse is something that people should burn in hell for even joking about. Wait...no, my bad. Animal abuse is. My bad. Child abuse is cool. I keep confusing the two.

One day I will get a life. I will stop talking about raping manatees with Buicks. I will make a difference in this world, 24/7. I will not sleep as long as there are Philippino children that I could be circumcising for peace. But until that day, fuck manatees and fuck people that worship them, too.

I hope a manatee date rapes both of you.

DON'T MAKE BAD INVESTMENTS!!!

The lady (or effeminate man) in this picture cannot be the only person around with $89 burning a hole in their pockets. I imagine some of you are in the same position. Well, don't fall victim to the same poor investment practices that are ass raping everybody else in the market. Let's go through some things that you should not be investing in.


SCISSORS!

Don't invest in scissors! It's 2008, people, and as we progress towards a paperless society, the only people the will be left out in the cold before paper manufacturers are scissor manufacturers. The scissors sector has already begun to see minor losses, but expect that to just be the tip of the iceberg. Ha. I said just the tip.

Paper may still play a minor role in the future, but you can guaran-damn-tee yourselves that scissors won't. Seriously, if there isn't too much paper floating around, how many people do you think are going to be cutting it into various shapes? And the luxury scissors divisions? Yeah. Right. TOAST. People will be scraping by on old scissors for most of the foreseeable future and we'll be lucky if the climate is decent enough for one scissor manufacturer to beat the others and stick around to handle the dwindling scissor demand.

So, please, do not invest in the scissors market.


WIZARDRY

Please, people, stay out of wizardry. Sure, it may have been big at one point. But don't fall back on the feeling that magic and the coolness of wizard robes will always be around to stay. The economy has been hitting wizards harder than most, and thus they cannot afford to use their wands and cast a spell to right their financial ship.

Wizardry has always been a niche market, and very few wizards-in-training these days are finding both the time and the effort necessary to work a second job in order to support their wizardry. Thus, very few of these guys are able to make Full Wizard unless they come from a wealthy family of wizards that was willing to invest in them.

And, please, don't be swayed by the Wizards for Obama movement. This hollow message is just an attempt by wizards to sway people into making investments, as neither an Obama nor a McCain presidency is going to do anything positive for their craft.


Don't believe the hype, people.


THE STOCK MARKET IN GENERAL

Avoid things like "stocks", and "funds", and anything else of the sort. You'll probably lose more money investing in them than you would in both scissors and wizardry combined. The market has shown how it reacts to adversity, and the overwhelming response is curl up in a fetal position. The Dow Jones index has recently been laying all over Wall Street like a broad. And you don't invest in anything that lays anywhere like a broad. But you know that, right?

----------------------------

But don't get down on the economy, there are plenty of places you can put your money that should not only be safe, but could also be hugely profitable. Let's look at a few of these.


JEANS

Jeans are making a big time comeback here. Jeans are cool again. Have you seen the Brett Favre Wrangler commercials? Athletic jeans! Jeans aren't just for rodeos anymore. All kind of athletes are wearing jeans in sport these days...not just Favre.







So there you have it. Invest in jeans.


MANATEES

These fat fucking sea cows...as more people catch on to the benefits of mass manatee rape, we will have more manatee products available in the market.

Manatee flavored popsicles!

Manatee sandwiches!

Decorative manatees!

The interior of this car?


STRAIGHT MANATEE SEATS, PLAYER!


So, to beat Joe Hedgefunds this season, you know what to do. Take your money out of scissors, wizardry, and the stock market, and throw it all into jeans and manatees. It's failproof, yo.

You float in the pool like a broad, Alain Bernard!

Yeah, you, Frenchy. God, I sound like Sean Hannity. Regardless, the guy pictured above not only speaks French, he also floats in the pool like a broad.

You may have missed it, as I certainly did because I don't give the slightest of horsefucks about swimming, be it at the Olympics, at a local pool, or in the Caribbean between Cuba and Key West with the aid of an innertube. Swimming is like asserting your superiority over fish and manatees, and no one really needs to do anything to prove that we are better than those fat fucking seacows. Yeah, look manatees, we can come into your house and as a team of four swim faster than you between two distinct points. Go impale yourselves on some coral reefs.

Regardless, a US team that improbably included a black swimmer (OMG!) overcame both brash predictions by Bernard and their underdog status and swam faster than any group of four people had ever swam 400 meters in 100 meter increments. Not only did they break the record, but so did the French, and whoever finished third, and then fourth, and then fifth. The US team broke the record by 4 motherf-ing seconds, and I can't even think of an analogy that properly describes how ridiculous that is. Team France lost by a mere .08 seconds, which made this the second closest race in Olympic history and the closest since "Lumberjack" Larry Waller's .06 second victory over "Bottlecaps" Bill Yardsworth in 1848. Experts have accredited this to the fact that the water was shallower than usual and also to Speedo's new sweetass swimsuits that apparently allow you to swim 4 seconds faster than anyone in history by themselves alone and should probably be illegal. Athletes should have to swim in full Armani suits from now on. Nowhere in the article was it mentioned how gay it is to be an "expert" at swimming, although I'm guessing this was to be assumed. I personally think that the Chinese are still dumping chemicals into the pool water.

This begs the question...why was the pool different than every other pool in the history of poolswimming? Shouldn't all pools be the same? If this pool is that much faster than every other pool, then records aren't going to matter anymore and we probably shouldn't even waste the time to keep track of them. Take this as a call to arms...this time currently spent record-keeping could be spent much more efficiently in the art of manatee-spearing. Last I checked, there were still manatees in the water, and there is no way to reason with them other than a spear right between their fat seacow eyes. Fuck manatees.

Manatees are not yet extinct

Say what you want about these sick looking animals, they sure can take a raping in stride and shrug it off, just like a Miss America contestant. However, the fact that these fat motherf-ers are not yet extinct bothers me. I don't own a boat, and really have no desire to get one. However, the potential to kill manatees with it is quite alluring.

Somebody has to do something, and that somebody just may be Captain Vern. Regardless of how "majestic" you think a manatee is (and if you really do think that manatees are majestic, you should probably be busy making jewelry out of painted rocks), I'm still going to kill it. Look at that thing. What is it doing swimming there? Go into the ocean, you douchebag, or you are going to get killed by a boat. Jeez. If Anne Frank were a manatee, should wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes in hiding. She probably would have been dancing in the living room behind a potted plant or something. If God really loved manatees, he would have made them a lot smarter.

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