More manatee rape

One mistake I've made here involved linking images directly from Google searches. You know, I'll write something about tits, search Google for tits, use that picture, and then have nothing but hits from people who Google-searched for tits and came disappointed as hell to this site. Probably looking for something like double penetration or jizz lattes or something like that and ending up reading some retarded diatribe about Braylon Edwards.

Well, one of those mistakes involves manatees. More specifically, manatee rape. That was from June of 2008. Almost two years ago, although it's quite topical as rape is my theme for this month. It makes no sense. I don't know why I wrote it. It probably took all of 20 minutes. It's not very good. Yet, the mere thought of treating a fucked-up sea abortion that is the manatee in any manner outside of revering it as if it sat to the left of Jesus Christ himself opens one up to a vicious berating from one of the Internet's finest.

The first was from June 28 of that year. From "zeutraca", which refers to an ancient Alexandrian dish consisting of cocktail shrimp covered in zebra pubes:

Manatees are glorious creatures that should be respected. Had you been more creative with the styles of raping, i might allow you to pat yourself on the back. Not nearly enough creativity went into this.. the RPS was decent. And easier than an alabama teenager? Wow. Pretty easy then,right? Wrong. Lets get off this stereotype that southern states are the slum of the u.s. You are a d bag.. sucks doesn't it?

Manatees can suck me. Do you respect all creatures, zeutraca? What do you do for the manatees? Really, what do you do? Anything? Because me drawing MS Paint pictures of raped manatees does fuckall to counter the "save the manatees" efforts. No manatees were harmed in the making of those pictures. They were drawn in paint. And this is obvious, as no manatee looks even half as good as they do in those pictures.

As far as the Southern states being the slums of the U.S. are concerned...they are. Let's lean on our friend "statistics":

# 1	Mississippi:
# 2	Louisiana:
# 3	New Mexico:
# 4	District of Columbia:
= 5	Arkansas:
= 5	West Virginia:
# 7	Kentucky:
# 8	Texas:
# 9	Alabama:
# 10	South Carolina:

 That is from this site and ranks states by percentage of residents below poverty level. However, that is just a quick by-the-book check against the term "slums of the U.S.". Let's look at teenage pregnancy rates by state:


States ranked by rates of pregnancy among women age 15-19 (pregnancies per thousand):

1. Nevada (113)
2. Arizona (104)
3. Mississippi (103)
4. New Mexico (103)
5. Texas (101)
6. Florida (97)
7. California (96)
8. Georgia (95)
9. North Carolina (95)
10. Arkansas (93)

States ranked by rates of live births among women age 15-19 (births per thousand):

1. Mississippi (71)
2. Texas (69)
3. Arizona (67)
4. Arkansas (66)
5. New Mexico (66)
6. Georgia (63)
7. Louisiana (62)
8. Nevada (61)
9. Alabama (61)
10. Oklahoma (60)

Obviously, the numbers are biased as well. The reasons stereotypes exist is because they are usually true to some degree. And in this case, they certainly are. Teenagers in Southern states will fuck anything they see regardless of species and probably get it pregnant. And if you are wondering, I live in Florida and I know first-hand just how indescribable the South is. Does that mean that everybody in the South is a pregnant teenager and nobody can read and write? Of course not. But you'd have to not be a complete retard to realize that.


Anyway, the real reason for this post is that I received an email alerting me to this comment today:

 You are a sick fuck. this is not funny its discusting, do u really have nothing better to do than make up some sick shit about an endangered species. i hope someone rapes you and runs you over with their car you perverted piece of shit. And if u want to post "jokes" than find sumthing at least half amusing that will appeal to someone other than confused an angry hicks. what did your daddy touch you and now your showing your anger through pathedic talentless halfass attempts at cartoons and what you think is witty comments. News flash YOUR NOT FUNNY. you are cruel to even joke about something so vulgar. All jokes are derived from truth so you must be pretty fuck up in the head. honestly animal abuse is something people should burn in hell for and joking about it ...its not much different. Hope you grow up, get a life and go see a shrink or something.

Thanks, "Asimian Kortex". Thanks for your wise, misspelled words. It is discusting, and no, I didn't have anything better to do than make up something completely irrelevant about an endangered species. By definition, if anyone has something better they could be doing, they will typically do that thing. And would this have all been ok if it weren't an endangered species? Like, can we rape deer? If only deer swam into the path of boats all the time and endangered themselves, then we could treat them with respect, too.

I see you mentioned "confused an angry hicks", Mr./Mrs. Kortex. Bad move, as you've already lost zeutraca and all of her pregnant daughters. You also mentioned that all jokes are based on truth (which is so patently ridiculous that it merits it's own topic) immediately after talking about fathers touching their kids inappropriately. So I'm sorry that you had to go through that at a young age...must be a very difficult ordeal to place on the shoulders of a young child. I can see that it also strongly inhibited development in the part of your brain that processes grammatical information. Child abuse is something that people should burn in hell for even joking about. Wait...no, my bad. Animal abuse is. My bad. Child abuse is cool. I keep confusing the two.

One day I will get a life. I will stop talking about raping manatees with Buicks. I will make a difference in this world, 24/7. I will not sleep as long as there are Philippino children that I could be circumcising for peace. But until that day, fuck manatees and fuck people that worship them, too.

I hope a manatee date rapes both of you.

That's it? Really?

 

Yep. That was it. Pictured are Pam Tebow and her fetus Tim, co-winners of the 2007 Heisman trophy.  This was the ad that drew all of the support from the pro-lifers and the ire of the people who just want to abort every fetus? THIS!?!?! Fuck that. This commercial should have been spicy. It should have offended people. Then Focus on the Fam would be in the news for months afterwards. People would know them. As it stands, everyone's going to forget about them within a day. F that. Tim Tebow should have actually pulled his full-grown head out of his mother's vagina on live Super Bowl tv, looked at the camera, and told all of you aborters out there to go and fuck yourselves. "Hi, I'm Tim fucking Tebow, and I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for your vagina. Keep the doctors out, and let God in. He has a plan. Don't fuck with it. Seriously, mothers...killing your own babies? ARE YOU HUMANS OR GERBILS??? I'm Tim Tebow, inviting you all to SUCK ME". Then he winds up for 6 seconds and throws a bomb to James Dobson. Well...maybe not. Showing those throwing mechanics in the ad would be akin to actually showing an abortion.

But nooooo. There was nothing of the sort. Nothing controversial at all. Nothing to make everyone feel uneasy. F. That. I didn't wait for this ad to see that. That was stupid. That was pointless. A waste of $3 mil. I'd rather watch those accountants forage through the savanna for pants again. Gay gay gay. And to think, I would have helped the economy and countered the Tebow ad if it were racy enough. I would have gotten Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and done a commercial for Jeff's Abort-o-rama. 

Got knocked up again? Wanna keep it from the parents? Come to Jeff's! Start a tab! Every third abortion is free. Hey Braylon, catch!

(Mark Sanchez throws fetus behind Braylon Edwards...it is picked off and returned for six)

That's right, every third abortion is free! COME DOWN TO JEFF'S AND TELL 'EM THAT TIM TEBOW SENT YOU!

What a waste of time and money. And opportunity. I quit.

Sea Kittens!

I hate PETA. I think I only hate Ray Lewis more than I hate PETA. Really, if Braylon Edwards showed up during Thanksgiving dinner and killed my grandparents with a maize and blue knife I wouldn't hate him as much as I hate PETA. They make people who don't want to give Wayne Huizenga tax cuts look bad.

PETA has done a lot of f-ed up stuff in the past, such as comparing the holocaust and the Canadian dude who got his head cut off on a Greyhound bus to animal slaughterhouses. They've thrown paint at people wearing fur. FUR IS MURDER! So is eating plants. Or are the plants alive? If so, that's even worse. I'm eating a live plant! That's just heartless.

But while this last stunt is certainly not the most vile thing they've done, it's easily the gayest. PETA mc-fucking-seriously wants to rebrand fish as sea kittens to get people to stop eating them. SEA KITTENS! Their thought process assumes that once people (especially kids, I guess) start to think of fish as kittens, they won't want to eat them. Seriously. I wish I was clever enough to make all of this up. I really do. It's only going to upset kids in the end when they see pictures of grizzly bears in alaska eating up salmon kittens like there's no fucking tomorrow. Maybe PETA can go talk to the bears personally.

See, PETA...the reason this is not going to work is because people are not stupid enough to confuse fish and fucking kittens. Kittens live on your couch, they are furry, soft, they purr and rub up against you and you can pet them. Fish live in the fucking ocean, are kind of grimy, and taste absolutely delicious. If fish weren't delicious, then maybe. But they are. They can give you a semi if they are good enough. I never got hard thinking about eating a kitten. That paragraph is rifer with double-entendres than Baltimore is with STDs.

On PETA's sea kitten website, they have an option for creating your own sea kitten. So, of course, I did.


That's my sea kitten, "Jizzguzzler". She's so precious. I gave her a litterbox and a bowl of water, EVEN THOUGH SHE LIVES IN THE FUCKING OCEAN AND IS NOT A CAT. I also accesorized her with a princess dress, cat ears, a unicorn horn and an elephant trunk. I did this so it would have a hard time swimming and hopefully fucking drown in a lake somewhere. I would jack off so hard to this dead fish that my penis would look like Santonio Holmes' wife after an argument. It would be cut harder than Paul Ernster was.

FUCK YOU, PETA. Why do you do this to my head? Why do you make me hate you so much?!?!?! I hate fur. Fur is gay. Why is that not your campaign? Imagine how effective this would be:


That ad campaign would be hugely successful. And no one could argue with it...50 Cent does indeed look gayer than flavored chap-stick in that picture. They could equate fur with jizz lattes. But noooo, they have to go with fur is murder and save the animals and all that jazz. Well fuck the delicious animals, PETA. I will personally kill all of them and eat them. I will make fur condoms and fuck your activists while wearing them. I will build a fur house and do nothing but torture animals in it. And it's all going to be your fault.

PETA, why do you have to make people hate kittens?

Fewer dropped calls!

Cingular has fewer dropped calls than all of the other phone networks! We're fucking serious about that! To prove it to you people, we've enlisted the help of Braylon Edwards!

Hey Braylon!


Yes?


Catch!

*Throws football at Braylon Edwards*


*Drops ball*

FUCK! What the hell was that spinny motion you put on the ball?


You mean a spiral?


I guess. I haven't seen that in awhile.


Whatever. We have Braylon here to show you that we have the fewest dropped calls of any network. Hey Braylon, check out this 8125 Pocket PC phone, one of Cingular's many new phones free with a 2-year calling plan!


*Lobs 8125 Pocket PC phone to Braylon Edwards*


*Fumbles 8125 Pocket PC phone before dropping it to the ground, cracking the screen*

I think I broke it.



Forget about that. I'm going to call you now.


(singing)

She said Young, why your voice so hoarse...I just sound like money baby I should'a been a Porsche (vroooom)....paint lookin' like a.....

(singing cuts off)


Cool ringtone. Hello?


Braylon, can you hear me?


Yes.


Can you drop this call?


No. Why am I being driven through a random tunnel?


Braylon, you are in the tunnel and you still can't drop this call?


I cannot drop this call. I'm trying!


There you have it! Even Braylon Edwards cannot drop a call on the Cingular network!

Cingular, fewer dropped calls than any other cellular provider!


Braylon....Braylon? You there?......Braylon?

Some people do not have a clue

In my spare time, you know, when I'm not busy actually working or writing words, I read words that were written by other people. Because I'm fucking cultured. One of these places is that listed about, "Wrap Around Curl", written by a young (presumably, I mean it is the internet, am I right? Am I right, Mayor Bloomberg?) woman who goes by the pseudonym of...well, Wrap Around Curl. Her blog covers a lot of hockey and random stuff, but the main point of emphasis there is on her following of a minor league hockey team in Spokane, WA. The Spokane Chiefs.

Now, you may be thinking, the Spokane Chiefs? Who the fuck are the Spokane Chiefs??? And when you say that, you will have made my point for me. Chances are, unless you are sweet at geography like I am, you will go to Google Maps and look up exactly where the hell this place is. Whatever, that's not important. Recently, a PR member from the Chiefs saw this free publicity and decided that the team would have none of it. They threw every made up rule in their made up book at her. Amongst their rules:

- You are not allowed to use the last name of the players on a shirt. They claim to own the names of the players.

- You cannot post your personal pictures from the games on the internet without a press pass.

- You will not be given a press pass if your website has bad words on it.

This is the public relations guy. Public relations. This is how this random minor league hockey team responds to the fact that someone has started a relatively popular (especially as far as blogs about minor league hockey teams go) blog dedicated to your team. They took the free publicity and pissed all over it like it was one of R. Kelly's 14 year old girlfriends.

They may have a few points, legally. Although copyright law was not written to cover the internet and there is a whole lot of grey area just waiting for a significant precedent to finally be set, they may still have some valid points. But...that's just a terrible public relations decision to go ahead and do that to someone who writes about your team in an overall favorable light. People that would have never heard about the Spokane Chiefs...well, now they had. And now, these same people probably think that the Chiefs are a bunch of douchebags. That's what this move has given them. They have become douchebags. That is the opposite of the intention of public relations. Especially as far as they took it, claiming to own the last name of the players.

I'm pretty sure they don't. Just the hockey likeness.

For example, I could not make a custom Cleveland Browns jersey and write Braylon Edwards on the back of it. However, if I wanted to make a jersey for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and write "Edwards" on the back, I'm pretty sure the team cannot stop me. They can try, but it's probably not worth it for them to associate themselves in a situation they are unlikely to win and in which the phrase "Dicksucking Albatrosses" will become associated with the team. Braylon Edwards may have a claim against me, but the team does not, as far as I can tell. So if Tokarski has a problem with his name being used on a shirt, he can send her an email, and I'm sure she'd oblige. But when the PR member for the team does and claims to pretty much own the player's name? That's dickmove right there, Spokane Chiefs.

I'm guessing the only reason the team didn't have a lawyer send the email is the fact that they probably don't have one.

I bet the Penguins are glad the Pensblog has a huge following. It's good for the team, even if it does associate Charlie's gayness with them. People pay more attention. In fact, I bet their following amongst the gay crowd has gone way up since Charlie was introduced. I'll ask Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Crist the next time I see them. Apparently, however, the Spokane Chiefs do not feel the same way about blogs dedicated to their team. People clinging to this anti-blog old school mentality are gonna get left behind, just like Buzz Bissinger, whom everybody under the age of 30 now thinks is a douchebag. Maybe the Chiefs will give him an honorary press pass.

EDIT: Here's another fun example of a hockey team behaving in a Gestapo fashion. An NHL team! This is the kind of stuff that is exacerbating the collapse of newspapers and the old media.