Blogger's block

Yeah, I've had pretty much nothing to write about in the past few weeks, so I've had to dip pretty deep at times. Part of it is being idealess, another part is being too lazy to actually write something, and then the remaining 17% was in deference to the highly-respected grandeur of Black History Month. So, while I was writing up my entry for my fitsstakes on the AofG website, I saw an article that TypePad linked to entitled "10 Ways to Find New Blog Topics". I thought, "surely, this is going to be incredibly gay". And I was right. But, hey, I guess it gave me something to write about.

1. Check your comment section.

Some of the best ideas come from readers. Read through your comments and check for interesting questions, provoking thoughts, or anything that could become a good post topic. Focus particularly on any comment threads that contain a spirited discussion among readers. If it's hot, run with it.

Wow! That runs so contrary to the commonly held belief among bloggers to completely ignore your comment section like you were Gaetan Dugas and it was an HIV symptom. I mean, this is pure genius! Read your comment section...wow. Epic advice over here from TypePad. Should I consider using pictures as well?

2. Create a list.

Whatever you blog about, there is likely an exciting list that you can uncover. Write the “5 Secrets to...” or the “Top 10 Ways...” or “8 Reasons Why...” or “3 Ways to Find Out...” They're quick and painless, and even better: they're fun to read.

Yeah! A list! How about "Loftiest 6 reasons why lists are the gayest form of blogging..." or maybe "Least entertaining styles of writing that anyone can do, even Jay Mohr..." or something of that nature. I'll be fucking famous once I start making more lists and reading my comments section. I can be like Will Leitch without the emo hair!

3. Review your greatest hits.

Read back through your old posts, particularly the ones that generated a good amount of feedback, and consider writing a fresh angle on the topic. If a subject was compelling once, it might be worthwhile to explore another variation on it.

Ohhh, I like it! Rewrite something that you didn't fuck up in the past. FRESH. I love using freshness analogies, and right now TypePad's ideas are so fresh that they are like the cryogenic sperm lab of blogging. Hey, remember that awesome post I wrote about skull-fucking goats? Well, here it is from another angle, that of the goat. Enjoy!

4. Spend some time on social networking sites like Digg and StumbleUpon to find out what other people are blogging about.

Sometimes just browsing through headlines of buzz-worthy blog topics will be enough to jumpstart your creativity. Good ideas are contagious, so take time to read popular blogs and blogs that are generating lots of conversations, and you'll soon have a bunch of new ideas.

Well, of course it is. Who doesn't do this? I used to write all kinds of posts in response to CNN.com articles and stuff like that. Come on, TypePad, how about something clever? Or new? Or something that my illegitimately children are not capable of figuring out themselves?

5. Explore blogs in an entirely different category than yours.

Stepping outside your own content area is a wonderful way to be inspired. Have a marketing blog? Read a few food blogs. Have a craft blog? Check out a few political blogs. Inspiration is just a few clicks away.

Can't think of anything to write for your Cincinnati Reds blog? Have you checked out anything on the Pakistani Liberation Movement recently? Surely your readers will be inspired to cheer for Jay Bruce this year after you touch on the tragic murder of Benazir Bhutto. Have a travel blog? Read about chap stick! Have a quilting blog? Read about SARS! Have a skiing blog? Listen to a Joe Jackson song!

6. Do something different.

Create a post using only pictures. Hold a contest. Give something away to the “nth” person who comments. Invite your readers to ask you a question. Participate in a blog meme. Write a pros and cons list on a topic that is relevant for your audience. Write a post in your “alter ego” voice, contradicting a stance you would usually take. Create a poll. Write about a blog post that you had a strong reaction to.

Eschew words completely! Type up a blog post using only your flaccid penis! Offer to blow your commenters! Allow your readers to actually contact you! Do something stale as fuck that everyone else is doing! Write a list, even though we already said that! Break the Global Warming debate down using only hyeroglyphics and a Venn Diagram! Write a post as your neighbor's snake! Offer to trim your pubes with a '97 Ford Taurus timing belt on webcam! Really, the possibilities are endless.

7. Invite a guest author to write a blog post.

If you need a break on the writing front, why not ask another blogger to write a guest post? Another up-and-coming blogger will likely seize the chance to write for a new audience, and your regular readers will get a fresh perspective.

Because maybe you don't have an enormous following? Or maybe because this doesn't cure your blogger's block? Or maybe it's just because they probably would have started their own blogs (and, I mean, let's get serious...most already have) if they really wanted to write something. If someone really wanted to write something on my site, and they asked, do you really think I'd turn them down? Of course not. Unless it was a detailed breakdown of how I'm gay and like to touch kids or something like that. In that case I probably would not run it.

8. Step away from the computer.

Some of the best ideas come when you stop trying so hard. Spend an hour or two at the museum; catch the afternoon matinee; browse the magazine rack; or crack open a novel. Chances are good that you'll find yourself inspired when you do return to your desk.

Chances are that you HAVE A FUCKING JOB and can't do this. Hey boss, I'm going to step away from the office for a few hours so I can write about Sabre-Toothed Tigers. If anybody calls for me, tell them to fuck themselves as deeply as they can until I'm refreshed enough to talk to them.

9. Turn on the news.

We know: since you started blogging, you don't watch nearly as much television, but local and national news are a goldmine of topic ideas. Tune in and be inspired.

We know, we already told you to look at other sources, but hey, we never said they could be on TV. While you're at it, consider talking to actual people or listening to the radio. Also, if you just see something that interests you, write about that. If you are feeling considerably adventurous, try watching the news on different channels!

10. Keep an idea log.

Buy a cheap notebook and jot down ideas whenever they come to you. Carry it with you when you're riding the bus or sitting at the airport. Next time you can't think of anything to post about, all you'll have to do is turn to your own treasure trove of brilliance.

Don't call it a damn treasure trove. That sounds like something that is used to collect errant sperm shots at a porn studio. Next time you can't think of something to blog and can't remember what you just thought about 5 minutes ago on the bus, get yourself a gay little notebook and a frilly pen to write with. That way, you won't forget to write about how unclean homeless people are when you get back to your apartment.

The challenge

I occasionally write at a second website (usually involves copying certain things from this site over) as "Newman". I know the guy who started it and he offered me a chance to put some stuff on there back when I started this place and had nary a viewer.

Well, another one of the guys who writes over there got tired of all the weight-loss, fit, what-have-you challenges that they always held over there and wanted to hold another type of challenge...one birthed from pure vanity. Behold, the first annual (probably not) AofG Meathead Challenge!

The goal? Well, we are two similarly sized fellows, both with a max bench press in the 225-265 area. The race is to 315 lbs. Winner is the first one to get there or the last one to stop trying.

I don't think my frame can support a 315 lb bench press, but I'm going to go for the gold here. VERN DOES NOT LOSE INTERNET CHALLENGES, and you can take that to the...uh, Paypal.

Allen Iverson at QB for the Lions?

That picture is theirs, not mine. Theirs being MJD at Yahoo, who wrote an opinion about AI being able to QB the Lions better than Daunte Culpepper.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I am a fan of the work of MJD. He used to have a sick blog here, the archives of which would entertain one for probably a full two days. Now he writes for Yahoo because face it, a playa gotta eat, although his audience went from a pretty smart sports-savvy lot to the Yahoo morons who struggle to complete full sentences and think that DALLAS IS AMERICA'S FUCKING TEAM DEAL WITH IT ROMO MVP is making a legitimate point about the deficiencies in the Tampa 2 cover scheme.

So, I'm a fan. But I disagree so vehemently with the idea that AI could step in and play QB for the Lions that I have to put it in writing here, where 10 people will read it. At least, outside of AB, they will be able to complete sentences without outside assistance.


"Danks mentioned on the podcast this morning that the best quarterback who currently calls Detroit home could well be Allen Iverson. At first, I chuckled. Then I thought about it and the chuckling stopped.

This could actually be true.

Now, maybe I'm wrong. It could be an absolutely absurd notion. But we're not talking about just any guy off the street here, we're talking about one of the world's finest athletes. And we're not talking about just any team with bad quarterbacks, we're talking about the 0-12 Lions, who the 2-10 Chiefs look at and say, "Thank goodness we don't have those quarterbacks."

Really? You don't say. The 2-10 Chiefs, who have Tyler Thigpen, he of a 1,347 yard, 11 TD to 4 INT line in the past 6 games for a team with the Kansas City Chief's offense, are glad that they don't have Drew Stanton backing up Dan Orlovsky? No way!

Just because the Chiefs are 2-10 and would not want Daunte Culpepper does not say that the Lions QBs are bad enough that Allen Iverson would be an upgrade. The Seahawks are 2-10 as well, but I'm pretty sure they'd prefer to keep Matt Hasselbeck, because he's like, pretty good at QB.

"Thirty-one NFL teams felt like Daunte Culpepper was not worth a phone call and the veteran's minimum salary. The Lions were the only team desperate enough to give him a ring. And not only that, they named him their starter just days after he signed the contract. No other team wanted him as a third quarterback. The Lions wanted him as their first."

That is not completely true. As far as I remember, the Steelers among other teams wanted Culpepper as a backup. I'm sure a few other teams did as well. However, Culpepper wanted to be a starter and did not want to be a backup and earn the veteran minimum. Probably seeing this as his only chance to earn an NFL starting job next season, he went for it. I still don't think it means Allen Iverson would be a better NFL option than Daunte Culpepper.

"Since then, Culpepper has a sickly 53.6 quarterback rating. Vince Young was better. Brooks Bollinger was better. Ryan Fitzpatrick is better. Tarvaris Jackson was better. Gus Frerotte is way better."

All of those guys would be better options at QB than Allen Iverson.

The Lions thought they may have been able to get something out of Daunte. They have now probably seen that they cannot. They would not expect the same out of Allen Iverson, who never had one of the greatest statistical seasons of a QB in NFL history.

"So realistically, what could we expect if Allen Iverson was placed under center for the Lions? Obviously, he'd have no knowledge of the offense, terminology, or how to read an NFL defense. These are hindrances. But those same problems don't stop JaMarcus Russell from going out there every week."

That's why I read MJD's blog. He's lolzy. Howevs, I think AI's biggest problem is that he hasn't played QB at any level since high school. This was 15 years ago, where he ran all over some high school kids in Virginia. As one of the commenters on his article pointed out, Iverson was better than Ronald Curry. Well, why isn't Ronald Curry playing QB in the NFL? He wasn't anything special even at UNC. Steve Breaston ran roughshod on PA high schoolers. Yet, he's not playing QB in the NFL. Michael Vick was a rare case of someone who went absolutely nuts running all over NCAA competition. No one was ever even close to Vick. Yet, he wasn't even that good in the NFL. I have a feeling that a 33 or whatever year old Allen Iverson would not be able to run past AJ Hawk.

"Iverson knows how to play quarterback, though. He played the position in high school and won a state title, and there are those who say he was better at football than basketball."

That's great. There are also those who said Ed Hinkel was the best Pennsylvania high school player that they ever saw. There were probably some people who thought Antonio Gates was better at basketball in high school, like, I don't know, Kent State. A lot of people who won state titles in high school football are not playing QB for the Lions right now. I would also wager that a lot of those people thought he was a better DB than QB. Daunte Culpepper also knows how to play QB, as he has played in high school, college, and even the NFL.

"More importantly than that, though, there are things that great, highly-competitive athletes know and feel that translate to any sport. It's a desire to find an edge; it's the ability to learn on the fly the best way to get something done.

Great athletes have that. You don't get to Allen Iverson's level without being a smart player with amazing instincts"

So...Iverson's natural competitive instincts would make him a force at badminton? Or maybe he would be an incredible swimmer? Instincts and desire to find an edge will only get you so far. At some point, you have to avoid being tackled and throwing incomplete passes. Those are the areas at which I think AI would struggle. You don't get to Allen Iverson's level in basketball without being a smart player with amazing instincts, maybe. However, I don't think that Peyton Manning would make a good point guard, regardless of his obviously amazing football instincts. AI is a 30-something NBA point guard who played QB in high school. I'm still unconvinced that he could start for the Lions.

"Obviously, you wouldn't expect a 45-of-60, 380-yard passing performance from Iverson. He's not going to be Joe Montana. But you could put him in the shotgun, tell him to throw only when he sees an open guy, and just let him run around.

You could line up and do some crazy wildcat formation stuff, run some quarterback sweeps ... just let him make things happen."

Yes, make things happen. Like 3 yard losses. I don't think AI is getting away from Jevon Kearse. I'm sorry, I just don't. And I'd imagine that the Vikings coaches told Tarvaris Jackson not to throw the ball unless he sees an open guy, and we all saw how well that worked. And how is a formation in which your QB plays the QB position something crazy like a Wildcat formation?

"Hey AI, you haven't played football in 15 years, and here you are in the NFL. Don't throw the ball unless you see a guy streaking across the middle of the field for a sure touchdown after the strong safety rotated down to cover the flat. Shouldn't be that hard, no?"


"And yeah, he'd see eight, possibly nine guys in the box. But again, Iverson can throw the football, and if he's going to see those kinds of fronts, he's got the speed and elusiveness to get away from the rush. From there, Calvin Johnson one-on-one against anyone isn't a bad option. Iverson can chuck a 50/50 ball up there as well as Daunte Culpepper, can't he?"

How do you know AI can throw the ball? Because he completed a couple of lob passes in a high school highlight video that took place in 1994? And why do you think he can escape the rush with no problem? Why don't the Lions go out and get a guy like Josh Cribbs if it's that easy? I mean, he played QB in college and he's already in the NFL, so, I mean, that would have to work, right?

And no. I don't think Iverson can chuck a 50/50 ball up there to Calvin Johnson as well as Daunte Culpepper. I think Iverson would throw more interceptions than completions. I'm going to go out on a limb here...Allen Iverson does not have an NFL throwing arm. Daunte Culpepper might not anymore, either. But he's a hell of a lot closer to it than Allen Iverson is.


"I wouldn't argue for Iverson as a starter for any other team. This is a special case. And I wouldn't argue for Allen Iverson as a career NFL quarterback. There's a reason he went in the direction of basketball. He'd be the smallest quarterback in the modern era of the NFL."

I don't have any problem with this other then the thought that Iverson played in the NBA because he's too small for the NFL. I guess he's talking about bulk there, because otherwise that doesn't make any sense. Also, he can't be that much smaller than Doug Flutie.

"But you look at the Lions right now, and at the quarterback position, and they're not getting anything from it. Not only is Culpepper not making big plays, but he's not even making the average plays. He gives you consistent, below-average play with no hope for a major benefit.

Put Iverson back there, though, and he's going to make things happen. He might have some major disasters. But he might also make some mind-blowing plays. At the very least, he'd make it difficult for opponents to prepare."

Daunte Culpepper was probably awesome in high school, too. You are likely to get even less out of AI, since, you know, he's not an NFL QB and you are advocating putting him at the position of NFL QB. I can't see him making a mind-blowing play in a good way just because he was shifty when he was 17. He'd make it real easy for opponents to prepare. "Hey, guys, this QB is barely capable of the forward pass. He's going to have the worst arm you've ever seen in your entire careers. He hasn't played football in 15 years. He's 33. Ok, let's not let him beat us!". I don't think Dick Lebeau would lose any sleep because his defense would be going up against an offense led by Allen Iverson.

"Certainly, it couldn't hurt the Lions, but that's not saying much. At 0-12, it wouldn't hurt the Lions to take the field in panties and paper party hats. That's not the question we're asking here.

We're asking if Iverson would honestly be the best option at quarterback for the Lions. We're asking if he'd give them a better chance to win than anyone else currently on the quarterback depth chart.

In a major upset, I say yes."

It could hurt the Lions. Maybe not in the wins and losses department, but it would make them even worse. They can get worse. It is possible. The only good thing might be the interest that they would garner signing AI to play QB. However, they'd also have the stigma of being a sideshow act.

Would Iverson give you a better shot to win than Dan Orlovsky?

In a decision based upon rational thought, I say not a fucking chance.

Some people do not have a clue

In my spare time, you know, when I'm not busy actually working or writing words, I read words that were written by other people. Because I'm fucking cultured. One of these places is that listed about, "Wrap Around Curl", written by a young (presumably, I mean it is the internet, am I right? Am I right, Mayor Bloomberg?) woman who goes by the pseudonym of...well, Wrap Around Curl. Her blog covers a lot of hockey and random stuff, but the main point of emphasis there is on her following of a minor league hockey team in Spokane, WA. The Spokane Chiefs.

Now, you may be thinking, the Spokane Chiefs? Who the fuck are the Spokane Chiefs??? And when you say that, you will have made my point for me. Chances are, unless you are sweet at geography like I am, you will go to Google Maps and look up exactly where the hell this place is. Whatever, that's not important. Recently, a PR member from the Chiefs saw this free publicity and decided that the team would have none of it. They threw every made up rule in their made up book at her. Amongst their rules:

- You are not allowed to use the last name of the players on a shirt. They claim to own the names of the players.

- You cannot post your personal pictures from the games on the internet without a press pass.

- You will not be given a press pass if your website has bad words on it.

This is the public relations guy. Public relations. This is how this random minor league hockey team responds to the fact that someone has started a relatively popular (especially as far as blogs about minor league hockey teams go) blog dedicated to your team. They took the free publicity and pissed all over it like it was one of R. Kelly's 14 year old girlfriends.

They may have a few points, legally. Although copyright law was not written to cover the internet and there is a whole lot of grey area just waiting for a significant precedent to finally be set, they may still have some valid points. But...that's just a terrible public relations decision to go ahead and do that to someone who writes about your team in an overall favorable light. People that would have never heard about the Spokane Chiefs...well, now they had. And now, these same people probably think that the Chiefs are a bunch of douchebags. That's what this move has given them. They have become douchebags. That is the opposite of the intention of public relations. Especially as far as they took it, claiming to own the last name of the players.

I'm pretty sure they don't. Just the hockey likeness.

For example, I could not make a custom Cleveland Browns jersey and write Braylon Edwards on the back of it. However, if I wanted to make a jersey for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and write "Edwards" on the back, I'm pretty sure the team cannot stop me. They can try, but it's probably not worth it for them to associate themselves in a situation they are unlikely to win and in which the phrase "Dicksucking Albatrosses" will become associated with the team. Braylon Edwards may have a claim against me, but the team does not, as far as I can tell. So if Tokarski has a problem with his name being used on a shirt, he can send her an email, and I'm sure she'd oblige. But when the PR member for the team does and claims to pretty much own the player's name? That's dickmove right there, Spokane Chiefs.

I'm guessing the only reason the team didn't have a lawyer send the email is the fact that they probably don't have one.

I bet the Penguins are glad the Pensblog has a huge following. It's good for the team, even if it does associate Charlie's gayness with them. People pay more attention. In fact, I bet their following amongst the gay crowd has gone way up since Charlie was introduced. I'll ask Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Crist the next time I see them. Apparently, however, the Spokane Chiefs do not feel the same way about blogs dedicated to their team. People clinging to this anti-blog old school mentality are gonna get left behind, just like Buzz Bissinger, whom everybody under the age of 30 now thinks is a douchebag. Maybe the Chiefs will give him an honorary press pass.

EDIT: Here's another fun example of a hockey team behaving in a Gestapo fashion. An NHL team! This is the kind of stuff that is exacerbating the collapse of newspapers and the old media.

Stepping to the defense of powder blue

I didn't think I'd ever have to do this...but I saw some powder blue bashing going on and I have to step up in defense of the best uniform color ever. I don't even think it's close. Powder blue makes everything awesome...I swear, if I was forced to have intercourse with a 75+ year old lady, I'd go for one of the blue haired ones. I'd even let her watch me jack off to her daguerreotypes, and I'd be fucking into it. Trust me, it would be worth the price of admission.

TONIGHT: VERN on stage, masturbating furiously to some of the hottest daguerreotype photographs in existence. The renowned entertainer VERN has received worldwide acclaim for his incredible ability to stroke the fuck out of himself.

TICKETS: $10, sold at the front starting two hours before the show or online at www.vernjacksit.gravy.

Regardless of all that, the fact remains that the light blues look silky in almost every single example of their usage. It's like they are made out of pure luscious silk. Don't argue with me. ARGUE WITH THE JPEGs, MOTHERFUCKER:


That's hottttt.


Sick.


Delicious.


UNC's uniforms are they only thing about them that I can stand.


The powder blue looked so good here that it looks as if it led to an outbreak of gay love.


San Diego's blues are the NFL's best uniform.


The light blue makes Woodland Hills High School's uniform. It's easily the best in Western PA in my opinion.


These are even better than the current Penguin blue uniforms.


I want an Expos jersey.


Don't ever criticize the blues, motherfuckers. I don't know where you live but I can find out. Not sure what I'd do after I found out, but it would almost certainly include a semi-threatening voicemail.

And no one wants to have to go through that.