You float in the pool like a broad, Alain Bernard!

Yeah, you, Frenchy. God, I sound like Sean Hannity. Regardless, the guy pictured above not only speaks French, he also floats in the pool like a broad.

You may have missed it, as I certainly did because I don't give the slightest of horsefucks about swimming, be it at the Olympics, at a local pool, or in the Caribbean between Cuba and Key West with the aid of an innertube. Swimming is like asserting your superiority over fish and manatees, and no one really needs to do anything to prove that we are better than those fat fucking seacows. Yeah, look manatees, we can come into your house and as a team of four swim faster than you between two distinct points. Go impale yourselves on some coral reefs.

Regardless, a US team that improbably included a black swimmer (OMG!) overcame both brash predictions by Bernard and their underdog status and swam faster than any group of four people had ever swam 400 meters in 100 meter increments. Not only did they break the record, but so did the French, and whoever finished third, and then fourth, and then fifth. The US team broke the record by 4 motherf-ing seconds, and I can't even think of an analogy that properly describes how ridiculous that is. Team France lost by a mere .08 seconds, which made this the second closest race in Olympic history and the closest since "Lumberjack" Larry Waller's .06 second victory over "Bottlecaps" Bill Yardsworth in 1848. Experts have accredited this to the fact that the water was shallower than usual and also to Speedo's new sweetass swimsuits that apparently allow you to swim 4 seconds faster than anyone in history by themselves alone and should probably be illegal. Athletes should have to swim in full Armani suits from now on. Nowhere in the article was it mentioned how gay it is to be an "expert" at swimming, although I'm guessing this was to be assumed. I personally think that the Chinese are still dumping chemicals into the pool water.

This begs the question...why was the pool different than every other pool in the history of poolswimming? Shouldn't all pools be the same? If this pool is that much faster than every other pool, then records aren't going to matter anymore and we probably shouldn't even waste the time to keep track of them. Take this as a call to arms...this time currently spent record-keeping could be spent much more efficiently in the art of manatee-spearing. Last I checked, there were still manatees in the water, and there is no way to reason with them other than a spear right between their fat seacow eyes. Fuck manatees.