25 catchiest songs of all time, according to Vern in 2003

Back when I was in college, it was a pretty relative consensus that I had one of the most happenin' AIM profiles around. In a school of 2,000, this wasn't necessarily a huge accomplishment, likely on par with being the best competitive eater in Harare, but I happily took it then, and I'd happily take it now.

Anyway, I was just moving some files around on my computer and deleting some old unnecessary ones when I came across a word file that took me right back in the day, just like a DeLorean. One day, I weirdly decided to eschew clever lines about breaking more hymens than gymnastics in favor of a random list of the 25 catchiest songs of all time, according to me at the time and pooling from the MP3 files that I had stolen off of the internet to date and currently had on my computer, next to the essay documents and horse-porn. Well, I might as well go into my mind and see exactly what I was thinking back in the day.

25. Blue - Eiffel 65

I'm blue, dabi di dabi di. Yeah, it might be gay, but this is a list of the catchiest songs of all-time, and if you didn't know the formula, you have to multiply by the square root of gay to get the final catchiness value. And hey, this fucking song is catchy. However, the fact that it would make you want to shoot yourself in the head for being subjected to it really hurts in the end and leads to it's ranking in the 25th spot. However, 5 years later, I'm ok with having it at the end of the list. If you want to comment on how ridiculous this is...well, save your breath, because you'll have so much more to add by the end that you'll forget about this one.

24. The Clash - Rock the Casbah

OMG, a decent song on the list! Shareeeeeeef Abdur-Rahim don't like it...how can anyone be against this one? You can't, unless you hate Arabs. Hopefully the people in Kansas are too busy laying on the cornfields like broads to have time to read this.

23. Jimmy Buffet - Piña Coladas

What the f was I thinking here? The song is fine, but Jimmy Buffet doesn't even sing this. It's Rupert Holmes, who I believe has come out as gay, meaning he was talking to a dude about getting fruity drinks, so I guess it makes sense. Guess they met at the Julius Bar for a Sip-In.

22. Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time

I think the fact that Cyndi Lauper sings this song like she is being forcefully penetrated by a confused deer is what really gives this song the extra "it" that pushes it onto the list. Hey, weird semi-pun! Anyway, you ask, what "is" "it"? Well, I'm sorry, but you are going to have to ask Bill Clinton's legal team for that one. All I know is that Cyndi Lauper was doing something unnatural when she recorded this song and I commend her for pushing the boundaries of conceivable human behavior, or something that. I really need to avoid using grown-up words, because I have no idea what I just said. Kind of Alberto Gonzales.

21. Billy Joel - Still Rock and Roll to Me

Ok, first "what the hell were you thinking, 19-year old Newman?" of the list, as this isn't even in Billy Joel's top 5 catchiest songs of all time, let alone the top-25 list of everyone else who ever recorded sound in history. I couldn't go with the heart attack-ak-ak-ak-ak song? Or even Zanzibar? I want to go back in time and give myself Rush Limbaugh's ear disease.

20. En Vogue - What's It Gonna Be

Eh. I don't think this one is particularly catchy today. I mean, it's not bad, but I don't think I'd put it on a top-25 list today. The main reason? BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WASTE THE DAMN TIME TO MAKE A STUPID LIST LIKE THIS NOWADAYS. Man, I long for the days when my only responsibility was to read 8 pages on electromagnetic fields and show up to the lab at 4:30.

19. Will Smith - Will2K

Kind of cheating, since it samples Rock the Casbah for the music. And by samples, I mean reuses almost completely identically. But it has Big Will! And K-Ci from K-Ci and JoJo! They did a song with Tupac! Then Tupac died! Who's the next gangsterest gangster? That's right. The Fresh Prince. The Willenium is here. And we gonna party like it's nineteen...hold up, it is!

18. Luscious Jackson - Naked Eye

Was I serious? I guess. Let me cue this up in WinAmp.

Hey, not bad! That's pretty catchy! Oh, wait, she started singing the verses. Sorry, Luscious, but you just kind of ruined it. I'm not really critiquing lyrical content here, as my first song pretty much revolves around everything being blue, but at least they weren't serious, I hope. These chicks probably were. With my naked eye, I saw all the falling rain...falling down on me. Uhhh....yeah, kind of monotonous and, well, I mean, most people can see and feel rain, and...I need to stop thinking too hard or I'm going to have an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this list was before Laura Branigan did the same, so she didn't make it.

17. Geggy Tah - Whoever You Are

You know, thank you for letting me switch lanes while I drove my Volkswagen in a commercial. I think the stupidity and annoyingness of this song makes it catchy, as it gets stuck deep in your head just like that bathroom scene from Scary Movie. Still, I don't think that it should count, so once I retire from my job as a lumberjack and have some extra time on my hands, this isn't going to make my futurelist.

16. Go-Go's - Our Lips Are Sealed

Eh. I mean, it's kind of catchy. But I think I was stretching for filler here. Hmmm. Awkward sentence. For some reason, though, I know this song was from the era in which my parents were pretty much my age now. And it's really the only song I associate with that fact. I'm a strange person.

15. Presidents of the USA - Peaches

No. GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY LIST. What was I thinking here? This song is just gay. Energetic gay. Like headbanging while trying not to spill your appletini all over your Crocs. The inclusion of this song leads me to believe that I took one too many team showers after football practice. Golden showers! LOL! Just getting that out of the way. Remember that when you see it as the final scene when they make a gay version of Eight Mile.

14. Nick Cannon - Gigolo

This one was a topical pick. It faded quicker than Ed O'Bannon, but at the time, it got caught in everyone's head. R. Kelly really did his thing here, right before his thing was urinating on 14-year old girls. It won't make my 2040 list.

13. Soft Cell - Tainted Love

Ok, there's a winner. No qualms with this one. I'm going to send an email to my old college address to let me know that I approve of this choice. But only after I fight my way out of this straitjacket.

12. R. Kelly - Ignition (Remix)

Another topical pick, another score for Kels. Fitting that he got numbers 12 and 14. Insert Bill Simmons blackjack joke! Insert LOL! Pull trigger, kill self! Whoops, forgot a suicide note. If I would have remembered to write one, I'd note that I wouldn't include this one on the list anymore.

11. Annie Lennox - Walking on Broken Glass

Do do do do do do....ohhhhh. Ohhhhh. My. Deity of your choice. This is another gay, gay choice, which is impressive with something that pretty much is soaking in conceptual gayness right from the start. No offense to Annie Lennox, but...I think she may have came to Melissa Etheridge's window. I'm guessing that's where all of the broken glass came from, but I hope that she was careful, because open wounds are the last thing you need while you have unprotected gay sex. Just bring Rock Hudson back to life and ask him.

10. Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love

I think this was right before Robert Palmer's tragic death, which may have made this the last accolade that he received, and really, the best way a musician can go. He was on the minds of tens of people. As to the song? I don't really think it's exceedingly catchy. So it would get scratched from my new list. RIP, you superstar, you. I hope they have obnoxious guitar riffs in pop-rock heaven.

9. Avant - Flickin'

Flickin' accompanied us on our 19-year old idiots trip to Canada in June of 2003, and I was immediately convinced of its superior catchiness as we had to play this damn song over and over again. And no one was complaining. However, about 6 months to a year later, the novelty began to wore off, and I'm sad to say that Avant would not get his catchy jam on my current list. Likely replacements include Nik Kershaw's "Wouldn't It Be Nice", Howard Jones' "Things Can Only Get Better", and stabbing myself in the face with Chyna's tampons.

8. Hall and Oates - Your Kiss is On My List

Apparently my list was...wow. I think leather assless chaps were on it. Are more gay jokes ok? I guess so, you know. If you make your bed, you have to sleep in it. Probably with another dude. HA! I know, the blind ghost of Helen Keller saw that one coming. I really don't care. There is no excuse for this song to be on this list, and I have since attached the Melissa virus to the email that I am going to send to my 2003 account.

7. Huey Lewis - If This Is It

If I had made this list four years earlier than I originally did, this may have been number one. This song used to be like crack to the retarded part of my brain that gets songs stuck in it, leading me to believe that Ronald Reagan financed Huey Lewis when he created it. Now? Eh. I've illegally downloaded catchier tunes, however, it may make my current list as the token Huey Lewis song. This hurts my fingers to continue typing. They feel like Rulon Gardner's toes.

6. Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes - Time of My Life

Hmmm. Is it gay if you pretend it's a chick? Seriously. Anymore songs like this and I may need to know. And yet, anytime this song is played, I loudly sing along as much as I can. Of course, I don't think it has been played in 3 years. Guess that means it's due.

5. Toto - Africa

Hey! This song is awesome, and they even included Madagascar in the album art! Notably absent are Seychilles and the Cape Verde Islands, but I'll let it slide. The original advocates of making it rain, Toto! And in Zimbabwe today, anybody can make it rain. This is a song that I don't mind to get stuck in my head. Bless those rains, Toto. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Chase that woman in the song or whatever. And when you find her, impress the hell out of her with your standing on this list.

4. Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey

Well, if I am not mistaken, this was the only top something hit (looked it up...only Billboard Top 10 Song). So why the hell not? Well...because it's not that catchy, upon further review. I mean, the instrumental part is nice and all, but I don't think I can put it at number four in good faith. I still like the song, though. It might be in the top 25 or top 50. Did I just reason that out there? I swear I'm going to choke myself on these scissors.

3. George Michael - Father Figure

Let me make a confession...I'm a George Michael fan. I don't care if, in retrospect, he was talking to a man with small hands in this song. And you know what they say about dudes with small hands! They say that they love to touch George Michael. But whatever. If liking George Michael songs is gay, then Rebecca Lobo can personally deliver my WNBA season tickets for the New York Liberty. George Michael made some jams. And if you don't admit to that, then I won't take anything you say seriously unless you are talking about badass ways to repress your latent homosexuality.

2. Beach Boys - Kokomo

I mean, this song is catchy and all, but I think it's pretty easy to get out of your head and should not be anywhere near the top 10 or even possibly the top 20. I'm not sure why I gave it this high rating back in the day, other then the fact that Brian Wilson was my cocaine dealer. And now that I live down near these islands, I don't really see what the big deal is. It's hot as hell right now, and I don't really want to be sweating my hot-for-George-Michael balls off. Oh well. Let's see what I chose for number one...

1. Sting - Brand New Day

Sweet. How anti-climactic. At one point, this song got trapped deeply in a dark corner of my head for a lengthy period of time, almost like John McCain sang it. But then, it went away. And while I still kind of like the song and will admit that it has a catchy quality, I can't see it getting to number 1 or anywhere near it on the 2040 list. You really couldn't trust me in 2003, as I was thinking kind of weirdly at the time, and was probably under the influences of hallucinogens and recreational waterboarding. I bet I was making inexcusable decisions, like shopping at Winn-Dixie or paying for porn. I'll never get those years back.

And neither will you. I am sorry, but if you read through this, I am not able to give you that time back. For this I apologize and will say like, 8 Hail Mary's as my penance.