Monday, October 13, 2008

Just fuck me, America


Ya know, America, it's been tough row to hoe here to the white house but we've hoed it just as doggone well as we can. John and I are the kind of people that you and yours can identify with, Americans proud of their country. If ya ask me, our country has never been better. Never been stronger, never been safer, never been more free. And we intend to keep it that way and to keep our beloved land safe from....from, ya know, foreign attacks by terrorists who hate the fact that we are so darn free!

We've made our positions clear...we are on your side! We want to lower taxes because we know how you guys are feelin' out there feelin' the credit crunch and all-a-that pain at the pump. We've made it clear that we believe that this country was founded under God and that we need to live our lives in the manner that He intended for us to. We are appalled at all the innocent fetuses that get the darn RU-486 and get sucked right outta those vaginas. And we surely are not gonna cut and run out of Iraq until we have Bin Laden hung up in the White House lawn.

Barack Obama does not see America that way, guys and gals. Barack Obama wants to tell you how to live your life while he's out palling around with domestic terrorists! These guys are like Al Qaeda in Birkenstocks! God gave us all of this energy to use, and we need to drill it here so that we don't have to import it outta them Mid-Eastern places. By golly, we've got all of this oil sitting right here in the good ol' U S of A and the Democrats don't wanna let us get it outta the darn ground! Well, it's gettin' close to the election and I need to start being direct with you, America. I need you to know how I feel.

I just want you to fuck me, America.

I want you to pull up my skirt and shove it so darn far in me that I'll feel like I just did one of those dirty movies with Mandingo. I want you to drill me like ANWR, America. Oh my, I feel so good when you treat me like a dirty little schoolgirl slut. Plus it helps me relate to my daughter!

America, I'll let you put it anywhere you want to put it. You guys can fill up every single hole I have. Just pound away, America, pound away like a jackhammer on my uterus. Show me your bridge to nowhere, big guy, and I'll show you somewhere you can connect it to. Just grab me and choke me, America...please, make me feel naughty. Fuck me like I stole something. Oh God, America, I'll be so hot for you...turn me around and make me bite a pillow. Fuck me harder than I've ever been fucked, just like the glorious nation you are...swear at me, call me whatever you want, it will only turn me on more...oh fuck the hell out of me, America!

Just keep fucking me...fuck harder America FUCK HARDER!!! Have your way with me, America...slap me, choke me, pull my hair out of that little knot I tie it into...fuck the GILF right out of me, guys! DON'T STOP AMERICA! DON'T STOP!!!! Oh, rough me up...oh my God I feel dirty...fuck me like want to see what crazy fucking name I'll give to our kid, America! Actually, you probably are curious.

Are you about to finish, America? I'll pull it out and shove it straight in my mouth like a homeless chick at a breakfast buffet. Give it to me, America, every last delicious drop of freedom you have, I'll suck it right out of you...pull it out, put it on my face....put it in my hair, rub it on my chin, fuck, I don't care, put it in my eye, make me wink at you...it's all up to you, America. Anytime you need some more, you know where to find me.

Alright, now get the fuck out.

13 comments:

howard in nyc said...

well, isn't that special

(awesome, vern)

Vern said...

Thanks, Howard.

I'm just hoping nobody randomly finds this on a Google search and goes on a tirade because they don't realize that it's a damn joke.

Boxcar Fritz said...

And I'm hoping that does happen.

Dave said...

i cannot believe you wrote this about the NEXT VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES of america you are the worst blogger ever and i hope u die

Anonymous said...

you are sad disgrace how could you joke about this you sexist bastrd america is palin great needs a leader like this your just scared of strong woman. What you gonna do when McCain-Palin comes for you probably don't even vote you sad sack of shit go love your fucking muslim boyfriend and have him hope on you. Palin would never fuck you she has too much class so keep dreaming you fucking retard. I swear to god i can't wait til november 3rd so you liberal bitches will cry and drown in your own tears. you are so irrelevant i bet you probably suck muslim cock and love it like you fantasize about our future vice president you piece of dogshit. SUPPORT OUR TROOPS you fuckin faggot and love your country or fucking leave.

howard in nyc said...

i am hoping some media get ahold of it. or maybe some real patriots like the gang at freep.

Vern said...

That can't be real. There is no way that I do not know the person who did that.

I think the funniest part is the accusation towards me of not voting...on NOVEMBER 3RD.

Lori said...

my favorite part was imagining all of that in a Minnesota accent. Well done.

Rage said...

Oh yah, I'm with lori dare, vern...The accent does make it even funnier, you jesus-hating, terr-ist loving commie hippie pinko fag! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, and u better NOT vote unless...of fuck it, I can't even make people like that amusing today. The really sad part is that they don't realize that THEY are the strongest arguments FOR abortions....sigh....Great work, though. Love it.

Rage said...

oh and hey, vern? I'm one of those troops you need to support. That guy should be on Squidbillies

Vern said...

I'm still re-reading to find out exactly where I disrespected the troops.

Vern said...

I was had! The offender has revealed himself. He did a damn good job, too...the November 3rd and use of the word "faggot" had me going.

Stilly said...

Hahaha hilarious stuff. Good show Vern.