Fed to buy out Max Starks' contract

WASHINGTON - The federal government allocated a portion of the recent $700 billion buyout Wednesday by purchasing the $7 million contract of tackle Max Starks from the Pittsburgh Steelers. Starks will continue to play for the Steelers in the private sector, however, he will officially be considered to be a government employee. "It's going to lead to a contract of interest, I imagine", said analyst Emmitt Smith. "You've got all of these representators in Congress from all over the country that route for differing teams. I would bet dollar-flavored donuts that some of them will try to influenza Starks' play".

Senator and Steelers fan Joe Biden (D-Delaware) disagreed. "I take a train to Washington every day. And I talk to people on that train about Max Starks, and I ensure them that we will not be meddling in Max Starks' affairs." Still, not all are happy about acquiring this debt. "Have you seen Max Starks play?", asked Dick Lugar (R-Indiana). "He fucking sucks. This is a terrible debt. We actually expect Max Starks to play his way into a long-term deal that we can somehow make this money back on? Max Starks couldn't block Steven Hawking in the Everglades."

Still, head of the Treasury's Office of Financial Stability Neel Kashkari defends the move. "We are buying up bad debts, bad debts between irresponsible people and shortsighted institutions. And I haven't found a debt yet that exemplifies this better than this terrible contract between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Max Starks". Pressed to elaborate, Kashkari simply remarked, "seriously...what the fuck were they thinking?".