ENERGY

Energy has come on to the scene with a vengeance, as I'm sure you've all noticed assuming you've been out in public in the past year or two. Red Bull started this whole craze, mainly I guess because it mixes well with liquor, but now we appear to be past the point of no return. You've got hundreds of energy drinks, and on top of that I've seen energy shots and energy gum and energy mints and energy beer and today even saw energy spray. Energy spray? Double-you Tee Eff? I just spray this stuff on and I'll feel alive? I sure hope so, since apparently no one sleeps anymore these days.

Regardless, as an innovator and a guy who knows opportunity when I see it, I feel the need to get into the energy business. I figure it to be largely recession-proof, as people are always going to need to feel awake. At least those people that have homes. So let's whip up some sweet new energy products.

SOAP


*singing*FUUUUCKKKK YEAHHHH, WASHHHH YO'SELF WITH ENERGYYYY SOOOOAAAOAOOAAOOAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*end singing*

Player, I already gots the jingle.

What better way to start your day then to wash yourself clean with ENERGY SOAP...conveniently putting lighting into bar form. Also, energy soap will fight herpes. But no matter what you are washing off with this soap, just know that it will kickstart your day into high motherfucking gear. And leave you fresh and clean and smelling like a fresh lighting strike! If you can't fuck any fat chicks while using Energy Soap you are either gay or walking around with a shirt that says "I have herpes and I'll win $100 if I give it to you". And as we all know, women hate novelty shirts with exceedingly long messages on them.

Point is, you'd add energy soap to your shower and you fucking KNOW IT. It would be like rubbing an electrical storm all over your body, but without the bad side effects of singed pubes. Also, showering with energy soap will turn the shower water into ENERGY WATER.


CONTRACEPTIVES


Feel safe and AMPED UP while putting this energy condom on your energy dick and energyfucking the hell out of some broad!

However, you won't be the only one energyfucking safely if she's been taking energy birth control pills! Imagine that, destroying the fuck out of your eggs while getting jacked up in the process! It's like SCRAMBLING YOUR EGGS IN A FUCKING FRYING PAN! The official punctuation of these products is the exclamation point, and that's not just a marketing ploy. The energy condom will electrify your sperm so much that it's going to turn dark blue and will attain the ability to actually conduct electricity. Seriously, if you wear the energy condom and then pull out and shoot it on some batteries, your sperm will actually recharge those batteries. Those batteries are going to be a little tricky to handle afterwards, but hey, free power! Tell your power company to suck it. Literally.

So charge your sperm or make your eggs run for their lives with these latest innovations from our energy line. These products are brought to you by two words, FUCK and YEAH.

MAPS


Wooooooo! You fucking lost, bitch? Pick up an energy map!

Don't pull into some gas station late at night looking dreary as hell and decrepit. You could just look at your energy road map, which will wake you the fuck up and get you on track to reach your final destination with a backpack FULL OF WILLPOWER. This map is freaking soaked in energy fluids, which will leak into your body the same way the energy spray does. The only difference is that you will learn something with this map. And I'd think knowing where the fuck you are going is pretty important, almost as important as consuming four fetuses worth of pure energy at a time. And I'm not making that up, either. These maps are scientifically proven to contain the raw energy of four fetuses, harnessed into a complex road network.

So don't stumble around like a broad. GET AN ENERGY MAP TODAY!!!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and sniff up some energy coke.