Monday, November 17, 2008

Hey Steeler fans


Yesterday was a good day at the Steelers bar when all was said and done, due in large Rosanne Barr-esque part to the Steeler victory over the lightning bolts. Philip Rivers played ok but made one killer pick that the Steelers converted into a 2 inch field goal after a very heady play by Hines Ward to come over and help nudge San Antonio out of bounds.

But there were the usual few Steelers fans that I wanted to punch for all-out assault on reason.

First, and we'll call him "the guy who wears full Hines Ward uniform to the bar". He actually wore leg pads too, which means that he wore MORE FOOTBALL EQUIPMENT THAN HINES WARD TO A FUCKING BAR. And no, he doesn't just do that on Halloween. Fact is, this guy is scary how much he cares. The players themselves don't care as much as this guy does, at least not about a midseason game against a mid-tier non-divisional team. The sun will rise tomorrow, regardless of what happens. The grocery stores will be open. Lil' Wayne will release a mixtape.

But my main problem with this guy is his constant second-guessing of decisions while offering stupid rationale behind his decisions. First, the 51-yard FG attempt. My first thought was I'd go for it on 4th and 5, but if you think he can make the field goal you kick it. And Tomlin and Jeff Reed know better than us if they can make it or not. Reed had not missed a field goal all year, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, he did miss this one, but he wasn't short with it. He just shanked it. So full pads guy starts screaming FUCK YOU TOMLIN, GO FOR IT!!!!, and I looked at him in disbelief that someone could have that much emotional investment in a call in the middle of the first quarter, and he says..."you gotta fucking GO FOR IT, our defense is AWESOME!". They weren't punting, dickhead. OUR DEFENSE IS AWESOME!!!! is just as much a reason to kick the field goal as to go for it, because...you know, the Chargers get the ball at about the same spot following a failure regardless of what route you take there. His response was "they should have fucking gone for it in this weather!!!". What the fuck do you know about kicking 51-yard field goals in the snow, douchebag? Are you diagnosing this situation from a bar in Fort fucking Lauderdale? Who are you, Bill Frist? You have no idea about the field. If you think you can make the field goal in a 0-0 game, I have no problem with taking that shot. And if you think you should go for it, hey, I have no problem with that opinion either. But at least defend your decision with something somewhat resembling sense.

Second, we've been hearing all of this GET RID OF THE BALL! stuff. And to some degree, it makes sense. But when you look at the BenView cam, you can see that in a lot of these instances, the WRs just aren't open. This was especially the case yesterday, as the WRs were having their way with the Chargers CBs but were very slow to get into their breaks (almost certainly due to the field conditions, which affect WR/CBs more than anyone as they are all about cuts and breaks and other assorted quick changes of direction. While Ben does get happy feet and step into a lot of sacks, he seemed to do ok yesterday waiting for these breaks to happen. People still yelled, "GET RID OF THE BALL!!!". Why!?!?! Either the line was playing very well or the Chargers pass rush was poor, but that's irrelevant. The fact remains that you should take as much time as you can to get rid of the ball if you have it. And Ben had it. There is no point in checking down every time just because you can. The simple fact is that the best cornerback in the world cannot stay with a receiver forever because only one of them knows where he is going. This is especially true on a slick field. So why get it out of there quickly when you don't have to? If you want big plays, you have to let them develop.

Now, that being said, there was one instance where I wanted to punch everybody in the room. The Steelers were on the 35/40ish yard line and Ben just hit Mewelde Moore for a 7 or so yard gain. Decent play, right? Well, CBS showed Santonio Holmes open for about 15 yards and then showed Nate Washington about to break open into the end zone on a post route. Of course, people were cursing Roethlisberger for checking it down and not waiting for the WRs to break open. Well what the fuck do you want, morons? You can't have it both way. Of course Ben should have taken some more time to look at the WRs, and he certainly had it. But every time he does, you yell at him to get rid of the ball. What the hell? Which way do you want it? Do you want him to hold the ball or get rid of it quick every play? God damn it, people. It's tough to watch the game when all you want to do is hit everyone around you. I felt like an abortion doctor at a Mike Huckabee rally.

That wasn't all, though. The group of lesbians behind me took offense to me coughing from their cig smoke, and we eventually started discussing Roethlisberger, and mainly why I defended him after he threw an incomplete pass to drop his numbers to something like 25 of 32 for 256 yards at the time. In the fucking snow. "He's soooo overrated!!!!", one of them yells, which is an argument you may be able to make with facts if you have the capability for rational thought. But, she didn't. "You are a typical Pittsburgh fan, always making excuses for the quarterback. You should go back!". Well, lesbian number one, I know you are pissed off that we just passed a ban on gay marriage, but don't take your anger out on logic. YOU, my vagina loving friend, are the typical Pittsburgh fan. Guy in full uniform told me earlier, "I bet they throw to a wide open guy on the sideline because Ike Taylor is 10 yards off of him". I bet you they don't, guy in uniform. Oh, look at that, safety, Silverback Harrison. "Catch the ball Ike!!!!", yells everybody as Ike Taylor breaks up a pass in the endzone with one fucking finger. None of you 'typical' fans seem to realize how lucky we are to have a corner as good as Ike Taylor is. He's fucking shutdown. We've been cursing our secondary for years, and now we have someone like Ike fucking wrecking shop back there, and you are pissed. Someone as uncoverable as Santonio Holmes is our second receiver, but you morons hate him. Hines Ward drops a pass right after Holmes does, but it's ok because Hines can do no wrong. Neither can Polamalu when he gets caught committing to a run fake or a receiver in the flat and gets burned deep. YOU are the typical fans. But back to the lesbian.

THE TYPICAL FAN MAKES EXCUSES FOR THE QB!!?!!?!?

Holy titmilking cousin of fuck, lady.

Have you paid attention recently?

We ran Neil O'Donnell out of town. For one bad game. In the Super Bowl. Which we didn't get back to for 10 more years, even though our teams were fucking stacked for that decade. Do you think Neil might have led us back to another one? I sure do. But it was not to be, as Usain Bolt couldn't run out of Pittsburgh faster than Neil O'Donnell did.

We were rewarded with Kordell Stewart, who had a lot of flaws but did get us to a few conference championship games. What happened when he didn't deliver? We decided that he was busy sucking dicks in Schenley Park (even though it was actually in Frick Park, according to a knowledged source).

We ran TERRY FUCKING BRADSHAW out of town. Now you want to run Ben out? For Byron Leftwich, who any team in the NFL could have had for Ford Taurus money? You people want Tomlin gone, too. And Arians, although I can't really argue too much on that one. You want Larry Zierling out of town. Larry Zierling is not the one who gave Max Starks $7 million. You want to sign DeAngelo fucking Hall. You want give 33-year old Faneca $35 million. Let the Jets and the Redskins make those stupid cap moves. That's not how you win Super Bowls. Unless you are playing Madden. If these people that called me a typical Pittsburgh fan were coaching the team, we'd have a new QB and a new coaching staff and a new RB and a new everything every fucking year. We'd build a Madden team and be crushed by the cap in 3 years, underperforming the entire way. The only constants would be Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. Ike Taylor would be gone, but the corpse of Ty Law would be fucking LOCKING IT DOWN out there. Jerome Bettis would come back and dance around for 2 yards a carry, but he would kick up a cloud of fucking dust and it would be Steeler football and we can all be happy and go 6-10 and be SMASHMOUTH.

You wanted to run on 3rd and 1, and you got it the past two weeks. We got stuffed. It fucking happens. That's the NFL. So just shut the fuck up if you don't have anything resembling a logical sentence to say, and let me enjoy the game and high-five me when Ben hits Hines for a 15 yard touchdown or Harrison and Woodley crush the quarterback and knock the ball lose or Troy makes a sick interception. Wave your flags around when Jeff Reed hits a clutch field goal or Big Snack stuffs somebody on a 3rd and 1 play or Willie Parker breaks a 20 yard run outside. But don't yell about firing Tomlin when they have to punt or about putting in Leftwich when Ben throws an incompletion or replacing Ike when he breaks up one of the rare passes that QBs even throw at him without picking it off. Because I don't want to hear it, and I'm going to argue with you, and I'm going to insult you and my insults will be better than yours. And this is going to happen everytime you say something stupid and imply that you know anything that is going on better than I do and I should even give you the time of day. Because you are fucking retarded and it's hurting my face. So stop it.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would have assisted you in bringing the ruckus and smashing in some faces. Thanks for the laughs...

Cotter said...

"For Byron Leftwich, who any team in the NFL could have had for Ford Taurus money?"

Or bus fare and a bag of balls, even.

Vern said...

Jerome Bettis fare?

Rage said...

I, too would have helped you bring the ruckus in a mad, wu-tang, epic, murderin shit up style, cuz there ain't nothin on earth better than brawlin it up with some diesel dykes.

Vern said...

They should have been punched right in the vagina.

Rage said...

I heard they liked that fisting shit...or maybe I got that from a Kevin Smith movie...whatevs