Monday, November 24, 2008

I wish I could shave


I have no theme. Am I supposed to have a theme? You know, like how some people dedicate their blogs to the Steelers or to puppies or to the size of their genitals or something, I just kind of go with whatever I feel like putting down. Is that normal? I don't know. Regardless, on to something completely pointless and irrelevant.

I suck at shaving. Seriously. I am terrible. Luckily I grow facial hair like a 15 year old, so I only have to shave it like once a week or so. But just about every time I do I cut myself. Sometimes pretty badly. In any given month, I'll cut myself more than an emo kid would in his saddest year. Why is this so hard? It can't be like this for everybody, can it? Should I stop using 4 year old rusted razors? Or does my razor just feel like it's 4 years old and rusted because I am to shaving what Kyle Boller was to the forward pass? Or what John Holmes was to wrapping it up? I have no idea. But I need to work on it, because I'm tired of my face feeling like Andre Rison's house after Left Eye Lopez set it on fire. Really cramps my style for the next few hours.

In my continuing effort to be a perfect human, I really need to work on correcting small flaws such as these. Not to worry, though...I'll eventually master the shaving process. One of these days, laser hair removal surgery is going to be jealous.

10 comments:

Rage said...

Dude, if you're buying the cheap Bic disposables, then STOP. Buy a good razor, wait until you're wide awake to shave, but don't do it in a hurry. Pretend you're shaving your balls...you'll get better, trust me.

I'm GLAD there is no theme on this blog. Not only am I entertained by your random babblings, but if it were themed, such as...ohhhh let's say Pensblog...how entertaining is it to read a bunch of comments speculating about what Ray Shero is gonna do with extra defensemen? Not, I can tell you!

Vern said...

My razor is not cheap. It's not diamond-studded, but it ain't a Bic disposable. And I'm never in a hurry. I'm just absolutely terrible at it, regardless.

Rage said...

Then your face is soff, and I question it's commitment....

jerseyredwing said...

lmao...

Don't change your blog a bit. It's your wandering that make it divine.... the lesbians, the "hineswardinfullgearguy", your Craigslist postings? Absofuckinlutely brilliant.

Grow a goatee. That'll cut your shaving in half.

Agreed with Rage, you're weak skinned, but look at the bright side! In about 10 years, you'll get the hang of it.

now for the boring part...

You're probably using shaving cream and actually shaving too close. If you're still trimmin' peach fuzz, just man up and dry shave. That'll toughen ya up a bit. It's all about touch. Remember, you're just mowing the hair, not grading your face, so if you're using shaving cream, don't press so fucking hard!

Don't shave against the grain, that causes irritation.

Last but not least? Shaving SUCKS. You never really win, but you can get better at it.

Oh, and grow a goatee.

Vern said...

Can't grow a goatee. I can't grow one good enough to be work-acceptable.

And I do all of my shaving in the shower now. It's actually led to a big improvement. I used to be REALLY terrible.

AB said...

your pathetic "oh, pitiful me, no one recognizes me" ploy worked.

douche.

Vern said...

I hope you sleep with a smallpox blanket tonight.

tecmo said...

HAHAHA YOUR BLOG SUCKS, AB

Vern said...

To be clear, I know AB and he actually does have a good blog that he doesn't link to. Of course, other people carry it...but he's still on their team.

AB said...

i forgot that one was even linked. that didn't work out.