Friday, November 7, 2008

Argument that chaps my balls IV


Joe Montana just wants to air that NERF out. He wants to go deep.

And maybe it will get him another ring! That would logically make him the greatest football player ever and surely better than Dan Marino, right? I mean, Dan Marino never won any rings. Joe Montana was like Saturn compared to Marino. Forget that there were 20 other guys making big impacts on the games and none of Marino's were named Lott, Rice, Taylor, Craig, or Norton. Or...well, maybe they were, but they weren't as good as the ones Montana had. Point is...fuck this argument long and hard like you found it drunkenly wandering around your front yard at 4 am. And then tell it to leave once it sobers up.

Montana was good...real good. I mean, he had rings. But do you know who had more rings? No, I'm not thinking Charles Haley. Keep guessing...


Yep. That's right...Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. Sonic had more rings than any of these cockflossers, and it wasn't even close. That means he was the greatest...I mean, it's simple. Look at the rings. Since rings settle all arguments on how good a player was, it logically follows that:

- PBR is the best beer you will ever drink because it won a blue ribbon in 1896.

- The Olympics are faster than Audis because they have more rings in their logo.

- Ringpops are better than blowpops because they come on a ring, regardless of how incredibly gay they are. Really, if you are gayer than something called a "blowpop", well...you are pretty damn gay.

- My phone is better than your phone because I have more ringtones.

- Your cat, even if it has feline AIDS, is better than Magic Johnson. Because your cat has ringworm.

- Rafeal Belliard won a World Series once. Damn straight I'll take him over Ernie Banks!

- The only song better than "Ring Around the Rosey" is Dr. Dre's "Keep Their Heads Ringin'". No other song is even close.

- Giving your wife a wedding ring makes her a better quarterback than Dan Marino.

I hate this stupid argument in a team sport. There are so many factors that go into this argument that you can't just say "but he's got the rings" to say you'd rather have Troy Aikman or Derek Jeter as opposed to someone else who is obviously statistically superior but spent his entire career toiling for the Nebraska Fucklizards. Unless, of course, you are a highly paid TV "expert", in which you can feel free to fall back on this argument without any reprocussion from folks who "didn't play the game" because they didn't have the "heart" and "natural athletic ability" and "access to loads of PEDs". But don't think that you aren't chapping my balls harder than a dry shave with a 2-month old razor.

5 comments:

Tommyboy said...

The only song better than "Ring Around the Rosey" is Dr. Dre's "Keep Their Heads Ringin'". No other song is even close.

Ahem, Anita Ward might have something to say about that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj17nmLA8gY

Get Fresh Designs said...

Dannyboy couldn't get it done when it counted, in the playoffs. So that is why he is inferior and he would give all those stats up for just to have a super bowl win.

Vern said...

I bet that if he switched teams with Joe Montana that he would have more rings than an Oregon hippie.

And yeah, Tommyboy, I forgot all about Anita Ward and I admit her song must be pretty damn splendid.

johnny said...

I'll take Oakland over Ringgold and Pitt over Notre Dame any day of the week. It's not Marino's fault that the Dolphins never bothered to get him a decent running back or receivers who weren't utter dogshit after Mark Clayton and Mark Duper hit their peak in the late 80's.

Rage said...

Ummm....why do you blaspheme against PBR? If PBR weren't the best of ALL beers, would Jesus drink them?

Jesus says NO.

You failed to mention that Montana>Marino simply due to the Marino SKEEZE factor. Total sleaze. Major douche. Write it down