Monday, November 17, 2008

Bristles for bitches


Friday was new toothbrush day. Yep, that's right. Big day, you know? I'm shopping for something to put in my mouth for the next month, so I'd like to get it right.

But every time I pick a toothbrush, I'm disappointed. Why? Well, they have a lot of "soft" bristle toothbrushes, which we all know are for gaping vaginas. And I'm like, no. Fuck that. I want to clean my teeth, not coddle them. And then I see some "medium" bristles. Better, but not good enough. I want "hard" bristles. Or "concrete". Or "will make your gums look like a meth addict's". But no. Nowhere to be found, ever. It's like "regular" and "large" condoms. Fucking retailers...if you have soft, you have to have hard. None of this medium stuff. Ridic.

So listen up, toothbrush manufacturers. Make some hard bristle toothbrushes. Make something that will scrape the fuck out of my teeth instead of making them feel "fresh". This isn't Summer's Eve, people. I want to know that my teeth have been sufficiently brushed because my gums start bleeding like a coke addict's nose. I want them to leave me crying harder than a Zimbabwean woman being fucked by a 12-inch dildo studded with conflict diamonds. MAN UP, TOOTHBRUSH MANUFACTURERS!!!!

1 comment:

AB said...

my teeth bleed with a soft bristle brush.