My T9word is a terrible

I even made you an image, T9word. Don't you feel special? You should.

But I mean special as in special education type special. Because you are retarded. Like, the kind of retarded that can only achieved because your parents fucked you into existence on top of the central reactor core at Chernobyl. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about here.

I'm not a huge texting fan. However, I do have a policy of responding to just about every message I get, which usually leads to nothing but more messages. So this does sufficiently piss me off to the point where I can write about it.

Here's some examples of T9 specialness on my phone:

I attempt to type "miss". My first result is "nips". Fucking nips? I don't think I say nips more than I say nips. Don't nips this, Vinatieri! We're gonna nips you, Paul Ernster. Yeah, I tried to put it on her face but I nipsed and put it right on her miss. Or something.

That one's understandable, I guess.

So, I type this is gay as fuck. But...every time I type a-s for "as", I get "ar". That's not a fucking word! What is the point of this, phone? If I'm typing are you can wait until I hit the e button to write it. Why ease into it at the expense of as? Ohhhh, that's right...you were brutally raped by chromosomes.

God damn it, bitches. Oh, no...I can't write bitches. I can write bitch, sure. But "bitches" comes out as "citages". What is a citage? Do I want one? Why would I want more than one, then? Phone, you should have been riding shotgun with James Dean.

But those are not the most inexplicable. This honor belongs to the contractions "wouldn't" and "couldn't", otherwise known by my phone as "wouldn18" and "couldn29". What the fuck? That is the most nonsensical thing I've ever seen in the world of cell phones. Who is behind this? Wouldn18? That is just retarded. There is no other way to describe it.

I've had this phone for about 4 months. And apparently, it is never going to pick it's game up in the T9word department. Fuck you, phone.