Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Oh my God what offseason!

Jay Cutler CANNOT BELIEVE how active this offseason has been! And neither can AP's Barry Wilner...trades! Signings! Cuts! Oh my God, it's like there hasn't even been an offseason! This stuff never happens EXCEPT FOR EVERY FUCKING YEAR!

Supposedly, pro football has reached its downtime. Considering how the NFL has ignored for nearly five months that this is the offseason, a break sure would be nice right about now.

There is downtime. What has happened recently? Did someone sign a 7th round draft pick? Did Bernard Berrian stretch in minicamp? I can't keep up with all of this action!

Head coaches are on vacation—Philadelphia’s Andy Reid and Minnesota’s Brad Childress went fishing together in Alaska, where they presumably are not discussing how to incorporate dynamic first-round picks Jeremy Maclin(notes) and Percy Harvin(notes) into their offenses. General managers are examining 30-foot putts, not salary cap figures. Roger Goodell is climbing Mount Rainier.

DeMaurice Smith is taking pilates classes in Houston. Dan Rooney is fisting barmaids in Ireland. Bill Parcells is extracting tiger sperm in the Serengeti. Point is, things are quiet on the football front.

Hopefully, with people in the league really reading the calendar and taking vacations, the rumor mill will stop spinning uncontrollably—no more breathless Brett Favre(notes) half-truths or total misrepresentations, please—and everyone can recoup before training camps open in five weeks.

Yes, media...stop reporting on NFL stuff. Seriously, Barry Wilner needs to relax his overwhelmed brain. He has no time for minor things such as whether or not the reigning NFC North champs will be bringing in a journeyman future Hall-of-Famer to take over their QB position.

Besides, we’ve just witnessed the busiest offseason in memory. We could use a hiatus.

I don't have the time (I could make it, I guess) or resources (more important than time) to research this, but I can't see it being that much busier than recent years. But let's see your rationale.

Free agency and the draft are supposed to pique fans’ interest, and they’ve done the job well. Albert Haynesworth(notes) getting the biggest free agent contract in history, $100 million for seven years to take his defensive tackle skills from Tennessee to Washington, created a huge splash.

Biggest contract in history? I guess, going by guaranteed money (which is important). And...you know, these contracts get bigger every year. This would be like saying Sudan's population reached a record high in 2009, beating the record set in 2008! Splashwise, though, I don't think too many people got wet in this one. And trust me, I'd know. Wetness is the number 1 effect associated with me walking into a room.

Then came Kurt Warner(notes), playing the money game to perfection before extracting a two-year, $23 million deal to return to the Cardinals. Brian Dawkins(notes) tearfully leaving Philadelphia for Denver. And, by the way, with $9 million over two years for the 35-year-old safety.

Yes, people followed the Kurt Warner saga with rapt attention. Would he sign with Arizona soon or wait a little bit? Oh my, the suspense! And then the Eagles decided they couldn't afford to pay big money to an old veteran...THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

Potential Hall of Famers Derrick Brooks(notes), Orlando Pace(notes), Torry Holt(notes) and Fred Taylor(notes) were cut by the only teams they had ever suited up for. Pace and Taylor wound up with likely contenders in Chicago and New England, Holt landed in Jacksonville, and Brooks should find a new home this summer.

Happens like, every year. Around this time...you know, in the offseason, when teams aren't playing games and free agency starts and all that stuff.

The impressive list of free agents on the move has included receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh(notes) to Seattle and Laveranues Coles(notes) to Cincinnati. DE Antonio Smith left the NFC champion Cardinals for Houston, and Jason Taylor(notes) wound up back in Miami. Safety Darren Sharper(notes) signed with New Orleans, while linebacker Bart Scott(notes) joined the Jets.

Again, this happens every year. Free agency. Same time. Every year. You could set your calendar to it! Because it happens every March 31 or something.

Trades, which happen in the NFL about as often as the Lions win a game, resurfaced with three doozies, the juiciest of which was the Jay Cutler(notes) saga in Denver.

True, the Jay Cutler saga was rare. But are trades really that rare? I doubt it. Didn't Shockey get traded to the Saints last offseason?

Already distraught over the firing of coach Mike Shanahan, Cutler was incensed when Shanahan’s replacement, Josh McDaniels, brought up the quarterback in trade talks. Things disintegrated from there, with Cutler at one point refusing to return McDaniels’ messages.

Didn't Randy Moss get traded to the Patriots two years ago?

Eventually, the franchise quarterback was dealt to Chicago for a boatload of draft picks and his nominal replacement, Kyle Orton(notes).

Didn't Chad Pennington get traded last offseason?

Another unhappy player—this time over money—tackle Jason Peters(notes) went from Buffalo to Philadelphia, which has restocked so well it might be the NFC favorite.

I think Terrell Owens was traded to the Cowboys after being disgruntled a couple years back.

And Kansas City sent the best tight end of his generation, Tony Gonzalez(notes), to Atlanta just before the draft.

As opposed to a superstar like Brett Favre, who almost certainly wasn't traded to the Jets in the year prior.

Amazingly, not even the T.O. carnival landing in Western New York—Owens signed a one year, $6.5 million contract with the Bills days after being released by Dallas—drew the most attention. Unfortunately, the stories involving guys who might not even play this season seemed to have the most juice. And drew the loudest and lengthiest analyses.

This happens with T.O. every fucking year. Are you retarded? I swear, if you are...I'm sorry for making fun of you and I'll stop.

Whither Favre, for instance? Or perhaps more pertinently, when will he land in Minnesota?

Yeah, the whole Favre thing is fresh and unique to this particular "offseason". I put "offseason" in quotes because things are happening and it's like we haven't even had one!

According to a variety of stories throughout the spring, some of them actually contradicting each other as they were being reported by one particular national sports outlet, Vikings executives/doctors/trainers visited Favre in Mississippi. Or they didn’t make the trip.


Favre contemplated surgery, then dropped the idea, then had surgery. The quarterback was given a deadline by the Vikings. Or he wasn’t. He was given a training program by the team. Or not.

Wow. This is so exciting. Favre might have a training program! Holy hell, can we get an offseason for Christ's sake!

Maybe the aging passer will come back again. At least Goodell doesn’t need to make any decisions about suspensions or fines in Favre’s lingering soap opera.

Goodell the Wise, able to discern between a guy who can't make up his mind and a guy who kills a construction worker. Look how busy this offseason's been! PLAYERS ARE KILLING GUYS!!!

The commissioner isn’t so fortunate when it comes to Michael Vick(notes), Donte’ Stallworth(notes) and Plaxico Burress(notes). Their stories, punctuated by litigation, investigation and plea-bargaining, have kept the seamier side of athletics in the spotlight.

Michael Vick killed dogs many offseasons ago. He's just getting out of prison for it now. Burress shot himself in-season. Really, the exciting part of these situations happened before this offseason.

Vick, under home confinement until July 20 after serving his federal prison sentence for running a dogfighting ring, presents the diciest dilemma for Goodell. Has the former Falcons quarterback, who was released by the team earlier this month, served enough time in the eyes of the NFL? Or will Goodell, in accordance with his powers under the league’s player conduct policy, suspend Vick?

My guess is yes, even though Vick has essentially already been suspended for two years by the law. Does anybody really care, though? We might miss out on watching Vick back up Matt Schaub!

Goodell already has suspended Stallworth indefinitely after the Browns receiver pleaded guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge.

I can't decide what gets my adrenaline pumping more, the fact that Goodell suspended Dante Stallworth, or the fact that Dante Stallworth killed a guy. I've certainly caught offseason fever!

Burress’ case has been adjourned until Sept. 23; he shot himself in the thigh last November in a Manhattan nightclub and was charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Goodell could opt to suspend Burress, too, under player conduct guidelines, even though his case has not been adjudicated.

I cannot believe that NFL players are just starting to break the law. Jeez, with the way this offseason is going, you'd think that Carolina Panthers players used to order hits on their pregnant girlfriends!

Got all that?

NO! My brain can't handle all 8 of the mostly typical things you've listed!

Did we mention the NFL Players Association hiring DeMaurice Smith, an energetic, high-powered attorney and football lover, to run the union and take on the owners in collective bargaining?

No you didn't! There's a lawyer heading the NFL Player's Union? UNREAL!

You'd have to look at the subatomic level to detect any semblance of my caring.

Or Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett diving in with the Dolphins? Or New Orleans being awarded the 2013 Super Bowl? Or NFL clubs teaming up with state lotteries for promotional purposes? Or John Madden’s retirement from broadcasting? Or …

Oh God. New Orleans got the 2013 Super Bowl? Does something like this happen every year? Would you rather they announce it at halftime of a Browns-Chargers game? How is that exciting? Did people jack themselves off in an emotional furor last January when Khartoum, Sudan was awarded the 2060 Desert Camelfucking World Championships?

Would it be more exciting if Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett were the ones doing the desert camelfucking?

What a good time to catch our breath.

Your parents are lesbians.


igotaname said...

how much is a ticket to sudan? it's for a friend.

Symo said...

But where are the camelfucking championships THIS year? I've been practicing with my Rosie O'Donnell doll...