Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sports v. Real Life




Above is Clint Benedict. He'll come into play shortly.


So, on the Tuesday (6/30) jeopisode of Jeopardy, there was a question about hockey entitled "The Puck Stops Here". And, you know, it's Jeopardy, so the questions have to be a bit difficult, right? At least something like "this Quebecois Queocksucker scored a fuckton of goals and was nicknamed 'Rocket'". Not the hardest question for a hockey follower, but something of moderate difficulty that wouldn't be answerable to any children's book author from Massachusetts or anything.

But noooooo, they ask dickbag questions like, 'the Montreal Canadiens play hockey in this syrup-covered country', and 'hockey is played on frozen water, also known as this'. F that. That's gay. So here are the questions, from a site called J-Archive, which is also the name I have given to the list of phone numbers that I call when I want some chick to come over and casually blow me:




After stopping a puck with his face in 1930, Clint Benedict became the first NHL goalie to wear one of these.

Hmmm...I have no fucking clue!!!! What the hell would an NHL goalie wear on his face after getting hit with a puck? Is there something that I don't know about Clint Benedict? Did he wear mascara? Or shave his eyebrows or something? What is the question, Trebek???

"What is a mask", says children's book author Tui Sutherland. I would have gone with "What the fuck?", but that's just me.



$400, Alex!



Goalies have only done this 11 times in NHL history.

You know what? I'm ok with this one. It's difficult enough to be a $400 question on Jeopardy, a game in which categories about Britain ask you who the fucking king was in the year 849 and categories about baseball ask if players typically wear gloves or not.

"Score a goal!" Good job, Nina.


$600!



When a goalie stops a shot on goal, he gets credit for one of these, like a relief pitcher in baseball.

Oh my God. Seriously? You are offering $600 to anyone with sufficient hockey knowledge to answer this question? That would be like picking a category about composers, getting a Daily Double, wagering half of your winnings, and getting "This composer, who wrote the 'Paris Symphony', had a name that rhymed with Bolfgang Pozart"'. If you were into classical music, you'd probably immediately leave the studio, fly to Barrow, Alaska, and start killing eskimos. Just brutally and systematically murdering every eskimo you saw with no respect at all for their heritage. Because you would be appalled that they would actually deign to ask you such a ridiculously simple question.

Anyway, Tyrone agrees with me and buzzes in to put this to rest.

"What is a strike?"

Holy fuck, Tyrone. What is a horse-fucking moron, maybe? I don't care if you don't watch hockey...who would see a goalie make a save and say "WHOA! That was a sick strike! Best strike I've ever seen!" Because I'd punch you in your head.

Nina, ask us what a save is.

Thank you.



$800, Alex! Let me guess...what is a fucking hockey stick?

A goalie's stick is composed of 3 parts: the shaft, the paddle & this ice-scraping bottom piece also found on a skate.


Oh....hmmmmm....the bottom of a fucking ice skate? What's on that? Is it the shaft, the paddle and the shoelace? Can we just call it the metal ice thingy? God damn it. Tyrone, redeem yourself.

"What is the pick?"

Oh jeez. Tyrone, you live in Maryland. Have you never seen ice? Have you been watching too much Oz? No one skates around on an ice pick. They kill people with them. And unless you are Clint Malarchuk, I don't see how you can confuse the too.

IT'S A BLADE. Thanks, Nina. Although I feel like you are just stealing money at this point.



I've given up. Close out the category.

It's the area a goalie patrols in front of the net, or a feature of freshly pressed pants.

Sweet! Missing the cut were "a player who commits a foul must sit in the penalty this, or a slang term for a vagina" and "both faceoffs and bukkake sessions are associated with this shape". I think they chose the worst of the bunch, personally. I guess, similarly to $400, it's ok for a Jeopardy sports question although it's pushing it...but for $1000? Jeez. For that kind of coin, you should ask which Ottawa Senator pushing for his release one year into a long-term deal killed a teammate a few years back or something.

And again, Nina steals this money, as she loves her pants with a fresh crease.


But my question is this...are these questions really that easy? Or do I just follow sports so hard that I am just unaware to the fact that knowing that baseball bats are made out of wood is pretty much the real-world equivalent of knowing that the Siege of Ochakov occured in what is now Ukraine in 1789? I think it may be a little bit of both in some cases, but come on, now...here's the $1,000 answer from "Things That Are Blue" or something like that:


Though, as you see, it comes in other colors, the terrier seen here has this cerulean name.

The correct response is "what is a Kerry Blue Terrier?"...to which I reply, what the fuck is a Kerry Blue Terrier? I have never heard of this dog in my entire life and I am still not convinced that they exist. Surely, more people have heard of the crease, right?

Fucking Jeopardy.

2 comments:

Lori said...

My jeopardy questions for you:

"The one thing that Marian Hossa can't seem to obtain"

"Pierre McGuirne looks like this specific part of the male anatomy."

"This Pittsburgh journalist is kind of like a whale with a goatee."

P.S. by the time you asked the classical music question I had, in fact, killed all the eskimos.

Vern said...

I actually think the answer to all of the above is "what is my penis?".

Weird.