Friday, July 24, 2009

The meeting

Ok,'s the day, Roger. Big meeting. Gotta do something strong here. Assert yourself. Solidify your position. Judge, jury and motherfucking executioner. Oh, damn...gotta hide this erection, too.

Mr. Goodell...Michael Vick is here to see you.

Damn it, damn it...fine, fine. Ok. Send him up.

Hello, Mr. Goodell. I brought a dog with me to show how much I love them. I'm a changed man. I'm like an ugly dog killing caterpillar that metamorphicasized into a beautiful, dog-loving butterfly. I'm contrite as fuck right now.

Michael, not only is metamorphicasized not a word...caterpillars can't kill dogs. I don't think. I mean, I only went to W&J, but I did graduate.

It's just a saying, sir. I've never been a caterpillar, nor am I a butterfly. I'm just a man who really loves dogs.

I'm aware, just trying to make conversation.

(Fights back weird urge, face gets red)

That is a nice dog, sir.

Thank you. You really like the Wall Street Journal.

It's a good read.

I bet it is. Too bad you can't buy stock in interstate gambling rings, eh?

(awkward forced laughter)

(laughs awkwardly as well)

Ha. Yeah. Well, listen Mike, you know why we are here. I've thought about this long and hard, just like I do in all disciplinary cases brought forth to me. In fact, I thought about this one twice as long. AT LEAST 20 minutes. And...well, I've decided to....(fights weird urge again, face gets redder)

You've decided to what, something wrong?

No, no...I'm fine. I'm fine.

(takes deep breath)

Mr. Vick, I've decided to suspend...oh God...I've decided to sus...fuck....

(turns bright red, gets bitter look on face)

Mr. Commish...are you alright? How long am I suspended? Are you gonna make it?

I've decided to suspend you for...oh my God oh my God oh my Goddddd....I've decided to suspend you...for....the first 4 games of the upcoming season...

OHHHHHH! Oh man! OHHHH! Wow! Oh jeezzzz....oh my God...whoa....ahhhhh.

(exhales and slumps in chair)

Sir...did you just jizz in your pants?

Fuck yeah, I jizzed. Holy hell, that was a good one. I need to call Jane.

Yes, sir?

Jane, I'm gonna need some new pants. I just suspended Vick for 4 games.

Even after he'd been imprisoned for two years?

Hell yeah. I couldn't help myself, I jizzed all over the place.

Oh my, Sheriff Goodell...I think I'm getting a bit...FUCK ME NOW, ROGER.

You know I love it when you call me Sheriff. Come to my office.

Is this a fucking joke?

We're done, Vick. 4 games. You tell anybody about this and I'll fucking suspend you for life. Oh God...I'm fucking hard again.

(shoots off fake guns)

Pow, pow! Sheriff Goodell is back, baby! WOOO! Now get the fuck out of here, Vick!

(Opens door naked)

You can put it wherever you want, Rog!

Now you're speaking my language.

(Starts fucking secretary on desk)

This is ridiculous. Whatever.

(leaves Goodell's office)

Thanks a lot, dog. I still got four games. Imma fuck you up when we get home.

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