Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Crushing the horseperson dream




The man above is Kansas senator and all-around crazyperson Sam Brownback, who hates abortion with the passion of a hundred ethnic cleansings. Sam Brownback hates abortion so much that he wouldn't even want to abort a gay fetus. Because gay fetuses, although gay, are people, too.

Well, Brownback's latest target are human-animal hybrids, such as mermaids, horsepeople, and birdafricans. And he has a surprise partner in crime...Louisiana democrat Mary Landrieu, who was probably elected solely on the fact that she has a French sounding Cajun name.

Let's get to work.




WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator Sam Brownback today with Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA) introduced the Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act of 2009.

Yeah, I already covered that, but thanks.






“This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life,” said Brownback. “Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.”

You know, I get that there are some weird movements (warning: watch yourself on that crazy website) to actually seriously create horsepeople and cowmexicans, but how prominent is this movement? And why do we need to pat ourselves on the back for passing this bill? Was it really hard to convince Congress that "you know, a vote against the Brownback-Landrieu Horsepeople Bill is a vote FOR daughter-raping businesstigers"? What's next? Is Barney Frank going to introduce a bill prohibiting using racial slurs as names for national grocery chains? Maybe David Vitter will introduce legislation curtailing the growing jizz-flinging epidemic. Oh, wait...Oregon already did that.






The Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act would ban the creation of human-animal hybrids. Human-animal hybrids are defined as those part-human, part-animal creatures, which are created in laboratories, and blur the line between species.

Right, horse-people. Lion-grandmas. Grasshopper-fetuses. All handcrafted from stem-cells that were blatantly tortured right in front of God.






The bill is modest in scope and only affects efforts to blur the genetic lines between animals and humans. It does not preclude the use of animals or humans in legitimate research or health care where genetic material is not passed on to future generations, such as the use of a porcine heart valve in a human patient or the use of a lab rat with human diseases to develop treatments.

Or the use of a horse-hoof on a footless person, or a donkey cock on an Asian man. Those uses are still ok.





Brownback continued, “This legislation is both philosophical and practical as it has a direct bearing upon the very essence of what it means to be human, and it draws a bright line with respect to how far we can go in attempting to create new creatures made with genes from both humans and animals.

It's also as retarded as the day is long. Brownback left that part out of the official press release.

Seriously, people? Do we need legislation for this? Not that I really care, but...seriously?






“My background is in agriculture, and for a number of years we have been working with crops and animals to produce a superior soy bean, a superior cow, and so-on. We can genetically engineer safe products and herds that are disease resistant or that possess more desirable attributes. But doing this in plants and livestock is very different than doing this in humans.


"For years I have been using animal genes to grow horsebeans. But I absolutely draw the line at growing people from these beans".






“The issue is that when you make changes in the germ-line, such changes are passed along to one’s offspring. You could make a change now that could be passed along through the gene-pool for the rest of humanity. We do not know what the full effect of this could be, and it could be disastrous.

Yes, because, I mean, you could make people part-peregrine falcon. I don't think that too many people out there think that would be a good idea.






“Tampering with the human germ-line could be the equivalent to setting a time-bomb that might detonate many generations down the line; but once it is set, there is no reversing course.

As opposed to regular time-bombs, in which case after they explode, you can usually just kind of undo it and take it back.

Did he just fucking say "time-bomb"? Who sponsored this bill, Inspector Gadget?







“I am optimistic that our nation we will make a sound choice for the generations to come. Already, in Louisiana last month, Governor Jindal signed legislation into law that would prohibit the creation of human-animal hybrids. That law is modeled after earlier versions of the legislation that we introduce today.”

SO YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!!!! You just copied Bobby Jindal's horseperson bill.

The only thing I hate more than epically retarded legislation is LAZY epically retarded legislation.

Mainly, I'm kind of pissed that I lost any opportunity to have a future horsecock transplant.



Finally, here is a list of retards:


The following senators are orginal co-sponsors: Senators Sam Brownback (R-KS), Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Jim Bunning (R-KY), Richard Burr (R-NC), Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Tom Coburn (R-OK), Bob Corker (R-TN), John Cornyn (R-TX), Jim DeMint (R-SC), John Ensign (R-NV), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), James Inhofe (R-OK), Mike Johanns (R-NE), Jon Kyl (R-AZ), Mel Martinez (R-FL), John McCain (R-AZ), James Risch (R-ID), John Thune (R-SD), David Vitter (R-LA), George Voinovich (R-OH), and Roger Wicker (R-MS).


So what did Mary Landrieu really do other than be a Democrat? As a subject of Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, did she just kind of sneak into the state offices and steal the existing bill? Or was mentioning her in the header just the latest in a stupidly transparent attempt to think that our worthless elected officials are working together in a bi-partisan effort to make lasting, effective legislation? I'm going with the latter.

When we are at a point where a Democrat signing onto a Republican's bill that bans human fucking animal hybrids is considered an important bi-partisan effort, then we have much bigger problems than a few goose-people flying around.

2 comments:

Symo said...

/facepalm

Unreal. I can't believe we pay these assholes a salary.

Oh, and don't fret Vern, this does NOT prevent you from transplanting your horsecock... you just can't create a hybrid you/horse. Just sayin'....

Vern said...

YES! The will to live is back!