Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Gyms




Ok, so the Meathead Challenge has not been going so well as I am struggling to even get up to 275 consistently in the ol' bench press department, let alone coming close to 315. Soooo, f that. I'll still be hitting the gym on the reg, but the challenge is over because I'm going to do a cycle of the juice. Yep. The roids. Just for the hell of it. Should be fun!

Anyway, the LA Fitness seems to contain a large amount of a breed of people that you don't usually see in such large packs in real life...it's almost like a zoo of sorts. But even in the zoo, some of the animals do not abandon their natural instincts.

Like the dudes who do their workouts with their hair fully gelled and slicked back, like Gordon fucking Gekko or something. Yo, dude, could you spot me? And then maybe take a quick look at my stock portfolio? What the hell is wrong with these people? I just can't see how a regular person can decide, you know, it's time to go do some lat pull-downs. Shirt? Check. Sweet tank, dude! Sweatpants? Fuck yeah! Oh...gotta slick back the hair! Lookin' good, Vito! NOW LET'S GET ON THAT ROW MACHINE!

I also saw a chick working it out with a 20 ounce bottle of Coke. The liquid version, that is. Just felt the need to qualify that after the previous description. Now, if I did that, I would be sick as hell and feeling like the I had the bends after being pulled up out of 10,000 feet of water or something. But somehow this lady just kept doing leg curls between sips of fucking Coke. I really, really hope for her sake that she's diabetic. Well, I mean, I don't actually hope that she's diabetic, but...you know what I mean. Fucker.

Another thing I can't stand are the people who lift in freaking metal clasp watches. Take your watch off, dickhead! You aren't at work. A $400 Citizen watch does not go well with a Nike Dri-Fit cut off t-shirt. It just doesn't. It would be like wearing a Scottish kilt with mandals. Such a faux pas. Is it douche-thirty yet?

And some of these girls in here are definitely part of the all-you-can-rape buffet. I really just want to dress up like RuPaul and sit around in the women's locker room for an hour or two. But some of these bitches need to fucking eat NOW. If I run into one of them at a bar, I'm not going to buy them a drink. I'm going to buy them a sandwich. Hey bartender...how about a BLT for the young lady over there? She'd probably eat it will immediately doing a set of lunges. I'm afraid that if I spike one of these girls' drinks and bring her back home that I might break her. And then I'd feel too bad about it to deny anything when she came to.

I'm also intrigued by the attire of some of these ladies. Most of the dudes just wear normal shirts and shorts/pant to workout. But no, not these women. Some fuckbortion of black and neon, inevitably. And straps and holes and fucking clasps and what the hell is wrong with you bitches? Is there an American Gladiators store near by? Should I just call you Electra?

Most of the ladies there seem to be easily offended. No, random woman, I was not serious when I said after doing some sets on an ab machine that "this is what an abortion must feel like". Maybe if you'd stop getting pregnant you'd be able to take jokes better. Me and the easily offended do not coexist well.

There is, however, one dude who seriously rapes the decency of gym attire right in it's unwilling mouth. This little Spanish dude is always wearing the SAME FUCKING short-ass shorts that barely go to the top of his legs. SAME PAIR! And he's there like, every freaking day. Pretty much the same shirt, too. Maybe he rotates between two or three. Regardless, I want to buy him some shorts. Does he do laundry every day after he gets home? Or does he just not care about wearing what must be by now the dirtiest clothes in the entire state of South Florida (yes, it is its own state)? There are a few who wear similar attire, but none anywhere near this frequently. God, dude...you are the Meat Gayzer.

So f all of that, I'm starting my cycle and forming MUSCLE CLUB. All members must wear their MUSCLE CLUB AHHHHHH! shirts to the gym on ALL OCCASIONS! No exceptions will be made. Repeat violations will result in your dismissal from Muscle Club.

You have been warned.

8 comments:

NB said...

I'll meathead challenge you after you get off your cycle of roids

Vern said...

I don't know, I'm going to be pretty intense.

NB said...

as long as you don't post-roid rage me, I can handle it

Get Fresh Designs said...

had a friend do a cycle once. he got huge quick.

he had to have a ton of protein intake, said he was eating like a dozen hard boiled eggs a day.

Got your Milk Thistle? and your anti-bitch tits pills?

Rage said...

Dude, kiss your hair g'bye. 'Roids will give you male pattern baldness. That's what happened to me. You ain't gotta worry about bitch-tit unless you take waaaaaay too much shit. Clomid is easy to get and masks for any urinalysis and/or prevents tits. Be careful if you're serious. I'd be willing to bet you end up buying very expensive "blanks" though. Why? 'Cuz you're Vern, that's why.

Petey said...

How is the roid challenge going? Are you getting huge?

Vern said...

Haven't started yet. Soon. Like two weeks from right now.

I think my hair will be fine. And this is legit stuff. I've got all the post-cycle stuff, too.

Vern said...

It's also pretty cheap.