The Lord shalt deliver us to playoffs

 

Yo Ray-Ray, thanks for sittin' down with a playa to talk about Week 17's slate of supercalifragilisticespiala-DOCIOUS games. What is your mindset going into this final week. You ballin'?

 

At times during segments partaking in our lives, OUR VERY LIVES...we as human beings, created by the Lord, IN HIS IMAGE, and not, I REPEAT NOT, using Photoshop, we must from which it springs forth move toward the very goal presented to us BY GOD. By which it hath sprung from. And I, as a child of God, will do JUST THAT, as I embark on my quest towards the playoffs. This quest is a quest from which what forth I hath must travel. Have gun, or knife, will travel. Simple. As God's Linebacker, I must cover sideline-to-sideline for the Lord.

And cover sideline-to-sideline you do, Ray. BOOYAH! What do you say to critics accusing you of using overzealous religious imagery to cover up for that 2001 murder charge? It's murdaaaaaa!

Those that cast stones and throw bones know not that the overtones of my speech FROM WHICH WHENCEFORTH CAME directly from the Lord. DIRECTLY. The Microsoft word of the Lord is Fedex-ed directly to Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis then speaks the word of the Lord for the Lord in place...IN PLACE OF THE LORD. Indeed...THE LORD DONE HATH GIVEN RAY LEWIS POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Damn strizzaight out the gate, dog! So I'm taking it that you like your team's chances against the Raiders to lock up a playoff spot?

Ray Lewis is blessed and thus blessed also be thy team that he playeth for. But mainly, RAY RAY PLAY FOR THE LORD. AND HE COVER SIDELINE-TO-SIDELINE FOR THE LORD. And thushencely, Ray Lewis' team plays for the Lord, and stands, one team, undivided, not dividible, under the Lord. And Ray Lewis stayed on this team due to his love for this team and the blessings bestowed upon this team by God, NOT, thuswhichrepeat NOT because the Cowboys did not give him enough money.

You all about the clout, Ray-Ray. I see you are glad you decided to stay in BMORE BAM BAM POW CHICKA GHOSTRIIIIIIDE THE WHIP PLAYA, up in the hizzy.

Stu, I am in the hizzy. THE HIZZY...OF THE LORD. The Lord's Hizzy. And thusmust I shalt get busy. The Lord God thoutsuchwhence shalt deliver us to playoffs. And in playoffs, we should drink the blood of our enemies, for we are in Holy War, WE ARE IN JIHAD. We are in playoff Jihad. And after such violence and atrocities donehath been committed, we must pray. This...THIS...this is why we pray. For we art all brothers. Brothers under our Father, the Lord God Himself.

BOOMCITY! Thanks for spittin' some knowledge at a playa, Ray.

 It hath been my pleasure. And the pleasure...OF THE LORD. THE LORD GOD. And thus we pray.

Amen.

Don Banks has chills

From his recent CNNSI.com column previewing the upcoming NFL draft (which will be all that the weekend will have going after the fabulous Pens finish off the Flyers tonight):

• Here's a potential meaningful coincidence that could really come to fruition by Saturday night: In 1996, the first-year Baltimore Ravens selected University of Miami middle linebacker Ray Lewis at No. 26 in the first round. This year, the Ravens might find themselves in position to select the eventual heir to Lewis' throne, and it very well could be ... another inside linebacker, from a warm-weather school, at No. 26, who at least phonetically answers by the same first name: USC's Rey Maualuga.

I don't know about you, but I've got chills.

I don't know about you, but I don't get chills over something so obviously gay that Bill Clinton wouldn't even allow it in the military. Wow, both from warm weather schools! Both named some form of Ray! Both darker than me! BOTH US CITIZENS!!!!

So they might draft another warm-weather linebacker named Rey. Who the fuck cares? Did you have chills when the Steelers drafting a QB named Benjamin Roethlisberger from a state that just happens to play host to the NFL HALL OF FAME!!!!! Or, how about this, guess what the Jets can do this year? They can draft another gunslinger this year named Matt Stafford, a guy who, just like Brett Favre, PLAYED AT A COLLEGE IN GEORGIA! And...get this...they both wear jeans! Holy hell, I have chills. Just chills? God damn it, my cock is hard right now. And it tingles. It feels like someone dumped a bucket full of sunshine all over my balls. And I'm telling you guys...if you don't feel the same way, you are missing out on one incredible feeling.

Really, Don Banks...don't try so hard to sell your point. It makes people think you like to deepthroat Quinzo's torpedoes. Miami and USC are warm-weather schools...but that's it. They are like, 3,000 miles apart. It's hard to get further apart in this country than Miami and USC.

But hey, don't let me tell you how to live your life. Chill away, dickbag. OMG, they might both be drafted at the same spot! The 26th pick only happens IN EVERY FUCKING DRAFT EVER, COCKSNIPER!!! This isn't a leap-draft.

Why do things so trivial make me take such umbrage? I guess I need to lay off the meth.

Pile Inspector

Wow, Jerry Jones. Really? Ray Lewis is going to fix your team? For $25 mil over 3 years? Are you that jealous of Dan Snyder's free agents?

As the first comment in the article suggests, Zach Thomas was already supposed to do this. That didn't work. Now it's Ray-Ray's turn to pray away the chemistry issues, I guess. Good luck.

The major implication for Steeler fans comes after Ray leaves Baltimore. Do I still hate them as much? I think so, but I'm not quite sure. Much of the hate that I have accumulated for the Ravens is a direct result of them paying Ray Lewis to work for them. If he retires a Raven it may be different than if he leaves to take Jerry Jones' ridiculous contract, and I wouldn't blame him if he did. That's an assload of money for a 33-year old murderer linebacker and he should take advantage of Jones' senility while the offer is still on the table.

I'd love to see the pile inspector work his magic in the Cowboys locker room. Maybe I'll see what Dan Telvock thinks....after all, he is one of the lead bloggers for all things Dallas Cowboys.

Disrespecting the Ravens

Last week I discussed the extreme ball-chappiness resultant from a meaningless playing of the disrespect card. And today, after the "can't beat a team three times in one season" card was played, I am feeling exceptionally chapped in the balls. So, to help alleviate this painful condition, I am going to disrespect the fuck out of the Ravens and that Grand Theft Auto game of a city they play in.

So suck it, Baltimore. Suck it long and hard and try not to give me any herpes even though it is your chief export. When I saw M&T Bank Stadium full before the December football game that the two teams played I could have sworn that someone was filming the world's largest Valtrex commercial. Sure, the Steelers had to make things for their offensive line simpler last week, but at least they didn't need to worry about Simplex. But I'm fresh out of STD humor. Let's get down to disrespecting the Ravens.



Hey, it's Joe Flacco! When Cascada wrote "Everytime We Touch", she was thinking about your eyebrows. Really, you should be married to Philip Rivers' wife. And you are a superstar now that you've carried your team through the playoffs, hitting a smoking 20 of 45 attempts? I congratulate you on not throwing any interceptions in the postseason. If it weren't for a complete self-destruction by the Titans, you would have valiantly carried your team to a somewhat respectable loss. But at least you are ugly enough to serve as a decoy while Ray Lewis runs around murdering people outside of his limosine.



Terrell Suggs, continuing the Raven tradition of being the ugliest players in the NFL. Makes sense why they would all dance so much to feel pretty. Suggs mentioned this year that the Ravens had a bounty on Hines Ward and backed it up by completely disappearing when they played the game. Made the Pro Bowl this year by openly campaigning for it in interviews. Considers Ray Lewis a mentor. A lot to not like here. Only had 8 sacks this year, but he said it was because he was becoming a more complete player. So of course he had 68 huge tackles to go along with them. You are so complete, Suggs. Maybe Ray has been teaching him how to get completely wiped out of a play by a single blocker.



Bart Scott! You role player. Think you are such a superstar, though...it's that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed in you. At least Ed Reed is a superstar. You are like the DJ Clue of linebackers, always talking yet never actually doing the substantial work. You have one big hit and you think you are a star. Youtube has videos of both Hines Ward and Jamal Lewis blowing Bart Scott the fuck up. The Ravens bounty is really paying dividends!


And you, Ray-Ray. God's Linebacker. The jester of this defense. Jumping on more piles than a San Francisco orgy. Murdering people. Getting away with it. Turning to Jesus. Apparently hearing Jesus say, "it's ok my Son, for I will forgive you for killing two people if you go out there and dance and show your jazz hands and run around and tackle people". And Ray jumped on piles, and his sin's were forgiven. What a cross to bear, being the official linebacker of God. A lot of pressure. But Ray-Ray can handle it. When you hear him speak, even though you can't understand a fucking thing that he is saying...you just know that the man has a passion for whatever the hell it is that he actually does. You were Krieder's bitch and Bettis' bitch. OLD BETTIS! Old Bettis made you his bitch. You should have retired right there, but I guess it was against the terms of your probation. Ray Lewis is like a birth control pill...put one on him and he's blocked 99% of the time. But keep yelling, Ray. You'll get your chance to run across the sidelines and stop a runner dead in his tracks 8 yards down field.


So fuck all of the Ravens. I am disrespecting the entire team. Fuck John Harbaugh, who is retarded enough that he is on record as saying he wouldn't take any other QB in the league over Joe Flacco. Fuck Ed Reed. Fuck Derrick Mason. Fuck all of them.

Go Steelers.

Rev. Ray

OMG, I feel that familiar tingling in my change bones again! What could be going on now?


Oh, hey hippie.


OMG it's you! IT'S YOU!!! I CAN'T BEGIN TO...wait? Who the fuck is that bitch?


Hey, Barack. Hey, hippie.


Hey, Sarah.



*melts into a puddle of rainbows*


Well that's a shame.


Don't worry about it. Ready to go into this new church? I've heard some pretty good things about it.


Yeah, I'm excited to get into a normal church so that darn media has nothing to talk about, ya know?

Oh, I know, Sarah. I know. Oh, looks like mass is about to start. We had better get a seat. After you.


Oh, you're such a gentleman, Barry!


This preacher looks a bit odd to me.



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU FIRED UP! I'M FIRED UP! WOOOOOO! EVERYBODY PLEASE RISE AND DO YOUR DANCE!

WOOOOOO!


Now this is weird.


Wooooooooooooooo! Welcome all y'all, thanks for coming. God's LB 'bout to break the Lord down all over that ass. God's LB 'bout to tell y'all 'bout temptation and lead y'all asses from evil. Because Christ not only plays through me, he preach through me. I'm that mouthpiece, but my vision stays part of my eyes which are firmly attached to my face and my body which stands on the ground THAT HE CREATED in spikes that WERE MADE IN ASIA, but, really, the Lord created Asia, so the Lord done created...he done created these spikes. Can I get an Amen?


What did he just say?


Now we must allow ourselves to accept the Lord with arms wide open, the Lord's arms, which he placed upon us, the Lord, created our arms, and thus my arms, as, even though I can cover sideline to sideline and you can barely keep a job at Giant Eagle, I cover sideline to sideline for the Lord, and you work at Giant Eagle for the Lord, so thus, we are coworkers, coworkers for the Lord, and I accept this burden, and I play with this burden on my back, I shoulder it, but with my back, so I guess I back it, because my back...my back, which is part of me, is not my shoulders, although my shoulders is also part of me, and I realized this...I realized this with my mind. Can I get another amen and a dance! WOOOOOOO!


I have no idea what the fuck he just said.

WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR ALL FOR THE LORD, EVERY GAME? EVERY PLAY???


I would give my all for the Lord.


Sarah's absolutely right. I would give my all for the Lord as well.


WOULD YOU GIVE ALL DUE GLORY TO THE LORD AFTER A TACKLE OR SIMILAR BIG PLAY???


Uhhh...I guess? Like after setting a record for most "present" votes?


Or bankrupting my town? Sure, I absolutely would!


WOULD YOU STOP THE RUN FOR THE LORD???


....


?


I SAID, WOULD YOU STAB A MAN FOR JESUS????


Oh my God.


I guess we're fucked again.


WOULD YOU STAB A MAN TO SHOW THAT YOU LOVED THE LORD???? GOD'S LB BABY, I DO WHAT I DO FOR CHRIST!!!


*leaves*


*leaves*

Well, Barry, I guess we'll just have to go back to our old churches.


WILL YOU GO SIDELINE TO SIDELINE STABBING PEOPLE FOR THE LORD??? THE LORD WILL LEAD YOU TO SAFETY FROM PROSECUTION!!!! AMEN!!!!


At least Reverend Wright hasn't lost a step.