Rev. Ray

OMG, I feel that familiar tingling in my change bones again! What could be going on now?


Oh, hey hippie.


OMG it's you! IT'S YOU!!! I CAN'T BEGIN TO...wait? Who the fuck is that bitch?


Hey, Barack. Hey, hippie.


Hey, Sarah.



*melts into a puddle of rainbows*


Well that's a shame.


Don't worry about it. Ready to go into this new church? I've heard some pretty good things about it.


Yeah, I'm excited to get into a normal church so that darn media has nothing to talk about, ya know?

Oh, I know, Sarah. I know. Oh, looks like mass is about to start. We had better get a seat. After you.


Oh, you're such a gentleman, Barry!


This preacher looks a bit odd to me.



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU FIRED UP! I'M FIRED UP! WOOOOOO! EVERYBODY PLEASE RISE AND DO YOUR DANCE!

WOOOOOO!


Now this is weird.


Wooooooooooooooo! Welcome all y'all, thanks for coming. God's LB 'bout to break the Lord down all over that ass. God's LB 'bout to tell y'all 'bout temptation and lead y'all asses from evil. Because Christ not only plays through me, he preach through me. I'm that mouthpiece, but my vision stays part of my eyes which are firmly attached to my face and my body which stands on the ground THAT HE CREATED in spikes that WERE MADE IN ASIA, but, really, the Lord created Asia, so the Lord done created...he done created these spikes. Can I get an Amen?


What did he just say?


Now we must allow ourselves to accept the Lord with arms wide open, the Lord's arms, which he placed upon us, the Lord, created our arms, and thus my arms, as, even though I can cover sideline to sideline and you can barely keep a job at Giant Eagle, I cover sideline to sideline for the Lord, and you work at Giant Eagle for the Lord, so thus, we are coworkers, coworkers for the Lord, and I accept this burden, and I play with this burden on my back, I shoulder it, but with my back, so I guess I back it, because my back...my back, which is part of me, is not my shoulders, although my shoulders is also part of me, and I realized this...I realized this with my mind. Can I get another amen and a dance! WOOOOOOO!


I have no idea what the fuck he just said.

WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR ALL FOR THE LORD, EVERY GAME? EVERY PLAY???


I would give my all for the Lord.


Sarah's absolutely right. I would give my all for the Lord as well.


WOULD YOU GIVE ALL DUE GLORY TO THE LORD AFTER A TACKLE OR SIMILAR BIG PLAY???


Uhhh...I guess? Like after setting a record for most "present" votes?


Or bankrupting my town? Sure, I absolutely would!


WOULD YOU STOP THE RUN FOR THE LORD???


....


?


I SAID, WOULD YOU STAB A MAN FOR JESUS????


Oh my God.


I guess we're fucked again.


WOULD YOU STAB A MAN TO SHOW THAT YOU LOVED THE LORD???? GOD'S LB BABY, I DO WHAT I DO FOR CHRIST!!!


*leaves*


*leaves*

Well, Barry, I guess we'll just have to go back to our old churches.


WILL YOU GO SIDELINE TO SIDELINE STABBING PEOPLE FOR THE LORD??? THE LORD WILL LEAD YOU TO SAFETY FROM PROSECUTION!!!! AMEN!!!!


At least Reverend Wright hasn't lost a step.

Greetings, white devils.

And I am being kind in the use of that nomenclature. Did you hear that? Nomenclature. Does that sounds threatening coming from a black man? Did white America even realize that a black man is capable of the utilization of words containing more than two syllables? Would you feel more comfortable if I was talking to you from the home that you give to thousands of young black men every day?



There, I imagine that is better. Behind these bars, the white folks are safe from me preaching the truth about America. The cold, hard, big black truth that you all fear. The truth that makes your ears bleed, your eyes sting, and your pubes fall out unnaturally. I know...I KNOW...that the white man created AIDS. I KNOW...that the white man causes hurricanes. AND I KNOW...I KNOW!!!!...that the white man shot Old Yeller. I SAW IT IN THE MOVIE!!!!

Young black men!


Yes?


YOU MUST HEED MY CALL! You young black men are the future of blackness in this country. YOU MUST BREAK THE FIGURATIVE CHAINS OF OPPRESSION! You must demand change from the white devils. You must demand accountability from the white man. You must demand that the dealer at Hyundai not assume that you are looking for an Elantra when you so clearly have good enough credit to afford the Sonata. Credit! ANOTHER CREATION OF THE WHITE MAN! Designed to keep the black man in check, to keep him wallowing in poverty. As my friend and presidential candidate Barack Obama so stated in his book, "The Audacity of Hope", young black men MUST hope for this hope! IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO HOPE! It is not audacious for us to hope for change and hope! To one day take over America, and banish these white devils! We must give our young brethren something to look forward to besides a life of poverty or incarceration! WE MUST DESTROY THE PILLARS OF WHITE AMERICA!!!!


Holy fuck. This is not good.