Don Banks has chills

From his recent CNNSI.com column previewing the upcoming NFL draft (which will be all that the weekend will have going after the fabulous Pens finish off the Flyers tonight):

• Here's a potential meaningful coincidence that could really come to fruition by Saturday night: In 1996, the first-year Baltimore Ravens selected University of Miami middle linebacker Ray Lewis at No. 26 in the first round. This year, the Ravens might find themselves in position to select the eventual heir to Lewis' throne, and it very well could be ... another inside linebacker, from a warm-weather school, at No. 26, who at least phonetically answers by the same first name: USC's Rey Maualuga.

I don't know about you, but I've got chills.

I don't know about you, but I don't get chills over something so obviously gay that Bill Clinton wouldn't even allow it in the military. Wow, both from warm weather schools! Both named some form of Ray! Both darker than me! BOTH US CITIZENS!!!!

So they might draft another warm-weather linebacker named Rey. Who the fuck cares? Did you have chills when the Steelers drafting a QB named Benjamin Roethlisberger from a state that just happens to play host to the NFL HALL OF FAME!!!!! Or, how about this, guess what the Jets can do this year? They can draft another gunslinger this year named Matt Stafford, a guy who, just like Brett Favre, PLAYED AT A COLLEGE IN GEORGIA! And...get this...they both wear jeans! Holy hell, I have chills. Just chills? God damn it, my cock is hard right now. And it tingles. It feels like someone dumped a bucket full of sunshine all over my balls. And I'm telling you guys...if you don't feel the same way, you are missing out on one incredible feeling.

Really, Don Banks...don't try so hard to sell your point. It makes people think you like to deepthroat Quinzo's torpedoes. Miami and USC are warm-weather schools...but that's it. They are like, 3,000 miles apart. It's hard to get further apart in this country than Miami and USC.

But hey, don't let me tell you how to live your life. Chill away, dickbag. OMG, they might both be drafted at the same spot! The 26th pick only happens IN EVERY FUCKING DRAFT EVER, COCKSNIPER!!! This isn't a leap-draft.

Why do things so trivial make me take such umbrage? I guess I need to lay off the meth.