Thursday, April 2, 2009

Glenn Beck is the new O'Reilly


Glenn Beck's star sure has risen lately, showing that all you need to do to get huge ratings on TV is promote the most outrageous talking points you can possibly think of. Glenn's talking points center around the possibility that due to the recession (because recessions never happen) which some forecast may become a depression (which never happens), we might spiral into a massive civil because all of the out-of-work lawyers and stock brokers just won't be able to take it anymore and will pick up their muskets. Colbert already lampooned this, so for me to do so would not be fresh, and you know how big I am on freshness. If blogging were a laundromat, I would be the fabric softener sheets laying around everywhere.

Glenn has just become pretty big nationally, but I've hated him for years. He used to be prominently featured on the AM radio station that I received in my car in college, which was honestly the only station that came in. I had AM only radio in Northwest PA. Lovely. Glenn, Billy O, Rush and Hannity all day. And I listened to it. Better than silence. Anyway, Glenn was crazy back then. Then he went to MSNBC or whatever and mellowed, and now he's getting back to his old roots. But he's not even there yet. This guy used to have a "countdown until Michael Schiavo goes to hell" on his radio show. He's an idiot. And of course he guises this as patriotism, because Glenn Beck loves his country enough to pretend to cry over it.

Glenn has started a movement known as the 9/12 project, which states:

"'The 9-12 Project' is designed to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001. The day after America was attacked we were not obsessed with Red States, Blue States or political parties. We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the greatest nation ever created."

Right, the day after 9/11, when we were all Republicans.

Where do I get that idea? The list of "9 Principles" (there are also 12 values...get it?). Off we go.



1. America Is Good.

Yeah! Way to stick it to the "America sucks horsedick" crowd. Is there any legitimate movement that has a measurable following and is founded upon America licking pubes? Whatever. Point, Beck.




2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.

God “The propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the external rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained.” from George Washington’s first Inaugural address.

And it continues...the downfall of the Republican party. People that would otherwise be on board are turned off by the leaders who push God on everybody. More God is not the answer to the Iraq War or to the auto industry bailout. You can pray...that's fine. But you can't make it the center of your policy, or your policies are going to fail harder than this. I'd rather have any other name on that boat, but that's a different story.



3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.

Honesty “I hope that I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider to be the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.” George Washington

You are going to be SO honest when you are 83. Why don't you just always try to be as honest as you can be instead of gradually building it up day-by-day? Is there even a grey area here? You are either honest or you are not, for the most part. But hey, lying is bad! If nothing else, Glenn Beck takes crazy stands.



4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.

Marriage/Family “It is in the love of one’s family only that heartfelt happiness is known. By a law of our nature, we cannot be happy without the endearing connections of a family.” Thomas Jefferson

FUCK. This is Glenn Beck's America, kid beaters and swingers, and he's coming for you! Also, the Supreme Court will now be replaced by a stern talking to from Mr. and Mrs. John Fondlesworth from Provo, Utah. For they are the ultimate authority. EVERYBODY GET ON BOARD THE GLENN BECK EXPRESS, NON-STOP SERVICE TO THE YEAR 1736!



5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.

Justice “I deem one of the essential principles of our government… equal and exact justice to all men of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political.” Thomas Jefferson

So, murder's illegal now? Or everybody has to defend themselves in court? Or....nothing changes and we end up sticking with the system we currently have in place? I need you to be a little clearer on this one, Glenn. The current "if you break the law you receive a stern talking to from the Fondlesworths" system is just not cutting it.



6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.

Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit of Happiness “Everyone has a natural right to choose that vocation in life which he thinks most likely to give him comfortable subsistence.” Thomas Jefferson

I guess I agree with this one. That whole "everybody is created equal" thing is just not true...but then again, this kind of flies in the face of number 2. Although this is more of an attempt to blame it on individual people because they chose the wrong vocation. See, Mitch, instead of working at McDonald's, you should have pursued a career as a day-time soap opera star. But you didn't. Moron. Give me some McNuggets.



7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

Charity “It is not everyone who asketh that deserveth charity; all however, are worth of the inquiry or the deserving may suffer.” George Washington

There are not enough hours in the day for me to explain my thoughts on the "SOCIALISM!" and "COMMUNISM!" fads currently sweeping our country again. But I guess I'll try to keep it short.

WE HAVE HAD AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE WELFARE UNDER EVERY MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT EVER. Obama is not sending everybody a check. The people that get welfare ARE LIVING IN THE FUCKING HOOD. Are you jealous that they don't have to work and get to sit at home and receive $400 a month? Then do it. You probably wouldn't like it, though...BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE $400 TO LIVE ON. It's not a glamourous lifestyle. And, it keeps these people from breaking into your house.

Now, because we are planning on raising the tax on the highest income earners from 33 to 36%, we are socialist communist terrorists. We are hating the fuck out of America. The fact that we all fall for this stuff all the time shows just how stupid humans as a whole can be. First, we are all convinced that DDT is killing our children. Then we are convinced that George Bush personally flooded New Orleans. Now we think that Obama is a socialist and he's going to show up to your house, take your money and give it to people who don't want to work. He's actually going to give it to...well, people like you, who make less than $250,000.

Do some people just sit around and collect welfare in lieu of working? Sure. But they can only do it for 5 years. And there are 300 million people in the country. You are just going to have to make some concessions here. Hopefully your fragile worldviews are able to remain intact throughout this crisis.

Don't think the government can take your money? Fine. Don't pay your taxes. See where it gets you.



8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.

On your right to disagree “In a free and republican government, you cannot restrain the voice of the multitude; every man will speak as he thinks, or more properly without thinking.” George Washington

Uhhh...my bad. I just woke up from a dream that took like, I swear, 8 years or so to play out. It was a crazy dream, man...we weren't allowed to disagree with the government or anything because it was all un-American and stuff. It was terrible. But I'm glad that I woke up now and I'm allowed to disagree again.




9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.

Who works for whom? “I consider the people who constitute a society or a nation as the source of all authority in that nation.” Thomas Jefferson

Sweet, but this is America, not Utopia. Government is not going to work for you unless it is comprised of robots programmed to do exactly that. People are people and they are all power-hungry. Look at these fuck-ups on TV...these idiot congressmen and senators, fighting over stuff that no one cares about and making blatant power grabs in bills and giving stupid presentations about stem cells and thinking they are important. These douchebags don't work for us. They work for them. Politics used to be an interest, now it's a lucrative career.



Here. Knock yourself out with the comments. There isn't enough space on the internets to take on even half of them.

5 comments:

Cotter said...

I blame this all on the internet. This visibility of this country's idiocy has increased significantly with the now widespread use of broadband.

I have to think that we'd be a whole lot better off if people proposed solutions instead of just bitching about problems or in this case, invoking the words of guys who lived 300 years ago.

You think Glenn Beck has proposed anything that will actually improve America? I'm not sure.

Symo said...

You cut off the quotes Vern.

I like conservatives, but I am also sick of the God ticket... it's HIS fault that we're all blowing each other up in HIS name. Or is it that novelist who wrote the bible? I dunno. I don't care anymore.

johnny said...

Vern,

Saw that you updated the GPJ MySpace page. Solid material as always.

Vern said...

Damn, Symo...just noticed.

Thanks, Blogger. I can't figure out why everybody leaves this place.


And thanks for hitting up the GPJ, Johnny. I try to keep it as fresh as I can over there, which gets difficult.

Rage said...

Want a fresh (dope-ass)quote? Here's one from today bitches, brought about by shit stains like Glenn Beck, Turd Burgler Limbaugh, hell, even Oprah Fucking Winfrey! Ready?

"The human race needs a fucking enema"

Jesus, 2009
(In my head)