Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Going out on a limb here

I read everywhere that the Broncos are going to suck unquestionably while the Bears have just catapulted themselves to the top of the list as far as NFC contenders go and yet, believe it or not, I disagree with these accounts. I know, I's crazy.

But I'm confident that Kyle Orton is going to preform admirably for the horses this season. How confident? Well, I'm not usually a betting man, but I will bet polar bear fellatio that Kyle Orton has a better season statistically than Jay Cutler.

Yes, that's right. If Cutler has the better season this year by pure statistics, I will blow a live polar bear.

Everybody seems to be jaded by Orton's horrid performances during his rookie season to the point that they miss the fact that he was pretty damn good last year. Sure, just south of 3,000 yards to go along with his 59% completion percentage and 18 TD - 12 INT line isn't spectacular, but it's definitely above average and...HE DID IT ON THE FUCKING BEARS. The Bears. The 1928 NFL season makes the Bears' offense jealous. If yards per attempt were standards of living, the Bears offense would be Haiti. Plus, he was throwing to Devin Hester and Rashied Davis (who?) in 40-mph lake breezes. It's not the idea situation for a quarterback to thrive.

Jay Cutler, on the other hand, racked up the big yardage last year and threw 25 TDs but did so along with 18 picks. This was with an offense featuring a lot of passing to some very, very good receivers, primarily Brandon Marshall, who is one of the best in the NFL when he's not busy being suspended for punching women. And while you may see the occasional early season snow game in Denver, all-in-all the weather there is much more conducive to explosive's sunny, yo. So I'm just not on the "Cutler's going to go into Chicago and dominate" bandwagon just yet. I'll have to see it before I'm convinced.

So, the stakes are raised. Orton has better stats this season than Cutler or I'm blowing a polar bear.


Polar Bear said...

Im waiting for you vern. I'd be willing to bet neckbeard doesn't have brandon marshall to throw to for all of this season. Cutler made Eddie Royal look good, not vice versa. Cutler has a strong arm, and performed well at the meadowlands, which has wind issues as well. Orton is never a good thing to bet on. But hey...come get some. I like a good blow job.

johnny said...

Careful, Vern. You saw what happened just last week when some lady tried to give a polar bear fellatio. Though, I would totally perform cunnilingus on the MILF-tastic polar bear from those Coca Cola commercials they show around Christmas.