Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Things indeed. Hey Manute.

I was just randomly wondering about things recently. For example...who found vodka? Who the hell invented that? Wine and beer are kind of in the same boat but can be explained, I guess, although I am still skeptical about the kind of person that would find some nasty fermented grapes and then eat enough of them to get all hammered up. But vodka? Who the hell discovered that and then kept drinking it? If I accidentally discovered vodka and then tried to drink some of it and it tasted like, vodka tastes, I would immediately stop drinking it. And then call poison control. Because I'd think that I just drank pancreatic cancer. The last thing I would do is look around for any orange juice to mix it with, because there would be no reason for me to think that mixing it with juice will make it any less poisonous. So props I guess to whomever did the initial legwork in a much more rational fashion than I would have.


I just got a different car (since it's not new at all and older than my last one, I'm calling it different) and it had a messed up CD player. Not a big deal, I had one sitting around from the old Buick and I put it in the Nissan. And then yesterday I went to turn it up and thought, hey, these speakers are much better than the ones that were in the Buick, I'm gonna turn this bitch up. It went to 62.


Who at Pioneer decided to make 62 the cut-off? Was it an old-school Olli Jokinen tribute? That makes no rational sense. Was it an even more retarded Nigel from Spinal Tap? "These go to 62". Well what the hell was wrong with eleven? I don't want to be driving along with some hot babes, throw on some Real McCoy and say "hey ladies, you want me to crank this shizz up to 62?". Because that would be strange and girls don't like for me to act strange while we are cruising around the Everglades listening to some Real McCoy. Get your act together, Pioneer.


I'm sure this isn't cutting edge, but it came up again yesterday. To preface, I love analogies. If analogies were a fat chick, I'd still bang her. And I'd f-ing like it, ok? I would give out more loads than a trucking dispatch. Anyway, the "if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" analogy came up, and while I am often chastised for using extreme analogies, none are as bad as this one and yet it is readily accepted and even embraced by otherwise normal people. What the hell? It's the most extreme analogy ever. First off, how high is the bridge? Is it like the bridge in college above that river that everyone jumped off of? And second, who the hell cannot differentiate jumping off of a bridge from normal activities? Say your friends offered you a juice box and said "yo, dog, try this juice box". Who the hell wouldn't drink that juice box? If I offered you a juice box and you said no, I'd fucking punch you right in your face. We wouldn't be friends anymore.

The fact that this analogy even exists shows that normal people can differentiate between jumping off of bridges and normal activities. If that were not the case, the analogy would not be appropriate because EVERYBODY WOULD BE JUMPING OFF BRIDGES.


I hate how Facebook tells me that "somebody has just compared you to his/her friends". Because if they pick you, it says "somebody has just compared you to her friends and determined that you have a nicer wang". But if not, they just give the first sentence. Meaning that you lost. Why kill my buzz like that, Facebook? You are pretty much telling me that I have been viewed as inferior to someone else in a comparison of desireable features. Until they start asking "Hey, who's gayer?" and let people make those comparisons, it's just a bad way to start my day.

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