Wednesday, April 8, 2009
One of my favorite things to do is make fun of vegetarians. Not that I care or anything; I mean, really, I like to make fun of everything and everybody. But vegetarians happen to make that list. I was watching the Pens game at a bar yesterday with a friend who happens to be a vegetarian and along with an event from the previous day in which I was told that the Seabass is freaking endangered, I formulated a get rich plan.
Sidenote...how is the Sea Bass endangered? It doesn't sound like an animal that should be endangered. It's not like, the Malaysian Horsecow or the Leaping Brown Squirrel...it's the motherf-ing SEA BASS! There should be more of these than there are Real Sex episodes on HBO.
Anyway, Geriatric Farms will be my first entrepreneurial endeavor. Are you appalled by the less than humane (that doesn't make sense to me, as they aren't human...wouldn't it be like animane or something?) treatment of the delicious animals that we eat? While I think that animals taste better when they are ruthlessly bludgeoned, I can see where you are coming from. That's why at Geriatric Farms, all of our animals are certified to have died of natural causes.
Whether a cow has died of old age, an auto accident, or even bovine tuberculosis, you can rest assured that it wasn't ground up in a spiked rotating contraption like the other sick, twisted farms from which you can purchase your cows. You ever see those videos of cows being thrown through the sky in intense hurricanes? Well, fuck it, those cows are still good for eating! Hurricane cows, tornado cows, whatever. We have it and we will sell it! Sure, you may need a ton of A1 sauce for these land manatees, but at least you'll know that you are making a difference.
So please, give Geriatric Farms a chance. We promise you'll love our old, wrinkled meat.