Urban Dictionary

I'm sure that most of you are familiar with Urbandictionary.com, a site which tells you exactly what those crazy phrases the kids are using mean. Which is all well and good, or at least was, until the site became a haven for people to just put anything on there. A friend of mine mentions that she was about to name something a "singapore sling" (she names these things for work), but upon looking it up on Googs to see if anybody had ever used the name, saw that it was on Urban Dictionary and meant banging a Thai hooker and finding out that it's a dude.

Comethefuckon, man.

So, whatever, Urban Dictionary. If you want to do stuff like that, I'm going to come up with my own things to add.


THE HUCKLEBERRY FINN - When you jizz into your own mouth and wash it down with grape Fanta.

THE CHROME DRAGON - Urinating all over your mousepad while purchasing wheel-cleaner online at Target.com.

THE SUEZ CANAL - Performed by inserting a classical violin into an Egyptian chick's vagina. In D major.

THE PORKCHOP DINNER - Shave all of your pubes with a Gillette razor and empty them into a used Altoids tin. Then use one of those little car fans to blow them all over some fat chick's face while she covers a U2 song on Guitar Hero.

THE WESTERN UNION - Mail yourself a model train set from a mailbox close to your house. Then stick a miniature Eiffel Tower replica up your ass until it bleeds. Allow the blood to fall into a graduated cylinder from the local high school science lab. If you can fill it up past 50 milliliters, you win. If not, set up the model train and tape your penis to the tracks (females can just sit on the tracks). Run the train on the highest available speed setting. Do this while wearing a Willis McGahee Buffalo Bills jersey.

THE MALAYSIAN FALCON - Put some Lupe Fiasco into your MP3 and wear some Koss-brand head phones. Proceed to circumcise yourself with opposite-handed scissors and see how many maple leaves you can collect and carry with the foreskin. The record in Saskatchewan is 3.6 ounces.

THE ICELAND LITERACY TEST - Park your late model Ford Taurus behind the neighborhood Barnes and Noble. Purchase a book from the Goosebumps series. Return to your car. Read the first couple of pages aloud while a hooker you picked up off of Craigslist flosses with your chest hair. Then pull her tampon out and use it as a bookmark.




So, there you go Urban Dictionary. Better add those to the list.

Peter King attempts to analyze

Oh, Peter. Trying to rank the top QBs in the NFL (again...the last time he did this was just as quixotic to follow). By categories, asking the "experts", and then Peter King-ing his own expert opinion after each breakdown. Let's take a look.



America can't get enough of quarterbacks. Highest-profile players in the biggest game in the nation. Coolest guys on the field. So who among them is the best today? Most people would agree it's Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, but I wanted to go deeper into the argument, so I broke down the position into nine categories, added one more to factor in the best quarterback teacher and assembled a panel of five experts to weigh in: former NFL coaches Brian Billick and Mike Shanahan, former MVP quarterback Rich Gannon, longtime scout and former Browns general manager Phil Savage and NFL Network personnel maven Mike Mayock, who might watch more game tape than even Bill Belichick. Each panelist voted for his top five in each category, then points were assigned on a 5-4-3-2-1 basis and tallied. Where there were ties, I broke them.

To rank the best QBs, I decided to rank the best QB coaches. Later, watch as I rank grocery chains by font.



Finally, there was this slap in the face to Eli Manning—or to the Giants' brass, who last month made him the highest-paid quarterback in football: Peyton's brother was not named on any ballot in any category.

That's because he sucks. It's not a "slap in the face". He's just not that good at being a QB.




Best Overall

1 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

2 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

3 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

4 Ben Roethlisberger
Pittsburgh Steelers

5 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

KING SAYS: The surprise is at No. 3, where Brees edged Roethlisberger. I respect the panel's vote because the easy move would be to put last year's Super Bowl hero up with Brady and Peyton Manning. But Brees's last two seasons—averaging 4,746 yards and 66.3% completions—were phenomenal. Big Ben had seven more regular-season wins in that span, but I'd like to see Brees with a Steelers-style defense on his side.

Whatever. Fine with me. Nice attempt to realize that there are 52 other players on an NFL roster, although it could have been better.


Best Deep Arm

1 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

2 Carson Palmer
Cincinnati Bengals

3 JaMarcus Russell
Oakland Raiders

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

KING SAYS: Where's Lions rookie Matthew Stafford? By midseason the voters on my panel will be saying, "Stafford's in the top three." Cutler has a chance this year to be the quarterback who finally cuts through the winds in the Windy City and becomes the Dan Fouts the franchise hasn't had. "His arm hasn't let anyone down," Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo told me in training camp. "It's spectacular."

And it only took this long for him to be Peter King. OMG WHERE'S STAFFORD! Just wait until all of my experts realize what I say they are going to realize by midseason. Don't they listen to me? Who cares if he hasn't taken a snap yet. Don't they realize how much I know about college football?

If only Brian Billick knew what Peter King knows.





Best Game Manager

1 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

2 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

3 Chad Pennington
Miami Dolphins

4 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

5 Kurt Warner
Arizona Cardinals

KING SAYS: Peyton Manning was first on all but one ballot, and you can't argue with his encyclopedic knowledge of the game. (Pennington got the other first-place vote.) I would have ranked Warner higher, but I understand why he wasn't. Though the 12th-year veteran is capable of running the game himself, last year's coordinator in Arizona, Todd Haley, kept a tight hold on the play-calling.


Peyton Manning knows EXACTLY how many downs you get before you have to punt. This category was just retarded.




Toughest

1 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

2 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

3 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 David Garrard
Jacksonville Jaguars

KING SAYS: In the last three years Brees has come back from career-threatening shoulder surgery to lead the Saints to the NFC title game, overcome a dislocated elbow to throw for 4,400 yards and this summer is dealing with the recent death of his mother. "The toughest player, mentally and physically, you could ask for at the most important position in football," says his coach, Sean Payton.


Yeah. We'll see how YOU play when your parents are killed, David Garrard!





Most Athletic

1 Michael Vick
Philadelphia Eagles

2 Pat White
Miami Dolphins

3 Tony Romo
Dallas Cowboys

4 Donovan McNabb
Philadelphia Eagles

5 Vince Young
Tennessee Titans

KING SAYS: White? Ahead of Young? I didn't give the voters instructions on factoring playing time into this process, but they seem to be thinking: Miami's multithreat rookie will get six or eight snaps a game, minimum; we have no idea if Young will play six or eight snaps this year. And rating Vick No. 1 affirms the belief that Andy Reid will use his new weapon early and often.


It doesn't matter how many snaps Young takes. Pat White is still twice the pure athlete that Vince Young is. "Oh my God, I didn't tell the voters that they should vote the way I would! How can I explain their ridiculous behavior?" Stop trying to analyze, Pete.

I'm going to skip a few now.



Best Chance for Breakout Season

1 Matt Schaub
Houston Texans

2 Mark Sanchez
New York Jets

3 Trent Edwards
Buffalo Bills

4 Jason Campbell
Washington Redskins

5 Chad Henne
Miami Dolphins

KING SAYS: I like this pick. Over the last two years Schaub has missed 10 games because of injuries sustained when he was hit illegally or late; in the 22 games in which he has played, he has averaged 7.9 yards per attempt (to Peyton Manning's 7.5 over the last two seasons). Schaub might get hurt again this year, but if he plays a full slate in Gary Kubiak's offense, I see him being a 4,000-yard passer.


Hmmm, where would you guys get this idea? Maybe from the fact that he was 5th in the NFL in passer rating last year, or threw for 3,000 yards in 11 games? Your crystal ball is apparently Google.




Best Quarterback in 2015

1 Matt Ryan
Atlanta Falcons

2 Aaron Rodgers
Green Bay Packers

3 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

4 Phillip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

5 Joe Falcco
Baltimore Ravens

KING SAYS: Here's a slam dunk. Ryan was a more precocious rookie than even Peyton Manning was, and he'll be 30 at the start of the 2015 season. You might argue that Cutler (who'll be 32) will be better six years from now. But I'll take the Boston College kid because he has a home field dome (always a plus for a passer), an unflappable nature and the determination to improve his game.


You may argue that Cutler will be better in six years because, well, because he's almost the same age as Ryan and better now. But, I mean, other than that, it's a fucking slam dunk. It's almost like I asked this question Chris Paul, who threw it up to David West, who then took the question and dunked "Matt Ryan" throw the hoop I had affixed to my computer. And he's got a good point about the unflappable Ryan, a man who just CANNOT be flapped. Any bird with Matt Ryan for wings if going to fall right out of the sky, as those wings will just be completely unflappable.

Fucking Peter King. I don't know why I hate his writing so much.

Picking an XBox Live name

So, you want to get on XBox Live, huh? Want to test your motherf-in' Parappa the Rapper skills with Vern, eh? If you are anything like the majority of current XBox Live users, you will do so with one of the fucking gayest usernames possible. How so many people can all achieve such gayness is beyond me, but there it is.

We've seen gay AIM names, sure. But not this gay. Most people had a play on their name or used their age or their hometown or had some variant of the word "princess" in their name, but it still didn't approach the gayness of XBox Live names. And while something like World of Warcraft probably elicited the same gay usernames, it's just not as mainstream as XBox Live, and so I'm not giving it the same standing.

Because XBox Live has some really fucking gay gamertags. Or should I say...GAYmertags!!! HA! Pour that Lolgers in your cup!

It really breaks down into two groups of gays, the Cockloving Mages and the Gay Seven-Year Olds.

The Cockloving Mages consist of all of those people who try too hard to sound all killer and badass, yet, in the end, come off as a sort of goth type that love touching flaccid penises and watching them grow. You know, trying way too hard to sound like an awesome killer of other players.

Examples:

DeathMage
Wizard of Justice
DarkPwnership
RenaissanceNinja
HeartOFWarrior
BlackDeath
SupremeKnight
DormantCobra
Pwner of a Lonely Heart

...ok, that's a lie. Pwner of a Lonely Heart would be a fucking awesome name.


And then there are the kids who yell and scream during the loading sequences with names that are usually just random adjectives thrown in front of a noun.

ToxicHorse
BleedingAIDS
FloatyPigs
StapledCheese
StickyBagel
CancerousFrappachino
ITouchKids

....well, no. Again, the last one would be awesome. Imagine everybody on your team yelling at you that someone is behind you. I TOUCH KIDS! I TOUCH KIDS! I would never stop laughing. Ever. I'd still be laughing even after my grandparents were killed by sharks. And I hate sharks.

So get in the game, homos. There are plenty of good gamertags still available.

Glenn Beck is the new O'Reilly

Glenn Beck's star sure has risen lately, showing that all you need to do to get huge ratings on TV is promote the most outrageous talking points you can possibly think of. Glenn's talking points center around the possibility that due to the recession (because recessions never happen) which some forecast may become a depression (which never happens), we might spiral into a massive civil because all of the out-of-work lawyers and stock brokers just won't be able to take it anymore and will pick up their muskets. Colbert already lampooned this, so for me to do so would not be fresh, and you know how big I am on freshness. If blogging were a laundromat, I would be the fabric softener sheets laying around everywhere.

Glenn has just become pretty big nationally, but I've hated him for years. He used to be prominently featured on the AM radio station that I received in my car in college, which was honestly the only station that came in. I had AM only radio in Northwest PA. Lovely. Glenn, Billy O, Rush and Hannity all day. And I listened to it. Better than silence. Anyway, Glenn was crazy back then. Then he went to MSNBC or whatever and mellowed, and now he's getting back to his old roots. But he's not even there yet. This guy used to have a "countdown until Michael Schiavo goes to hell" on his radio show. He's an idiot. And of course he guises this as patriotism, because Glenn Beck loves his country enough to pretend to cry over it.

Glenn has started a movement known as the 9/12 project, which states:

"'The 9-12 Project' is designed to bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001. The day after America was attacked we were not obsessed with Red States, Blue States or political parties. We were united as Americans, standing together to protect the greatest nation ever created."

Right, the day after 9/11, when we were all Republicans.

Where do I get that idea? The list of "9 Principles" (there are also 12 values...get it?). Off we go.



1. America Is Good.

Yeah! Way to stick it to the "America sucks horsedick" crowd. Is there any legitimate movement that has a measurable following and is founded upon America licking pubes? Whatever. Point, Beck.

2.	I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
	God “The propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the external rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained.” from George Washington’s first Inaugural address.

And it continues...the downfall of the Republican party. People that would otherwise be on board are turned off by the leaders who push God on everybody. More God is not the answer to the Iraq War or to the auto industry bailout. You can pray...that's fine. But you can't make it the center of your policy, or your policies are going to fail harder than this. I'd rather have any other name on that boat, but that's a different story.

3.	I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.
	Honesty “I hope that I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider to be the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.” George Washington

You are going to be SO honest when you are 83. Why don't you just always try to be as honest as you can be instead of gradually building it up day-by-day? Is there even a grey area here? You are either honest or you are not, for the most part. But hey, lying is bad! If nothing else, Glenn Beck takes crazy stands.

4.	The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.
	Marriage/Family “It is in the love of one’s family only that heartfelt happiness is known. By a law of our nature, we cannot be happy without the endearing connections of a family.” Thomas Jefferson

FUCK. This is Glenn Beck's America, kid beaters and swingers, and he's coming for you! Also, the Supreme Court will now be replaced by a stern talking to from Mr. and Mrs. John Fondlesworth from Provo, Utah. For they are the ultimate authority. EVERYBODY GET ON BOARD THE GLENN BECK EXPRESS, NON-STOP SERVICE TO THE YEAR 1736!

5.	If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.
	Justice “I deem one of the essential principles of our government… equal and exact justice to all men of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political.” Thomas Jefferson

So, murder's illegal now? Or everybody has to defend themselves in court? Or....nothing changes and we end up sticking with the system we currently have in place? I need you to be a little clearer on this one, Glenn. The current "if you break the law you receive a stern talking to from the Fondlesworths" system is just not cutting it.

6.	I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.
	Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit of Happiness “Everyone has a natural right to choose that vocation in life which he thinks most likely to give him comfortable subsistence.” Thomas Jefferson

I guess I agree with this one. That whole "everybody is created equal" thing is just not true...but then again, this kind of flies in the face of number 2. Although this is more of an attempt to blame it on individual people because they chose the wrong vocation. See, Mitch, instead of working at McDonald's, you should have pursued a career as a day-time soap opera star. But you didn't. Moron. Give me some McNuggets.

7.	I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.
	Charity “It is not everyone who asketh that deserveth charity; all however, are worth of the inquiry or the deserving may suffer.” George Washington

There are not enough hours in the day for me to explain my thoughts on the "SOCIALISM!" and "COMMUNISM!" fads currently sweeping our country again. But I guess I'll try to keep it short.

WE HAVE HAD AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE WELFARE UNDER EVERY MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT EVER. Obama is not sending everybody a check. The people that get welfare ARE LIVING IN THE FUCKING HOOD. Are you jealous that they don't have to work and get to sit at home and receive $400 a month? Then do it. You probably wouldn't like it, though...BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE $400 TO LIVE ON. It's not a glamourous lifestyle. And, it keeps these people from breaking into your house.

Now, because we are planning on raising the tax on the highest income earners from 33 to 36%, we are socialist communist terrorists. We are hating the fuck out of America. The fact that we all fall for this stuff all the time shows just how stupid humans as a whole can be. First, we are all convinced that DDT is killing our children. Then we are convinced that George Bush personally flooded New Orleans. Now we think that Obama is a socialist and he's going to show up to your house, take your money and give it to people who don't want to work. He's actually going to give it to...well, people like you, who make less than $250,000.

Do some people just sit around and collect welfare in lieu of working? Sure. But they can only do it for 5 years. And there are 300 million people in the country. You are just going to have to make some concessions here. Hopefully your fragile worldviews are able to remain intact throughout this crisis.

Don't think the government can take your money? Fine. Don't pay your taxes. See where it gets you.

8.	It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.
	On your right to disagree “In a free and republican government, you cannot restrain the voice of the multitude; every man will speak as he thinks, or more properly without thinking.” George Washington

Uhhh...my bad. I just woke up from a dream that took like, I swear, 8 years or so to play out. It was a crazy dream, man...we weren't allowed to disagree with the government or anything because it was all un-American and stuff. It was terrible. But I'm glad that I woke up now and I'm allowed to disagree again.

9.	The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
	Who works for whom? “I consider the people who constitute a society or a nation as the source of all authority in that nation.” Thomas Jefferson

Sweet, but this is America, not Utopia. Government is not going to work for you unless it is comprised of robots programmed to do exactly that. People are people and they are all power-hungry. Look at these fuck-ups on TV...these idiot congressmen and senators, fighting over stuff that no one cares about and making blatant power grabs in bills and giving stupid presentations about stem cells and thinking they are important. These douchebags don't work for us. They work for them. Politics used to be an interest, now it's a lucrative career.



Here. Knock yourself out with the comments. There isn't enough space on the internets to take on even half of them.

Wordpress's advice 2: THE LIST!

He's makin' a list...he's checkin' it twice...it's the top 30 ways that you can skullfuck a deer...

Wait. Those might not be the correct lyrics. Anyway, Wordpress told me a couple weeks ago that if I got stuck in a rut blogwise, they had 10 suggestions to pull up a creative truck and clever-winch me out. Suggestion two was to make a list...because even though you have nothing in your head to write about, you can certainly put that nothingness in list form!

So, first order of business is to come up with a list. Second order of business is to write it. That pretty much covers all orders of business involved in this task. Ok.

Let's list a bunch of the moves that I like to make in a chess game.


MOVE 1: MOVING THE HORSE AND THEN KILLING PEOPLE WITH IT

I love to move the horse. He can fucking jump over people! Unfortunately, his one leg is apparently really messed up and he always ends up leaning to the left or right. Sometimes, people are in the way of this lean and he freaking kills them. I love to make horse noises while I move the horse. In fact, I am going to make noises when I move every piece on the chess board. Moving the horse while making horse noises and killing somebody is one of the most satisfying things in life, right up there with making the final payment on a car loan and placing your balls into a vat of petroleum jelly.


MOVE 2: TURNING A PAWN INTO A HORSE

Pawns! Pawns sure are some little bitch fake gangsters, but they are gangsters nonetheless and can only kill diagonally because they hold their guns sideways with that gangster tilt. Sometimes they get a little hop in their step and can start off by moving two spaces ahead, but then they are quickly intimidated by the other pieces and can only move one space ahead. However, if they reach the promised land, they can metamorphisize into a queen or a priest or EVEN ANOTHER HORSE! It's like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, or like an alcoholic door-to-door vacuum salesman turning into a homeless guy.


MOVE 3: MOVING THE KING IN ANY DIRECTION

Holy hell is the king a beast. HE CAN MOVE IN ANY DIRECTION! You may be like, "yeah, but he can only move one space, while the queen can move as far as she wants", and I would slap you and tell you to keep your dirty feminist mouth shut. The queen only does that because the king tells that bitch to do it. Meanwhile, the king moves one space and he's like "fuck this, I'm the damn king. I'm just gonna chill", while everybody else does all the work. Everytime I move the king I feel like a captain of industry. It makes me harder than black-on-blonde anime porn.


MOVE 4: MOLESTING OTHER PIECES WITH THE PRIEST

I love to molest other pieces that get in my path with the bishop. The priest. The ruthless chess molester that can only move diagonally because he's drunk as hell off wine. And everytime an opposing underage male piece finds itself in his stumbling drunken path, that piece is then thoroughly molested. The priest initially cons the piece into sampling some wine and moving to the priest's "office" for "friendly advice" and before long, the priest is fondling that piece into submission. This is a great way to not only capture pieces but also to damage your opponent's morale.


MOVE 5: NOT TAKING WORDPRESS'S ADVICE

Thanks a lot, Wordpress. You really know how to make ideas pop. Homos.

If this was Rihanna, then I understand where Chris Brown was coming from

I was randomly browsing Facebook today. I know. FUCKING CRAZY! I'm a wild man. But apparently not wild enough for a certain chick in this world who wrote out a list of her fantasies on Men's Health. Credit time: I found this list through Wrap Around Curl's post on this website. Sweeeeet. I love how the internets make me call people by their fake names. Just like on XBox Live where I had to tell a dude "come revive me, Protect My Balls!". "YOU TELL 'EM VERN!". Jeez. Anyway, on to this whore.


1. Shower before bed.
Seeing you emerge from a steamy bathroom with droplets of water clinging to your biceps makes me want to dry you off with my tongue. That includes all those soft, warm, sensitive places—but only when they're Zestfully clean.

Whatever, that's harmless enough, I guess. And I can't blame her, as I do have some sweet rippling biceps.


2. Talk dirtier.
Much dirtier. Trot out a variety of nasty words one night, and if I grunt and moan in agreement, kick it up a notch. When I respond with total silence, dial it back down.

I refuse to do this. I'm not good at it. I'm not going to sit there and say "I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU SO HARD IN YOUR ASS-SUCKING MOUTH YOU COCK-SEAMSTRESS!". I don't even know what a cock-seamstress is. This is just weird. I don't like it. I remember one time some chick (I remember who it was, but I'm not going to name her here) said "don't stop f-ing me"...well, she didn't just say the letter f. And while I didn't say anything, I thought..."good timing. I was juuuuust about to stop f-ing you like, right there. Until you told me not to". In hindsight I should have said that. And it would have sparked a lolgasm.

"LOVE THIS COCK!!!!"



3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

Uhhh...first of all, I live in an apartment. If I'm mowing the lawn, that means I just got fired from my job recently. Secondly, I usually have grass clippings on me when I do. I'm not doing anything to you until I've showered. Fresh-cut grass does smell like pheromones. That's why you don't see any women fucking piles of grass.



4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

If I did ask this, it would be a joke. And it wouldn't be very funny. And then if you did it, I'd probably leave. Because you are f-ing weird. My old roommate probably would have been one to do this. And she was weird. Frighteningly weird. Am I your gynecologist?



5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

I do this to complete strangers.



6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.
But say that you did this with/to me in a dream. That'll allow me to maintain the illusion that it isn't something you used to do with an ex-hookup, or an idea you picked up from porn. I might not agree to reenact it, but hearing about it will make me feel like your naughty little confidante, which is very hot. Bonus: It'll give me the courage to tell you mine.

Jeez, what wouldn't I learn from porn? It's 2009. Everything has been done and then recorded a hundred times over. How creative am I supposed to get here? "Hey, you wanna try something new? I'm going to stand on the ground. Now do a handstand on my bed and let me fuck you in the eye". Plus, I don't care if you have crazy fantasies. I'd actually rather have them tame, like "yeah, my fantasy is giving you a BJ". I'd be so down.



7. Read up on sex.
There are books on boinking that are worth the embarrassment of buying them. Like Ian Kerner's She Comes First, for example. It's a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning. Yes, you're an amazing lover already, but Kerner has a Ph.D. for a reason.

How about I don't and I'll just cook my own pancakes. Plus, I know of no college that offers a Ph. D. course in cunnilingus.



8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

This one was the impetus for this whole post. What the hell is this? How many showers have hand-held spray nozzle things? I'm guessing more don't than do, unless we're banging it out at a high school in the handicap shower. Thus, I'm going to assume that we don't have one. I mean, I don't have one. Does she seriously want me to piss in her vagina? This woman actually wants me to turn her around, get her attention, and then when she's amply distracted start pissing directly in her vagina. I have a feeling she isn't going to like it as much as she claims.



9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.
Or while we're still in the hallway. I don't know what, if anything, happened between Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson in that elevator, but if Del Toro acted as if having sex with her right then and there was the only reason he was put on this planet, I could understand if she obliged. When a guy lusts after me so urgently that he can't even wait the 90 seconds it takes to get to the bed, it makes me feel like a movie star.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that with normal people. They get mad at me for not being able to control myself. I'm going to walk up to this chick and just expose myself and say "I can't wait any longer" and see if she gives me an HJ.



10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

Oh yeah. And after this, we can get down and dirty to a B.B. King record and maybe listen to Orson Welles on the radio. Wait...damn it! I can't find my black and white camera. Why black and white? I don't get it. The write-up does nothing to explain why it has to be black and white. Would infrared be ok? I could jack off to that.




11. Treat sex like a buffet.
Take breaks during intercourse to go back for appetizers. Too often, making out, manual stimulation, and breast caressing get cast aside when the more serious stuff starts. But without generous amounts of all three from start to finish, the female orgasm is infinitely harder to achieve.

Uhhh, I guess I eat differently at buffets than this chick. I don't even know what an appetizer is when I'm at the China Buffet. She wouldn't like me very much.



12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

That's all well and good, but I'm not going to pay you afterwards. Also, this seems difficult to pull off gracefully.



13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

I don't have 20 minutes to kill while you bite around like a retard trying to open my button with your teeth. Jeez, they are f-ing boxer shorts. Just pull them down and try not to get hit in the face.



14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

Yeah, because everybody loves this kind of behavior. They'll think that you are so lucky that they won't invite you out again. Get a fucking room, lady. Hey, why don't you jack me off under the table? Everybody will be so jealous.



15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

I wash my car once a month. It's probably not going to be very clean. And I'm not so sure you won't damage my paint job. Plus, when people eat apples, they stop and throw it away before eating the whole thing.




16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

Just for folding my T-shirts? Jeez, lady, just throw them on the ground then if you are going to be so demanding about it. I just cut the fucking grass and got covered in sweat and pheromones and now you are the one who needs rewarded because you did a little laundry?



17. Watch me shave my legs.
Offer to help me shave other places.

Absolutely not. I'm not going to shave your vagina for you, you sick freak. What if I cut you? What if I'm not very good at it because I've never actually shaved a vagina before? Do I ask you to help me shave my face? No. Because I'm not a paraplegic.




18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.

What are you, a 4 foot tall Asian woman? I'm not going to be able to hold you up and concentrate for that long, and I'm going to be too worried about balance to even enjoy it. What a demanding slut.



Seriously, I want to meet this lady and then just try some of this stuff and see if she goes for it. I'm guessing she's going to hit me. But then if I tackle her and grab her breasts, she'll know how much I care.

25 random places I'd like to put my penis

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