Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I'm sure that most of you are familiar with Urbandictionary.com, a site which tells you exactly what those crazy phrases the kids are using mean. Which is all well and good, or at least was, until the site became a haven for people to just put anything on there. A friend of mine mentions that she was about to name something a "singapore sling" (she names these things for work), but upon looking it up on Googs to see if anybody had ever used the name, saw that it was on Urban Dictionary and meant banging a Thai hooker and finding out that it's a dude.
So, whatever, Urban Dictionary. If you want to do stuff like that, I'm going to come up with my own things to add.
THE HUCKLEBERRY FINN - When you jizz into your own mouth and wash it down with grape Fanta.
THE CHROME DRAGON - Urinating all over your mousepad while purchasing wheel-cleaner online at Target.com.
THE SUEZ CANAL - Performed by inserting a classical violin into an Egyptian chick's vagina. In D major.
THE PORKCHOP DINNER - Shave all of your pubes with a Gillette razor and empty them into a used Altoids tin. Then use one of those little car fans to blow them all over some fat chick's face while she covers a U2 song on Guitar Hero.
THE WESTERN UNION - Mail yourself a model train set from a mailbox close to your house. Then stick a miniature Eiffel Tower replica up your ass until it bleeds. Allow the blood to fall into a graduated cylinder from the local high school science lab. If you can fill it up past 50 milliliters, you win. If not, set up the model train and tape your penis to the tracks (females can just sit on the tracks). Run the train on the highest available speed setting. Do this while wearing a Willis McGahee Buffalo Bills jersey.
THE MALAYSIAN FALCON - Put some Lupe Fiasco into your MP3 and wear some Koss-brand head phones. Proceed to circumcise yourself with opposite-handed scissors and see how many maple leaves you can collect and carry with the foreskin. The record in Saskatchewan is 3.6 ounces.
THE ICELAND LITERACY TEST - Park your late model Ford Taurus behind the neighborhood Barnes and Noble. Purchase a book from the Goosebumps series. Return to your car. Read the first couple of pages aloud while a hooker you picked up off of Craigslist flosses with your chest hair. Then pull her tampon out and use it as a bookmark.
So, there you go Urban Dictionary. Better add those to the list.