Thursday, September 24, 2009

Why Richard Wight Hates the Pittsburgh Steelers

Hey, Hines. What's up.

Ok, so this guy, this Richard Wight, he hates them Stillers. And yinz know that it's ok to hate them Stillers, but if you do and you type it out, it's my right as a God damn 'Merican to rain down on your ass with some words of my own, possibly insinuating that you like the taste of penises and that your family operates a Rimjob kiosk in East Liberty.

Let's go.

Over the last year or so, I have really developed an interest in the whole sports writing/blogging thing. I have tried to express my opinions in a professional manner in an attempt to build journalistic integrity.

I haven't noticed, because I don't waste my time at, but I'm sure that if I had I would have marveled at the way you've come out of your shell as an incoherent cactusfucker and developed into a cactusfucker with a solid grasp of the ways of journalism. I guess either way you really enjoy fucking a nice cactus.

However, for this post, forget all that stuff.

Oh, snap. Richard is getting sandlot on us.

Nobody is forcing you to read this. Consider yourself warned.

Hate this stupid school of thought. "Don't tell me how wrong I am, you didn't HAVE to read it and yet you did". That's great, Richard. I watched some millipedes fuck each other one time in the woods when I didn't have to. That didn't mean it was insightful. Hey guys, there's a picture of my cock next. You've been warned! Don't criticize it, you took the time to look at it!

Oh yeah. The Steelers. Carry on.

I don't like the Cleveland Browns, but at least I can be cordial if I see someone in a Brady Quinn jersey. We can exchange friendly barbs while maintaining our civility. I don't know, maybe I feel sorry for a grown man that barks like a dog when his team scores a touchdown.

That's probably because if you met a grown man in a Brady Quinn jersey, you are likely co-workers at the same dive bar glory hole. Whenever Richard Wight's team scores a touchdown he responds by reading a chapter of The Grapes of Wrath aloud to underprivileged 5th graders.

I hate the pittsburgh steelers.  I can't even bring myself to capitalize the name.  Why, you ask? Here are a few reasons...

Honestly, at this point I don't want to know why you hate the Steelers. I want to know why you don't capitalize the name. Did Mike Webster rape your dad?

Do you realize that the steelers did not win a playoff game until 1972? That is kind of ironic, considering they were founded in 1933. The irony comes in the fact that they began winning when the "juice" started flowing.  

My grandfather is PISSED that you would diss his beloved 1946 Steelers.

As an aside, there is nothing ironic about that. That is one of the worst uses of irony I've ever heard. It would be ironic if they were named the Pittsburgh Guys Who Win All The Time And Don't Need Steroids To Do It. Then it would be irony. And...fuck the steroids argument. Everyone was doing steroids then. They are still doing steroids. You know less about steroids than you do about irony, and that's saying something.

If you don't think the steelers were using steroids, take that stupid yellow towel and wipe the crap out of your eyes. The number of ex-steelers to die in the last 10 years is remarkable. Many of those have been players from the 1970s with heart problems. Coincidence?  I think not.

Well, focus on them, Richard. If you want to blame steroids for Justin Strelzyk driving into an oncoming tanker truck and for a tree falling on Steve Courson, then I'm going to blame the ongoing G20 protests on you molesting your daughter.

The Terrible Towel 
Speaking of that stupid yellow towel, is that the best you fools could come up with? Seriously? If you are a man with a job and family who somehow convinced a blind woman to marry you, why do you spend your Sunday waving a snot rag over your head?

I don't get it. You have a job, so you can't wave your flag? Is it supposed to be out of respect for your blind wife? I can't figure it out. Don't Packers fans wear cheese on their heads? Raiders fans wear spiked shoulder pads? Vikings fans dress like actual vikings? I believe that when the Jaguars score more than 28 points in a game, a live jaguar is circumcised at midfield by Jack Del Rio. 

A lady (sort of) that sits near me at work has one of those rags hanging in her cube. When I hit the lottery and tell them all to "take this job and shove it," I swear I am going to blow my nose in that stupid thing on way out the door.

It costs $2.99. What is your job that you can't afford $2.99 without winning the lottery? Do you work in Bangladesh? Now I see why you hate the Steelers. You must sew their jerseys!

The Players 
Ben Worthlessbooger is the most overrated player in the league. He is ugly and I hate him. I thought his looks would improve after smashing his face in the motorcycle accident. Nope.

No, he isn't. Love the nickname, though. It's clever. Especially coming from a guy who's phonebook listing would be "Wight, Dick".

I know he has denied the allegations of rape, but I seriously question the thought of any semi-intelligent woman with a decent set of spectacles would want to do the horizontal mambo with him.

Probably one that needs $2.99 for a terrible towel.

Everyone knows that Troy Polamalu looks like Michael Jackson. You know, like a woman. After seeing the stupid shampoo commercial, I now know that he sounds like MJ too. You know, like a woman. I hate him.

Seems to me like you hate women. You may want to get some counseling about that.

I hate Hines Ward. He cries about everything. He is not a good receiver. He is an idiot. I hate him. I would like nothing better than to see Rey Maualuga knock that disgusting smile from his face.  

Yeah, because we sure as fuck know that Keith Rivers ain't gonna do it.

I don't want to see anyone get hurt, but I wouldn't lose any sleep if he got his ugly face rearranged on Sunday.

Right, because you don't like, actually know him or anything.

The Hit 
I am not talking about a clean, hard hit on the field.  I am talking about the mafia-style hit that allowed these jerks to beat the Bengals in 2005.  When Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap rolled into Carson Palmer's knee, my hatred of this disgusting franchise grew to a new level.

Seriously? Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap? Humor is embarrassed right now and it's threatening to leave. I'm trying to console it. I'm trying to tell it that there aren't that many people like you out there and that it shouldn't get all bent out of shape when one person disrespects it like that. It's not listening and it just left. Damn it, Richard. Do you see what you are doing?!?!?!

The Fans 
Like I said before, most NFL fans can poke fun at each other at a sports bar and still have a good time. If these idiots are able to actually spit out a coherent thought, it most likely has something to do with the "one for the thumb" phrase they use every five seconds while waving that ridiculous yellow rag.

Hey idiot, one for the thumb was like, 4 years ago. But way to use the "omg Pittsburghers are so dumb!" angle. Clever. Fresh. SOOTHING. If humor were a yeast infection, Richard Wight would be like a 55-gallon drum of Vagisil.

After they put down there thumb and use their sleeve to wipe the hot sauce off of their face, the corresponding index finger is usually inserted into their nose. They don't wash their hands after they pee either.

HAHA they pick their nose all the time and then they touch their dicks and don't wash it off SO THEIR HANDS ARE ALWAYS COVERED IN PISS AND DICKS HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

They are the most vile people on the face of the earth. I hate them.

Take that, Sudanese refugees! Fuck Darfur. Ain't got nothin' on Steeler fans!

Besides, they don't even have any cheerleaders. Any woman that would shake her tookus for that team could probably start on the offensive line.

At least he realizes that the offensive line needs some help. Richard's idea of a hot woman lives in Cincinnati, so I'd take this sentence with a grain of retard.

I hate them.

Yeah, now let me hit some of that meth. WHO DEY?!?!?!


Grumpy said...

Great post. I especially like the phone book listing, Wright, Dick.

Rage said...

Nicely done, Vern. You should immediately check out a nice photo of the G20 protest being attended by a Pens fan with a replica cup. Awesomeness.

Rage said... Empty Netters blog. sorry