Friday, September 25, 2009

Disrespecting the Bengals

Uh oh, it's Bengals week! The Bengals! The gayest cats in the NFL, at least until 2012's expansion "Los Angeles Longhaired Tabbies"!

I forgot to disrespect the Bears last week, and look what happened. Jeff Reed shanked some kicks, Santonio Holmes dropped some passes, and James Harrison did not kill one single Asian family with his bare hands. Well, I'm not gonna make that mistake again. Fuck you, the Bengals. The trendy upset pick. But why? Because they almost beat a shoddy-looking Denver team? Because they did everything they could to lose to the Packers before getting saved by a false start penalty? The same Packers that were 8-8 last year and only beat Chicago by 1 IN SPITE OF GETTING FOUR INTERCEPTIONS!?!?!? Fuck that. Steelers beat these homos by 30.

But, just to try and keep it close, I'm going to throw out some stuff for the Bengal DISRESPECT BOARD!

Carson Palmer, you fucking idiot. Did you actually think this ad was going to just kind of slide by unnoticed? Whatever. It would have gotten even more play if you didn't start to suck immediately following Kemo ruining your knee back in aught six. Poor Carson. You could have been somebody! That could have been your Super Bowl! But, no, it's not, and you are relegated for playing a revamped, law-abiding team that chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season last year. But hey, bang-up job to start this season. 4 picks already. Looks like you are playing the role of the wise, wily veteran. Ike Taylor's open. Fuck. He dropped it. Try again.

Ochocinco. Where to start. You couldn't even change your name correctly! I hope you respond to this via Twitter. And I hope that when you say you are "Twittering" that it doesn't have anything to do with 12-year old girls, although that's suspect. Anyway, huge 55 catch season last year. You're still a huge weapon. Averaging like 8 yards a game career against Pittsburgh. You beat a horse in a race but had about a 100-yard head start. Who would be proud of that? "Hey, I just beat Carson Palmer in a race jacking off dudes, and he only spotted me 10 dicks!". Wow. Congrats. You're Ochocinco.

Keith Rivers! I bet your jaw is still too sore to blow Hines Ward, but unfortunately I don't believe you'll have a choice. It was nice of your fellow linebackers to stand up for you, though. They are still coming to get you, Hines! Watch out! At least you'll have some help from an old teammate...

Rey Maualuga! I'm sorry, Rey, but no one is asking about your hair with their eyes. I'm sure you wash and conidition, though. I wouldn't ever doubt that and I'm sorry if I insinuated as much. Whatever. Who cares about Rey Maualuga?

Marvin Motherfucking Lewis. The general. The warden, as he's been called. Because Bengals in jail! jokes are funny. They are the new Bengals really suck at football! jokes. However, both are applicable now. You must be really proud, Marvin. You defensive guru, you. Anybody could be a defensive guru coming from Baltimore. However, your defense continues to consistently suck, to the point where holding Green Bay to 28 marks like a renaissance year or something like that. That's not good. The defense is not "back". Antwan Odom had 5 sacks because nobody touched him. He's like a bargain-bin Joey Porter. Those two would wreak some serious havoc together, provided nobody touches either of them. Fuck you.

Fuck you all, The Bengals. You suck, you have sucked, and you always will suck. On the field, in the shower, everywhere. Homos.