Wednesday, February 11, 2009

If this was Rihanna, then I understand where Chris Brown was coming from

I was randomly browsing Facebook today. I know. FUCKING CRAZY! I'm a wild man. But apparently not wild enough for a certain chick in this world who wrote out a list of her fantasies on Men's Health. Credit time: I found this list through Wrap Around Curl's post on this website. Sweeeeet. I love how the internets make me call people by their fake names. Just like on XBox Live where I had to tell a dude "come revive me, Protect My Balls!". "YOU TELL 'EM VERN!". Jeez. Anyway, on to this whore.

1. Shower before bed.
Seeing you emerge from a steamy bathroom with droplets of water clinging to your biceps makes me want to dry you off with my tongue. That includes all those soft, warm, sensitive places—but only when they're Zestfully clean.

Whatever, that's harmless enough, I guess. And I can't blame her, as I do have some sweet rippling biceps.

2. Talk dirtier.
Much dirtier. Trot out a variety of nasty words one night, and if I grunt and moan in agreement, kick it up a notch. When I respond with total silence, dial it back down.

I refuse to do this. I'm not good at it. I'm not going to sit there and say "I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU SO HARD IN YOUR ASS-SUCKING MOUTH YOU COCK-SEAMSTRESS!". I don't even know what a cock-seamstress is. This is just weird. I don't like it. I remember one time some chick (I remember who it was, but I'm not going to name her here) said "don't stop f-ing me"...well, she didn't just say the letter f. And while I didn't say anything, I thought..."good timing. I was juuuuust about to stop f-ing you like, right there. Until you told me not to". In hindsight I should have said that. And it would have sparked a lolgasm.


3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

Uhhh...first of all, I live in an apartment. If I'm mowing the lawn, that means I just got fired from my job recently. Secondly, I usually have grass clippings on me when I do. I'm not doing anything to you until I've showered. Fresh-cut grass does smell like pheromones. That's why you don't see any women fucking piles of grass.

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

If I did ask this, it would be a joke. And it wouldn't be very funny. And then if you did it, I'd probably leave. Because you are f-ing weird. My old roommate probably would have been one to do this. And she was weird. Frighteningly weird. Am I your gynecologist?

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

I do this to complete strangers.

6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.
But say that you did this with/to me in a dream. That'll allow me to maintain the illusion that it isn't something you used to do with an ex-hookup, or an idea you picked up from porn. I might not agree to reenact it, but hearing about it will make me feel like your naughty little confidante, which is very hot. Bonus: It'll give me the courage to tell you mine.

Jeez, what wouldn't I learn from porn? It's 2009. Everything has been done and then recorded a hundred times over. How creative am I supposed to get here? "Hey, you wanna try something new? I'm going to stand on the ground. Now do a handstand on my bed and let me fuck you in the eye". Plus, I don't care if you have crazy fantasies. I'd actually rather have them tame, like "yeah, my fantasy is giving you a BJ". I'd be so down.

7. Read up on sex.
There are books on boinking that are worth the embarrassment of buying them. Like Ian Kerner's She Comes First, for example. It's a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning. Yes, you're an amazing lover already, but Kerner has a Ph.D. for a reason.

How about I don't and I'll just cook my own pancakes. Plus, I know of no college that offers a Ph. D. course in cunnilingus.

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

This one was the impetus for this whole post. What the hell is this? How many showers have hand-held spray nozzle things? I'm guessing more don't than do, unless we're banging it out at a high school in the handicap shower. Thus, I'm going to assume that we don't have one. I mean, I don't have one. Does she seriously want me to piss in her vagina? This woman actually wants me to turn her around, get her attention, and then when she's amply distracted start pissing directly in her vagina. I have a feeling she isn't going to like it as much as she claims.

9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.
Or while we're still in the hallway. I don't know what, if anything, happened between Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson in that elevator, but if Del Toro acted as if having sex with her right then and there was the only reason he was put on this planet, I could understand if she obliged. When a guy lusts after me so urgently that he can't even wait the 90 seconds it takes to get to the bed, it makes me feel like a movie star.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that with normal people. They get mad at me for not being able to control myself. I'm going to walk up to this chick and just expose myself and say "I can't wait any longer" and see if she gives me an HJ.

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

Oh yeah. And after this, we can get down and dirty to a B.B. King record and maybe listen to Orson Welles on the radio. Wait...damn it! I can't find my black and white camera. Why black and white? I don't get it. The write-up does nothing to explain why it has to be black and white. Would infrared be ok? I could jack off to that.

11. Treat sex like a buffet.
Take breaks during intercourse to go back for appetizers. Too often, making out, manual stimulation, and breast caressing get cast aside when the more serious stuff starts. But without generous amounts of all three from start to finish, the female orgasm is infinitely harder to achieve.

Uhhh, I guess I eat differently at buffets than this chick. I don't even know what an appetizer is when I'm at the China Buffet. She wouldn't like me very much.

12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

That's all well and good, but I'm not going to pay you afterwards. Also, this seems difficult to pull off gracefully.

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

I don't have 20 minutes to kill while you bite around like a retard trying to open my button with your teeth. Jeez, they are f-ing boxer shorts. Just pull them down and try not to get hit in the face.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

Yeah, because everybody loves this kind of behavior. They'll think that you are so lucky that they won't invite you out again. Get a fucking room, lady. Hey, why don't you jack me off under the table? Everybody will be so jealous.

15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

I wash my car once a month. It's probably not going to be very clean. And I'm not so sure you won't damage my paint job. Plus, when people eat apples, they stop and throw it away before eating the whole thing.

16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

Just for folding my T-shirts? Jeez, lady, just throw them on the ground then if you are going to be so demanding about it. I just cut the fucking grass and got covered in sweat and pheromones and now you are the one who needs rewarded because you did a little laundry?

17. Watch me shave my legs.
Offer to help me shave other places.

Absolutely not. I'm not going to shave your vagina for you, you sick freak. What if I cut you? What if I'm not very good at it because I've never actually shaved a vagina before? Do I ask you to help me shave my face? No. Because I'm not a paraplegic.

18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.

What are you, a 4 foot tall Asian woman? I'm not going to be able to hold you up and concentrate for that long, and I'm going to be too worried about balance to even enjoy it. What a demanding slut.

Seriously, I want to meet this lady and then just try some of this stuff and see if she goes for it. I'm guessing she's going to hit me. But then if I tackle her and grab her breasts, she'll know how much I care.


tecmo said...

I just cut the fucking grass and got covered in sweat and pheremones and now you are the one who needs rewarded because you did a little laundry?


Symo said...

If it flies fucks or floats, rent it.

Vern said...

The worst part, Tec, is that you just alerted me that I spelled pheromones wrong. F grammar and spelling.

verndoesntunderstandgerunds said...

i would totally f grammar is I could.

verndoesntunderstandgerunds said...

well, that's somewhat ironic.

wrap around curl said...

I had a similar reaction to this nonsense. Also, since when is 69 such a out there thing? I thought it was standard. That must make me a harlot.

Vern said...

It indeed is, AB. And to use a gerund, stop gaying up my post.

WAC, in regards to 69-ing, I guess it isn't, which would explain the need for inversion. I guess it would be like "missionary is too let's do it on a conveyor belt!'.

tecmo said...

Hahaha, didn't even realize that. I'm unintentionally useful as shit.

Rage said...

Man, I love you guys.

The scary part? I'd rock that bitch, but that whole 69 thing is too freaky. lololol

Take it slut.


Rage said...

Man, I love you guys.

The scary part? I'd rock that bitch, but that whole 69 thing is too freaky. lololol

Take it slut.


You said gerund. nerd

My word verification? fecoment-talk about freaky...coprophages

White But Still Hip said...

At least 200 of these lists come out a year and they all terrible. This broad can't orgasm unless that shit happens? Was she molested as a child? By a chainsaw?
Easiest way to get a girl off: rub her clit for like three minutes. It's boring as fuck and awkward, and you will lose your erection, but eventually she'll get off and sucka suck on the deerk. Assholes that read and believe this shit deserve the crazy, high-maintenance women they end up marrying. Dorks.

Boxcar Fritz said...