Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Chris Brown and Rihanna and herpes and AIDS
If you make a quick visit to the Googles, you can find all kinds of rumors about why a clean-cut Wrigley's gum-chewing pop-star like Chris Brown would beat the absolute fuck out of Rihanna, rumors saying she threw his keys out of the car and he couldn't find them to she gave him herpes and even to her giving him the motherfucking HIV. The HIV! I think I even saw an article that suggested that Chris Brown actually got the HIV from fucking the exhumed corpse of Rock Hudson. I can't put too much credence in that one.
But this issue must be settled here at YLOTILAB, as I am known for having one of the most comprehensive and cutting edge entertainment blogs this side of Perez Hilton. When Nicole Richie fucks her next door neighbor's uncle, I know about before she can even set up an appointment for the abortion. Because I AM THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY, BITCHES. I am so deep in these starlet's vaginas you'd think I was a gynecologist to the stars. I'm joking. I hate famous people and their gay dogs.
But this is different. Because this is awesome.
Scouring the webs, you can find a few places detailing the herpes link and even AIDS (this person and her "frin" had been talking about it) and one of Jay-Z claiming that he is a "walking dead man". Now hold the fuck on here...what the hell is Jay-Z going to do to him? Shoot him 6 times in a song featuring Beyonce? I hope he battle raps against Chris Brown and then Chris Brown freestyle battle-R&Bs him back just like old-school Akon. I get a figurative erection just thinking about it.
Regardless, I want to make this into some kind of meme. And I'm trying, but so far there are no takers. No one thinks Chris Brown punched Rihanna in the babymaker because she gave him lupus. But fuck that, I'm not quitting just yet. Hopefully the media picks up one of these tips:
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she gave him malaria.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she gave him skin cancer.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because no matter how many times he asked her what the hell the word "disturbia" meant she wouldn't tell him.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she gave him leprosy.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna purely for streed cred.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because no one under the umbrella-ella-ella was making him a sandwich.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she wouldn't share any of her McNuggets.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna to show Scooter Smiff how to deal with his bitches.
- Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she sold all of his rollover minutes at a yard sale.
I'm sure there's got to be some more possible reasons here. Anybody?