Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mentoring


Thank God it's the offseason! No football to worry about anymore. Gotta update my Myspace.



That felt better than getting a BJ while drinking Patron straight from the bottle. Ahh, fuck it. It's the offseason. I'm gonna make myself a shot.


Yessssss that was awesome. I make great drinks. I should have been a bartender.

(Depeche Mode music begins to play)

*All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is heeeeeeerrrrreeee, in my armmmmsssss...*



Yo, it's Vince.


Vince, I hear you missed the counseling appointment we set up for you today. You aren't going to get out of this depression if you don't make an effort.


But coach, I'm not sad anymore.


Vince, you see we've....wait, what? Did you just say you aren't sad anymore?



Yeah coach. I'm happy now.



What? That's great! What happened?



The season's over, coach.


*sighs*...Vince, there's going to be a next season. We need to get you back to normal so that you can get out on the field next year.


*singing*

And I'll tell myself, I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of fishbowl drinking


Vince, it's "wishful thinking". King of wishful thinking.


Nah coach, I'm drinking one of those fishbowls full of liquor. I tied it to my fucking chain and shit.


God damn it, Vince...just don't kill yourself, ok?


Aight.

*hangs up*

Coach is a fuckin' douche. This fishbowl is fuckin' tight! I'm just gonna get hammered all offseason and not have to worry about all those redneck pricks booing me and shit during the games. Fuck Kerry Collins, man, I'm Vince Young. I just win. I just fuckin' win.


Limas Sweed: Hey, Vince.



Limas! What's up, man?

*goes into dream sequence*


*calls out like announcer*

Vince Young drops back, here he is, QB at Texas, everyone loves him, he can do no wrong, he looks left, no ones open....looks right....no one available...goes back left, scrambles, evades the sack! Vince Young evades the sack! He throws to Sweed...


*still in announcer voice*

Sweed's got it! Sweed makes the catch! Texas wins! The crowd is going wild! They are chanting VINCE VINCE VINCE! Look at those coeds! They are out on the field! THEY ARE SUCKING VINCE'S DICK!!! LOOK AT THOSE HOES SUCK!!!!!!!!


VINCE! Snap out of it, man! I just came to get some advice.


Whatchu need, man?


You heard, didn't you? They hate me in Pittsburgh, man. I'm dropping passes and can't seem to make the plays that I'm used to making. I'm getting booed, man. It hurts. What can I do to make them like me? I know you just win, Vince. They always talk about you on ESPN, man.


Oh yeah, dawg? That's sweet. Limas, just say "fuck it".


Fuck it?


Yeah dude, fuck it. Just fuck it. Like, you know, you shouldn't even care about the fans, man. I remember when I was a rookie...or maybe a second year player or something....but there was this game and....wait, was it a game or a practice? I think it was....oh, fuck it. I don't even care. Whatever.



Uhhhh...you don't remember? You just don't care?



Nah, dude. Fuck it, man. I don't care. You want a fishbowl?


Uhhh, no thanks, Vince. I'll pass.



Nah, man. Take the fishbowl. I'll just hit this Patron.


...fuck it.


There you go, buddy. That's the spirit.

4 comments:

Symo said...

This vein just keeps producing gold. God I love these posts. Thanks.

Vern said...

Thanks! I actually didn't think it was very good and had no idea where I was going with it. I only posted it cause it's been a couple days.

But now I'm pumped up.

Lori said...

beautifullll

Symo said...

I think you and Lori should do a sitcom. I'll sell it to HBO, 'cause there's no way it'd be clean.