Friday, February 27, 2009

The Afterlife


I've always heard stuff like, you know, when Kurt Busch's entire family is killed by polar bears and he wins the Enzyte 500 and says "I know that my entire bear-murdered family was up there watching over me and making this happen", and it has made me wonder.

Do they watch everything? And is it just your family members allowed to watch?

For example, one night during my sophomore year of college I had partaken in the drank and woke up the following morning to realize that I had pissed all over myself. It sucked. Covered in piss is no way to wake up in the mornings. But, to make it worse...was my grandma watching? Was she like, "God damn it...my idiot grandson just pissed all over himself" and saying stuff like "I don't even know who that is" when James Morrison asks her? I'd feel horrible if I let my grandma down while she was watching me piss all over myself.

And, say you are with some random chick, and you pull out and put it on her face. Is Abraham Lincoln watching? I just think that would be weird, however, at the same time I'd really like to perform for Lincoln. I wouldn't want to let him down. It leaves quite a dilemma if one day when I die of a PBR overdose in 4 years, I am faced with the choice of watching people bang it out and stuff like that. Because while that may be cool at first, it would get annoying because I wouldn't really be able to do anything for myself. Plus, I might pick the wrong place and see some weird person shove toothbrushes up their ass or something like that. You know those weird people are out there. Then I'd have to watch their roommate brush their teeth with it. SICK! You citizens of Earth are sick.

It also leaves for some legal grey areas. What if someone who died of skin rabies at 27 is caught watching a 16-year old on Earth showering? Is that still a crime? What if you accidentally see it? As far as I can tell, no precendents have been set. Not saying I'm going to be the first, you sick fucks. I'm just going to watch cougars. It will be my own personal zoo for private viewing.

So please don't piss on yourselves, because Rutherford B. Hayes could be watching.

2 comments:

eyebleaf said...

You, my friend, are a character.

Symo said...

Yeah, this puts a whole new perspective on the afterlife doesn't it? Well, don't worry Vern, I've been thinking about this for years.

First of all, it wouldn't be called Heaven if you had the ability to watch everything that happened in the living world. The reason? Because it would suck. What could be so interesting about 'living' people anyway? You're in paradise. And to me, paradise is too good to be watching the "mortals". (I'm talkin' 3 Shania Twain's worth of too good) Pssh. My version of paradise is waaay more interesting than anything I could see or do on this mortal coil.

Secondly, if it were "Heaven", then why would the noobs be subjected to being tortured by their earthly past? That's not very heavenly.

Third, and finally, if you're doing stuff that would be frowned upon up high, well, bring marshmallows with you. Lots of them. Prolly some hotdogs too. Maybe I should have them bury me with some tenderloin or porterhouse. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Besides, we're just a bunch of organic 1's and 0's bud. The good news? If your unique combination of DNA is what makes you "you", then it WILL happen again, eventually.

Too deep. Need pot. And beer.