Thursday, February 5, 2009
Martin Cizmar's Comedy Corner!!!
I believe that large man in the picture above is Martin Cizmar, and even if I am incorrect in this assumption I'm just going to pretend that it's him. Regardless, the man is not important because of his visage, but instead because of the lolzy comedy writing he did for the Phoenix News before the recent Super Bowl. Martin is the kind of guy who wakes up and immediately pours some Lolgers into his cup. The kind of guy who used to scare himself straight watching Loltergeist. The kind of guy who immediately upon starting a Madden franchise changes Kyle Boller's name to Kyle Loller. That kind of guy. Let's see what he has to send us all into lolspasms.
As a Cleveland Browns fan, I've spent lots of time trash-talking Steelers faithful.
I can't wait. Let's see what you can come up with.
Cardinals fans are, mostly, peaceful people, unaccustomed to the level of hostility they'll encounter in any run-in with members of the yellow-and black brigade.
Cardinals fans are, for the most part, very grandmotherly creatures. They are likely to be caught off guard by fans of an opposing team attempting to insult the team that they themselves are fans of.
Here are some insults you can use so you don't resort to taunting them about the weather like a fucking idiot:
Oh snap, Martin. Let's see if you can make my grandma into something other than a fucking idiot.
"Hey, glad they let you off your shift in the coal mine to watch this game! You must have seniority!"
HA! Fucking ha, Martin! BURN! Because we used to make steel in the '60s! From Monday through Friday! Which would give even the steel-making interns the day off! STEEL! RUST!
"Iron City's the shittiest beer ever brewed, perfect for washing down those French fry sandwiches at Primanti Brothers."
Oh no. Martin went there. Making fun of a beer that people already recognize is not the greatest beer. And get this...you can wash down those barroom sandwiches with this domestic bar-type beer every time you go to a bar!
"You know what separates Cardinals fans from Steelers fans?" Then, open your mouth, point to your teeth and say, "They're all real, baby!"
Uh oh. The tooth joke. The fucking tooth joke. FRESH. It's like you picked these jokes up at a farmer's market, Marty. Because in Pittsburgh, we don't have our teeth. Because we don't have toothbrushes. This is opposed to Arizonans, who despite averaging a cool 107 years of age have teeth that would make Joe Biden jealous.
"Did you borrow those pants from Kordell?" (Steelers fans get fightin' mad when you invoke Kordell Stewart, the former Steelers QB who was long rumored to be gay, even though he denies it and is married).
Holy fuck do we hate gays. And blacks. Especially a gay black quarterback. Sure to rile me up if I ever decide to go out while wearing football pants. Also, Charlie Crist and Rock Hudson were both married. I bet you are, too.
"Man, Willie Parker's running well. Your uncle Billy Bob must have cooked him up some of the good meth before the game!"
Wow. I don't even know where to start here. Arizona is one of the methiest states in the motherfucking union, Martin. Think I'm making that up? No. I did what we in the backwoods hickwater town of Pittsburgh refer to as a "Google Search". Here, check it out for yourself. I'll even post the graphic here:
That graphic lists the percentage of people aged 12 and up who reported meth use in 2004 and 2005. Look at your bright meth-magenta colored state there, Martin. And that doesn't even include all the 6 year olds who are presumably getting an early start in chemistry. Also, meth would not help a running back perform. It would actually likely impede his performance. And, Jamal Lewis went to jail for selling coke.
"Did yinz see that? Did yinz see that? Wow, I hope yinz saw Larry "Sticky Fingers" Fitzgerald catch that ball!"
Yinz! Wow. All you drunken Native Americans can have a field day in your adobe huts making fun of the work "yinz". It's comedic gold. Never been done before. "I wish I had thought of it first", somebody once said about making fun of "yinz" in 1927.
"Is that one of them official Terrible Towels or just the rag your mother uses to mop up the video booth after her shift?"
No, that's a Shamwow. It's much more absorbent than a terrible towel.
"How many generations of inbreeding do you think it took Bill Cowher's family to get a kid with a chin like his?" (Cowher's no longer the Steelers' coach, but he won the last Super Bowl and is God in P-burgh.)
People don't care that much about Cowher. The new head coach goes by the name "Mike". I'm currently doing some research to determine whether inbreeding is considered to be partly responsible for prominent chins, but I'm hitting a bit of a wall because I can't read.
"Big Ben's not gonna to remember his mama's face if he takes another big hit. He'll be hugging the first wrinkled skank in cut-offs he sees."
No....Big Ben gets hit a lot joke! Where do you get this fucking stuff? Oh, Mark Schlereth mentioned it on Sunday Night Countdown in week 3. Fair enough.
"You're drinking beer out of a cup? Security must've taken your Mason jar."
Ha! Take that, Pittsburg, Arkansas! I have never ever even seen a Mason jar in Pittsburgh.
"Don't go back to your car; I heard 'Dookie' Davenport's in there!" (Former Steelers running back Najeh Davenport did community service after he was charged with breaking in to a sleeping coed's dorm room and taking a dump in her closet.)
HA! Najeh Davenport dueced in your car! Jokes that you have to consistently explain kill! THEY FUCKING KILL! I heard Scott Peterson told a bunch of them to Laci.
"Man, I'm surprised you can cheer so loud with black lung!" (Any authentic Steelers fan's got at least a cousin or two who's died from the terrible disease.)
Uhhhh....maybe, MAYBE, if you wrote this column in 1948 this would be true. But, you know, there are safety measures and stuff to make sure every steel worker doesn't die of the terrible black lung.
But whatevs. Let me give you some pointers, Arizonans. Some insults to use just in case you come across Marty Cizmar and don't want to look like a fucking idiot:
- "Hey Marty, maybe you should wear a white shirt next time so the stains aren't as visible when you are lactating."
- "Marty, maybe you would sell more girl scout cookies if you let your daughter wear the uniform instead."
- "Hey Martin, nice beard. Do you think I would be hotter if I was Jon Benet Ramsey?"
- "Martin, you should probably lose some weight. You look like a bukkake circle."
- "Martin, I can't find my couch. Where did you get that shirt?"
- "Marty, even anorexia can't make a girl look as skinny as standing next to you can."
Really, Martin. Cleveland? Pittsburgh without the actual historical significance? The Browns? I don't even need to make fun of the Browns. You'd already look like an idiot once you put their jersey on.
Thanks to Cotter at One For The Thumb for the heads up.