Thursday, March 26, 2009

Wordpress's advice 2: THE LIST!


He's makin' a list...he's checkin' it twice...it's the top 30 ways that you can skullfuck a deer...

Wait. Those might not be the correct lyrics. Anyway, Wordpress told me a couple weeks ago that if I got stuck in a rut blogwise, they had 10 suggestions to pull up a creative truck and clever-winch me out. Suggestion two was to make a list...because even though you have nothing in your head to write about, you can certainly put that nothingness in list form!

So, first order of business is to come up with a list. Second order of business is to write it. That pretty much covers all orders of business involved in this task. Ok.

Let's list a bunch of the moves that I like to make in a chess game.


MOVE 1: MOVING THE HORSE AND THEN KILLING PEOPLE WITH IT

I love to move the horse. He can fucking jump over people! Unfortunately, his one leg is apparently really messed up and he always ends up leaning to the left or right. Sometimes, people are in the way of this lean and he freaking kills them. I love to make horse noises while I move the horse. In fact, I am going to make noises when I move every piece on the chess board. Moving the horse while making horse noises and killing somebody is one of the most satisfying things in life, right up there with making the final payment on a car loan and placing your balls into a vat of petroleum jelly.


MOVE 2: TURNING A PAWN INTO A HORSE

Pawns! Pawns sure are some little bitch fake gangsters, but they are gangsters nonetheless and can only kill diagonally because they hold their guns sideways with that gangster tilt. Sometimes they get a little hop in their step and can start off by moving two spaces ahead, but then they are quickly intimidated by the other pieces and can only move one space ahead. However, if they reach the promised land, they can metamorphisize into a queen or a priest or EVEN ANOTHER HORSE! It's like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, or like an alcoholic door-to-door vacuum salesman turning into a homeless guy.


MOVE 3: MOVING THE KING IN ANY DIRECTION

Holy hell is the king a beast. HE CAN MOVE IN ANY DIRECTION! You may be like, "yeah, but he can only move one space, while the queen can move as far as she wants", and I would slap you and tell you to keep your dirty feminist mouth shut. The queen only does that because the king tells that bitch to do it. Meanwhile, the king moves one space and he's like "fuck this, I'm the damn king. I'm just gonna chill", while everybody else does all the work. Everytime I move the king I feel like a captain of industry. It makes me harder than black-on-blonde anime porn.


MOVE 4: MOLESTING OTHER PIECES WITH THE PRIEST

I love to molest other pieces that get in my path with the bishop. The priest. The ruthless chess molester that can only move diagonally because he's drunk as hell off wine. And everytime an opposing underage male piece finds itself in his stumbling drunken path, that piece is then thoroughly molested. The priest initially cons the piece into sampling some wine and moving to the priest's "office" for "friendly advice" and before long, the priest is fondling that piece into submission. This is a great way to not only capture pieces but also to damage your opponent's morale.


MOVE 5: NOT TAKING WORDPRESS'S ADVICE

Thanks a lot, Wordpress. You really know how to make ideas pop. Homos.

4 comments:

White But Still Hip said...

To be fair, this was a good update.

Symo said...

Not as stellar as the Venn diagram, perhaps you can make a chess set out of diversified penises?

Vern said...

Shhhhh, I'm thinking about copyrighting that chess set.

howard in nyc said...

so now everytime i move the horse and make a horse noise, do i owe you a royalty? even if i just do it in my head?