Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Argument that chaps my balls: Play on words edition!
Lance Armstrong. Yeah, American hero and what not, beat cancer like it was Rihanna's face, has one ball. Great story.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't chap my ball(s) when people say "he's done more with one ball than you and I have done with two!". Well, yeah. He's much better at biking than me, yet I have twice the amount of testicles that he has.
Who the fuck cares? What do testes have to do with biking? And how is only having one ball not an advantage? I can't see how it hurts, at the very least. I mean, that's one less ball to get in the way of his pedaling. No one ever attributed a great stage in the Tour de France to having an abnormally large set of balls.
I just don't get it. Do you get bonus points for symmetry in the Tour? Or maybe you get time added if you can't give a good facial after you cross the finish line? I can't figure it out. Sure, I mean, it's a great story, yeah. I get that. And he's a hell of a worker. But that has nothing to do with Lance Armstrong having one ball, or everyone else having two, or Peter North planning on participating in the 2009 Tour de France.
If Lance deserves mad props for biking with one ball, then the following must also be worthy of praise:
- Paul Newman was able to create a large charitable foundation that benefited countless people in need in spite of his colorblindness.
- 50 Cent was able to rise to his current position as a high-profile rap artist despite having sold drugs as a youth.
- Joe Paterno, in spite of his age, was able to sit in a press box last year as his assistant coaches called all the plays.
- Zinedane Zidane will go down as one of the best soccer players in the history of the sport despite the fact that he lost his hair.
- Emmitt Smith secured the NFL all-time rushing title while fighting a lifelong battle with proper speech and grammar.
- Even though he is Japanese, Takeru Kobayashi was able to eat a fuckload of hotdogs.
- I was able to write this EVEN THOUGH I am currently at work. Wow. Fucking praise me, dicksicles.