Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Fuck it. I'll jack off the ducks.


Look at those gay ducks. Just gayin' it up, staring at each other's duckwangs.

Unfortunately, they are the last male ducks of their kind in the UK. And it is imperative to the survival of this gay species of duck that one of these ducks knocks up a female duck. But they won't, because they are too busy blowing each other. Stupid gay ducks.

So, the nature people have apparently given up and are resigning themselves to the fact that these ducks are probably not long for existence in the UK. Which begs the question...why? Can't one of you cocksmokers go in there and jack off a duck? Please. We can clone sheep but we can't jack off ducks? You scientists can't artificially inseminate the chick duck? You people are f-ing worthless. THESE ARE THE LAST DUCKS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!!!! You can't give up on them now, after all of the work that you've done to keep them alive.

You know what? Fuck it. I'll jack off the ducks.

If you people care enough to go through this, then it has to be worth something significant to you. How's $50,000 US? Is it worth the continued existence of your precious gay ducks? Sold. I'll be there tonight. And I will stroke the fuck out of this duck's wang. This duck will be shooting like an crazy Alabama gunman after I'm done with him. I will be the fucking Roger Maris of single-season duck fluffing. I WILL PERSONALLY ENSURE THE CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THIS SPECIES. And for what price? Please. 50 G's. Not much to ask for someone to perform miracles in nature, right? Because that's what I'll do. Tell these gay ducks to limber up.

You see my email up there, British conversation scientists. Get in touch with me. Time is of the utmost importance, so hurry the fuck up. It's time to jack off some ducks.

6 comments:

Cotter said...

I know a chick down in Chinatown that says she'd do it for $50. Can you match that?

eyebleaf said...

Vern, the sacrifice you're willing to make is a lesson to us all.

If there were more Vern's in the world...I won't finish my thought.

Cotter said...

Oh, and when you're done with those ducks...

Vern said...

How much you got?

vernjerksducks said...

duckwangs is the riot.

johnny said...

Vern,

You won't even need to jack the ducks off. Since birds do it "cloaca to cloaca," you just have to rub them together, kind of like lesbian scissoring.