Monday, March 2, 2009


By Peter King -

The seas can be a metaphor for football. Just as in the seas, teams in the NFL rise and fall with a sort of unpredictable regularity. Rapidly forming storms can destroy what was once a calm ocean of a season, minus the fact that you can't drink the water because it tastes saltier than Brett Favre's "4 Juice".

However, sometimes in the real seas, you can fall off of a boat and drown. Oakland's Marquise Cooper and Detroit's Corey Smith may have suffered this fate as the boat they were boating on was lost at sea on the Gulf over the weekend. And these are two very well respected young men, as I can attest to from experience.

Some time around 2004, when the two men were teammates with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I had the pleasure of talking to them for approximately 35 minutes on Jeff Garcia's shower habits. Cooper laughed and noted that Garcia was notorious around One Buc Place for his impeccable genital-grooming habits and extremely well-manicured strips of red pubic hair around his penis. Smith swore up and down while signing footballs for some children at camp that Garcia wears a custom-made merkin because "no human being can trim their pubes that precisely". Smith heroically did not complain at all about having to sign footballs for the kids for 30 minutes, despite the fact that it was hotter than Hades out there in the Tampa sun and the kids were spitting on him. It would truly be a shame to lose these men at an age far to young for men to be lost.

It just serves to remind us all that we need to respect the seas.

Peter King is intrigued by Jeff Garcia's pubic upkeep.

That being said, the offseason has shaped up to be as wild as the aforementioned seas. Where else other than the NFL would Bart Scott, a linebacker, be paid millions of dollars to tackle human beings? "I have no...what?", Scott mentioned when I initiated a gchat yesterday. "Uhh, I guess no other sport?". I simply responded with "just makin' a joke Bart :)", after which we shared a few more lines of text before his status changed to "busy". And of course, Bart is going to be busy preparing to play in New York this season under his old DC Rex Ryan. Good signing, the Jets. You got yourselves a real busy bee of a linebacker.

But perhaps even crazier was what happened between Kansas City and New England. Last year's sensation Matt Cassel was traded to Kansas City along with Mike Vrabel for nothing more than the 34th overall pick in the upcoming draft, a small price to pay for a signal-caller who proved himself one of the league's best over the last season. Where else but America can a guy one day be a Patriot and then the next day be some sort of Indian? GM Scott Pioli really pulled off a heist getting Cassel and Vrabel for the 34th overall pick, although with Bill Belichick on the other side you can never be certain. Could Cassel have AIDS? "We have no record of Matt Cassel having AIDS", said Sherry, a receptionist at a Boston-area family planning center that I called over the weekend. A call to Cassel himself was unreturned. Matt, just a helpful Peter King hint, you should really come out and respond to my calls if you have nothing to hide. Or do you?

Could Matt Cassel be playing with AIDS?

Even stranger happenings may have transpirted in Denver under new head coach and Belichick disciple Josh McDaniels. Rumor has it that Denver, even with current Pro Bowl QB Jay Cutler, interjected themselves into the Cassel sweepstakes in a trade that would have sent Cassel to Denver, Cutler to Tampa, and Bucs draft picks to New England. McDaniels denies that this happened, but Cutler has a different view of the story. I randomly showed up at his front door yesterday and after convincing him not to call the police, I managed to chat with him for a few minutes. "Yeah, man, I mean, whatever. It's not a huge deal, but it's kind of fucked up. I mean, a little bit. Kind of. Man, if they don't want me, that's like, I mean, that's fine. It's the business, I guess". I was then escorted off of the premises.


1. I think that the Denver Broncos really messed up by shopping Jay Cutler around to get Matt Cassel.

a. But I see where they were coming from.

ab. But still.

2. I think Brett Favre can still play in this league.

q. But I think he's for real when he says he's done.

&. The Jets are going to have a hard time replacing a legend at QB.

*. I think the Jets should play the upcoming preseason games in Wrangler jeans as a tribute.

3. I think my daughter wants to fuck Asante Samuel.

4. Are you kidding me, Steelers? James Harrison wants a new contract, and he deserves it. Pay the man.

~. Unless he's asking for too much, in which case you can't pay him.

5. Seriously, how funny-shaped are footballs? Like, they aren't really even balls.

a. Trust me, I know balls.

6. I think the Lions will win more games next year than they did this year.

7. I think Albert Haynesworth is pretty hot for a defensive tackle.

8. Sage Rosenfels is an instant upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson in Minnesota.

a. It's not an upgrade just because Jackson is black.

z. It's because he's black and sucks at football.

zzzz. I still wish the Vikings would have waited until Black History Month was over to make this trade and piss right in the face of their black QB.

growllll. Still, it's not because he's black. It's because he sucks.

Tarvaris Jackson is a God-awful football player.

9. I think I should mention that I have the solution to the NFL's overtime rules again.

paws. Just give each team one possession, and then if they are still tied it's sudden death from there.

penises. Sure, it's still unfair, but not as unfair, I don't think.

#. It's fair enough. I think it's genius. Roger Goodell, are you reading this?

i. I like you, Roger.

10. Note to the Lions: If you pick a QB of the future with the first overall pick, be careful with him.

a. Like seriously, don't fuck him in the shower and shit like that.

b. He's not going to be effective on the field if you gang-rape him in the shower.

Jay Fiedler. Trust me on this one, Lions.

Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

On the plane to Jay Cutler's house, I was sitting next to a young whippersnapper in a G-Unit shirt who looked all of 17 years old. Big jeans on, perhaps three sizes too big. I could see his dick. And as he pulls out his iPod, what do I hear? Lo and behold, it's rap music. Pimps and hoes, bitches and tricks. What happened to the good old days in the music industry? Kid, if you want to listen to black people make music, check out some Otis Redding or some Sam Cooke. But spare me the TI stuff. Knowing that this kid was listening to Young Jeezy talk about coke and gun use ruined the entire flight experience for me, and I could not visualize the coffee I was about to pour all over myself naked upon landing. Mary Beth, I hope you aren't listening to this crap and dancing topless on tables when you go out with your friends. Because I'll beat the everliving fuck out of you.


Can you believe that when I landed and got to the nearest Starbucks, the barrista looked disinterested to hear my story from the plane? Here I am, with a great tale of rap-induced plane stress, and the 16-year old fresh faced young lady behind the counter goes through the motions with a blank stare on her face as I tell her of my plight. Come on Starbucks, you're better than this. "Melody", I'm sure that if you don't want to take your job seriously, Starbucks can find somebody else who will. I mean, we are in a recession. Kids these days. Can you believe them? We can only hope that this generation wises up as they grow older.

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