Monday, January 12, 2009

This is going to be easy

After seeing a few snippets of King's weekly typebortion, I just have a feeling that this is going to be the easiest one of these to date. It's almost not even genetically possible to squeeze as much retard into such a small space as a prime King quote, but somehow he does it just about every week. It's quite impressive.

On with the commenting.

Eli Manning had just been intercepted again by the Eagles with three minutes left in New Jersey late Sunday afternoon, and Philadelphia's 23-11 upset of the Giants was sealed. Right about then, Ken Whisenhunt's cell phone rang in his living room in Arizona.

This is why people hate you, Peter. You aren't cool. I'm sure Whisenhunt was just overcome with glee to see his phone ringing and Peter King on the other end as he realizes that the Cards will be hosting the NFC Championship game next week.

"You are not only playing in the NFC Championship game next Sunday,'' I said. "You are hosting the NFC Championship game next Sunday.''

"No fucking way!", Whisenhunt replied sarcastically.

McNabb, yanked in November, leads Eagles to fifth title game this decade.

McNabb, improbably yanked for a quarter, somehow beats the Vikings and Giants two months later.

It's weird, it's odd, it's what happens in the NFL every January. Flacco and Derrick Mason and Santonio Holmes and Larry Fitzgerald and Darnell Dockett and LaMarr Woodley and Brodrick Bunkley are bursting into our living rooms, and we don't know them, but we really like the stories they're writing.

I guarantee that they are not so much writing as much as they are running trains on your wife.

Remember the day of that Cardinals-Patriots game? A snowy, windswept day in Massachusetts, and it took three hours for the de-iced Cardinal charter to get off the ground in nearby Providence after the game because of weather. The team sat on the plane, stewing in its juices.

What the fuck did you just write? The team sat there stewing in the weather juices? Or was it their own personal juices? Did you mistakenly think it was the Cowboys team plane?

"Keep picking against us,'' Whisenhunt said.

Gladly. Your team is going to get fucking smoked next weekend. This cliche is probably my second least favorite, right behind "please use a condom because I don't know where you've been". I mean, there are two teams. Some people pick against you. But some people also pick you. And plus, I haven't been anywhere that would give me any STDs, so I have no idea what the fuck this chick is talking about. I haven't been to Baltimore in years.

David Akers' 20-yard field goal two minutes later made it a 12-point game with four minutes to go. Ballgame.

David Akers made a 9-point two score game a 12-point two score game. That didn't really change much at all.

It's back to the future for Manning ... and don't try to tell a real Giants fan the loss of Plaxico Burress didn't have much to do with the total collapse of the defending champs.

I will happily tell that to a real Giants fan. You just went over three scenarios where the Giants couldn't get a yard on the ground when they needed it despite their cabal of big, powerful running backs, and now you want to blame it on Plaxico Burress and his magical sweatpants.

If he's not back, Manning needs to campaign for a big receiver who can get open downfield.

If Plaxico goes to jail, Manning absolutely needs to campaign for one of the best receivers in the NFL. Seriously, "hey guys, go out a big WR who is also fast and can get open. Soooo, you know, Randy Moss maybe? We have $40 mil sitting around?".

Of course, the Giants did themselves no favors by allowing their most important offensive weapon on a windy, frigid day -- Brandon Jacobs -- to touch the ball on only 19 of 61 offensive plays. There were complete series where he never appeared on the field. And he carried it twice in the last 14 minutes of the first half. When the Giants look back at this game they'll wonder, why didn't we use this guy more.

Oh, Brandon Jacobs could have played quarterback? "Fuck me", said a melancholy Tom Coughlin after the game.

Joe Flacco for president! Recall Obama!


And the quarterback. "You know what I told him this week?'' Harbaugh said. "I don't think he'd mind me saying it. I told him, 'You're going to be the difference in this game. We're going after these guys with you. Don't back down.' ''

And after Flacco played his second mistake-free game of the playoffs -- he has no picks, fumbles or sacks in the Ravens' 2-0 playoff run -- I told him what Harbaugh said, and asked if it made him a little uneasy. Like, You don't have to put any more pressure on me than I already feel, coach.

Ok...after the game, you told Joe Flacco what John Harbaugh had already told Joe Flacco? And you are surprised that he didn't get nervous the second time he heard this? What doesn't impress Peter King?

In a corner of the locker room, Harbaugh said this after the game: "Joe's not a rookie. In fact, I would not trade him for any quarterback in football right now.'' Come on, I said. Peyton Manning? "No!'' he said. Tom Brady? "No! I'll take Flacco! Did he look like he was hesitant in any way with the game on the line? No!''

We have just learned that John Harbaugh might have an extra chromosome somewhere.

On the second possession of overtime, once the opposing team fields a punt or kickoff, the game is now in sudden death.

I don't have too many qualms with the rules section of his column, but how is this not also unfair? Instead of one team getting a 1-0 edge in possessions, one team will have a 2-1 edge if they score on this possession. It's more fair, but it's still not the perfect, easy fix that King touts it as.

The Panthers saw a lot of the back of Willie Parker during his 146-yard performance.

Assuming they were watching it from a reverse angle on TV, of course.

"We're the team you don't want to play right now,'' says Ed Reed. Right now? When exactly, this season, has anyone wanted to play this rolling ball of butcher knives?

I would probably just try to step out of the way of a rolling ball of butcher knives. How fast is this collection of knives rolling? If I threw something at it, would the ball of knives break apart? Also, this is the playoffs. I'm sure each team still in it would love to play the Lions, but you usually have matchups against other good teams in the conference championship games.

Nothing to be ashamed of. Now the Darren Sproles free-agency clock starts ticking.

Teams are killing themselves to get in line for Sproles, who turned in a masterful 11 carry, 15 yard performance yesterday. Feature back!

Happy trails to you, Aaron Salkin. You have been a heck of a PR man for the Niners, and you will be very good somewhere else.

Ahh, this is vintage King. Giving insight into the guys you don't hear about elsewhere. The team janitors. The coach's wives. And the PR guys. What would I do without this nugget of Aaron Salkin info? Probably start systematically killing kittens.

Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona. He's becoming a gentlemanly Randy Moss, right down to wearing the gloves on his facemask when the game's been decided.

I had no idea that wearing receiver gloves on your face was considered "gentlemanly".

In the divisional playoff rout of the Panthers, he caught eight balls for 166 yards with one touchdown, a gorgeous catch-and-run-and-extend-the-left-hand-with-the-ball just to the right cone at the goal line, on a perfect dive. There aren't many players in history who could have scored that touchdown.

Fitzgerald had some excellent catches in the two games. That one, however, I believe could have been duplicated by 90% of receivers in the NFL. He caught the ball wide-open 10 yards down the field, turned towards the end-zone, and put the ball across the line. Bob Hayes could make that play right now, and he's been dead for like 5 years.

But on Sunday, a rock-ribbed run defense never let Brandon Jacobs put a stranglehold on this game, and that was the winning insurance for Philadelphia.

"Rock-ribbed" again! Such a ridiculously meaningless adjective that he just had to use it again a month later. I still have no idea what it means. Did they play the game on gravel?

Holmes fielded it at the Pittsburgh 33, and when the Charger punt-coverage team strung out way too close to either sideline, Holmes traversed a snowy field 67 yards for the tying touchdown. He made a nifty move at the San Diego 10, stopping almost in his tracks while San Diego wideout Legedu Naanee (one of the best names in any sport) made a diving tackle try. Holmes stepped over him and pranced into the end zone.

And yet, Peter King doesn't think that Santonio Holmes could have made the play that Fitzgerald made.

Horrors! How can a coach beat players up in late December! One who learned the game under Joe Gibbs and Bill Cowher could do it, easily.

Honestly, I don't think Cowher was known for that. I also think it's kind of stupid and that the Cards were huge beneficiaries of playing Atlanta at home and then going up against Delhomme's performance, which I think was the worst quarterbacking performance I have ever seen in the NFL. He just threw right at defensive players for the entire game.

Jake Delhomme, QB, Carolina. Has any quarterback had a worse playoff game than Delhomme's five-interception, one-lost-fumble disaster Saturday night against Arizona? Unlikely. Brett Favre, in the 2001 playoffs, threw six picks against the Rams, but in that game, Favre was just throwing balls up throughout the second half trying to hit the lottery.

Of course he'll come up with an excuse for Favre. Maybe Favre could have tried to throw passes to his receivers like a normal QB. "Brett Favre threw 12 picks in one half against the Vikings in '03, but then I remembered that shower we shared and that his chin-stubble was like a natural loofa".

A stupid gripe first: I don't want to say it was too hot on my Newark-to-Nashville Continental flight the other morning, but the mini-Kit Kat in my lunch snack couldn't be opened because the chocolate was percolating inside.

Hey, I don't to say that this chick was too young, but she was so young that she should have been wearing a Vince Young jersey!

If Frazier is interviewing with the top Rams brass in Los Angeles today, he must be pretty far down the road with them.

Is this a mistake or do the Rams really hold head-coaching interviews in the city they moved from?

f. The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.

How is this a "what a country" moment? Do sporting teams in Botswana not advance in the playoffs if they don't have a better record than their opponent?

I think it's not oversimplifying the Denver decision to hire Josh McDaniels to say that Pat Bowlen sees McDaniels as Mike Shanahan redux.

He just fucking fired Mike Shanahan. If he liked this guy because he was like a new Mike Shanahan, why did he fire Mike Shanahan? Mike Shanahan is probably the second-most Mike Shanahan-ish coach in the NFL, behind Jacksonville Assistant Wide Receivers Coach Robert Prince.

Shanahan helped John Elway and Steve Young become great NFL players. McDaniels has had the same hands-on influence with Tom Brady and Matt Cassel. In his last year in the NFL, Elway called Shanahan "brilliant.'' In November, Cassel told me that McDaniels was "brilliant.'' Starting to see a trend?

I sure do. Introducing the next head coach of the Denver Broncos...the guy from the Guinness commercials!

k. Darren Sproles, 11 carries, 15 yards. That sends a chill or two up the spine of the Ravens' backs.

I'll bet that it doesn't. Plus, I think the Ravens and Steelers have met.

I think Florida quarterback Tim Tebow made the right decision to stay in school, only because so many college players leave early and later regret it. But I think it's nuts to hear the speculation that he might not have been picked until the third or fourth round had he entered the draft. That's where Mel Kiper put him the other day. I'm not blaming Mel; there's lots of that talk out there. But to suggest he's some sort of maladroit (there's your PKWOTW) and marginal prospect is demeaning and downright wrong. I will bet a lot of money that when Tebow comes out, he won't get past New England in the second round; as much as Bill Belichick is around Urban Meyer and that program, I bet he's become a huge Tebow fan as a football player -- quarterback, goal-line back, something.

How about a weekly segment of "Peter King knows nothing about college football and yet attempts to break it down"? This is another snippet that deserves it's own post. You think Bill Belichick thinks he's a good college player, so he'll draft him in the second round as a fucking goalline back? There is a reason that Mel Kiper gets paid big money to watch college football all year and break down draft prospects (even though he's not the best in that department anymore) and you write a stupid weekly column bemoaning the fact that 7-5 Rutgers isn't in the fucking Orange Bowl. Did nobody see Tebow throw two picks right into Oklahoma defenders? If OU converts their goalline chances, we are sitting here talking about Tebow's less than NFL caliber passing. Instead, since they won on the strengths of huge defensive stands, Tebow is a hot prospect to quarterback an NFL team. You are downright wrong, Peter King.

I agree with Meyer's assessment: "When I hear people say, 'I wonder if he can play in the first round,' then I don't know what football is. I don't have any idea what happens in the NFL.'' You tell 'em, Urban. We've got Dan Orlovsky and Shaun Hill and Tyler Thigpen starting in the NFL, and we're debating if a 6-2, 240-pound determined winner should be picked among the top 64 picks in the draft? Interesting.

Yes, we really trust college coaches on NFL-related issues. Don't most of them completely suck in the NFL? Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, et. al....these are the guys whose opinions you are taking as gospel? We've got Tyler Thigpen coming out of nowhere to throw 18 TDs to 11 picks for the fucking Chiefs and you are saying that the NFL scouts don't know what the fuck they are talking about? Tebow is 6-2, 240 lbs and a determined winner. Great. Should the Chicago Blackhawks draft him, too? Forget his throwing ability, he's big and he would rather win than lose. Draft him over Tyler Thigpen, who has only done really well in the NFL for a terrible team. I mean, Urban Meyer said we should! Urban Meyer probably doesn't have any idea what football is in the NFL. Hey guys, Danny Wuerffel's available!

Wes Welker's caught more balls than anyone in football over the last two years, and he's done it playing with two quarterbacks when everyone on defense knows he's going to be the target 10 to 12 times every game.

Which big time receiver isn't going to be targeted that often? In fact, many will be targeted more because they don't have Randy fucking Moss on the other side of the field. Also, if it was a vote for 2007-2008 All-Pro, then fine. If not, it doesn't matter a single fucking iota that Wes Welker caught a lot of passes last year. If you think that Welker is better than Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson and so on, then that's fine. It's your opinion. It's also probably horribly wrong.

Coffeenerdness: Hard by the campus of Vanderbilt is a Starbucks on West End Avenue, and if you went in there over the weekend, you saw (presumably) Vanderbilt students come in by the dozens, looking like they just got out of bed, some in pajama pants, and I think about half the girls in Uggs boots. Starbucks has it figured out -- or did, until they started building stores across the street from each other. Get kids hooked on tasty caffeine early, and it'll last a lifetime.

Very smart of Starbucks to sell coffee to everybody who wants it. I mean, really...their business plan is just incredible.


Cotter said...

"Very smart of Starbucks to sell coffee to everybody who wants it. I mean, really...their business plan is just incredible."

I don't know if this is also part of some covert, guerrilla marketing scheme, but I saw a bum pluck a Starbucks cup out of a trashcan this morning to use to collect money.

Brand recognition is everything.

Rage said...

"...Delhomme's performance, which I think was the worst quarterbacking performance I have ever seen in the NFL. He just threw right at defensive players for the entire game."

Oh how easily you seem to have forgotten the horrendous post-season performance by Neil O'Donnell in what? 1995? I am scarred for fucking life by that turd with lips' performance.

Vern said...

I'm sure you were just joking, but Delhomme's performance was soooo much worse than O'Donnell's in that Super Bowl.

Rage said...

but the o'donnell performance hurt so much worse than delhomo's...and of all teams to have a meltdown against...the shame...the shame

Vern said...

Well of course it would to us.

But O'Donnell might have won that game against Arizona. Delhomme in that Super Bowl and it's a 67-3 loss.