Tuesday, June 3, 2008

99 problems but a bitch ain't one

Yep. So I've always wondered what Jay-Z's 99 problems were, as he famously opined in his song...well, "99 Problems". All we know is that a bitch ain't one. Well, if a famous, wildly successful rapper like Jay-Z can have 99 bitchless problems, then surely a guy scraping by on the meager salary of a lumberjack should have just as many, if not more. So, I have decided to itemize them.

1. The car needs serviced
2. My shoes are all scuffed up, man
3. The status bar doesn't blink when I get a new message in gmail chat
4. I suck at ironing shirts...really, I'm freaking terrible
5. I'm getting terrible gas mileage
6. The Pens need to really step up their puckhandling if they want to win games 6 and 7
7. I have to do all of this stuff for work but I have no motivation
8. OMG I'm so hammered off of Zimas right now
9. Atlanta this weekend? 8 am flight Saturday? To work all weekend? Gay
10. It's hot as hell outside, and that sucks when you are a lumberjack and have to cut down trees all day
11. I haven't set any high scores in the punch-the-bag game yet
12. Beer costs money
13. I have to actually wake up in the mornings
14. The calluses on my hands are no good for jackin' it
15. I am not an eagle yet in Halo
16. All of my pens suck
17. There is WAYYYYY too much techno played around me on a daily basis
18. I just cut my hair short and could probably sell ad space on my forehead
19. I have to park under trees at work and that gets the whip dirty
20. It says that this milk has a "sell by" date of 4 days ago, but is it still drinkable?
21. I don't think that this detergent is leaving my colors vibrant enough
22. Am I gangster enough?
23. They don't make Rogaine for a receding pube-line
24. I can't solve this expert Sudoku puzzle
25. I don't agree at all with Matt Schaub's rating in Madden '09
26. Enzyte does not make me smile like the guy on the commercial
27. I'm having real problems uploading a song to my Myspace page
28. I think I may have killed a guy
29. I drafted Jarrod Saltalamacchia as my starting catcher in my fantasy baseball league
30. Gerald Laird is Mexican!?!?!
31. I can't really decide on a font that I like
32. I'm supposed to eat like, vegetables and stuff, but I don't like them as much as cows
33. I need some new jeans
34. My watch sucks
35. Gunpowder Jones hasn't blown up yet!
36. I have a weak internet signal
37. I don't really trust this homemade meth that I just created
38. I'm hungry, but I would like to eat souls
39. The batteries on my calculator are running low
40. I can't get any studio time for my rhymes
41. I'm not moving any bricks or rocks or anything like that
42. Why the fuck does Taco Bell pair the grilled stuft burrito with nachos in combo 2? I don't want any damn nachos
43. I hope it's not a man on the other end of this glory hole
44. I don't have speakers at work
45. I can't find the ticket for a free Whopper that I have laying around somewhere
46. Seriously, I don't want any fucking nachos
47. Pushups hurt
48. There is no PBR in South Florida!!!!
49. Every time I shotgun Busch Light my keys get all nasty
50. I could bottle ballsweat by the liter right now
51. This keyboard is dirty as fuck
52. Microsoft Word makes me want to punch my monitor
54. I went to college! So I'm in debt
55. I got a car! So I'm in debt
56. My damn car insurance tripled in Florida
57. Who the hell stole my jizzrag?
58. I don't think I can sleep without a steady dose of Colt 45
59. While I may be God's gift to women, I'm certainly not God's gift to chemical engineering
60. I think my hairline is melting away faster than the glaciers
61. I'm still paying off the mortgage I took out to get a Bud Light at a bar last weekend
62. I lost my damn moped key in Key West
63. I don't think I can afford to live down here after December
64. Did I just piss in my own sink?
65. I think this list is giving me Carpal Tunnel
66. The air conditioning is kind of f-ed up in my room
67. Great, another friend request from a Myspace spammer
68. Willie Parker owes me $20
69. Yeah, I'm probably a pretty healthy candidate for a DUI right about now
70. My mousepad needs replaced pretty badly
71. I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this
72. If I stare at this computer any longer my eyes are going to evaporate
73. I don't even think I'd have a good standard of living in Haiti on this salary
74. God damn it, every time I go in the ocean I get salt in my eyes
75. What the hell are you doing, Malkin?
76. Somebody just spilled beer on me
77. I am probably going to get caught in the rain with the top down today
78. Our carpet is dirtier than Jenna Jameson's after a hard day's work
80. Thank you, emailers, but I don't want to order any Viagra at this moment in time
81. I hate my commute
82. I am running out of fucking paperclips!
83. I don't know if I'll be able to get time off to visit my family for Kwanzaa
84. I haven't made it rain in months
85. No one is impressed by my ability to properly spell Reykjavik
86. I have no idea what Paul Castronovo and Sir Winston Churchill have in common
87. I think I'm coming down with something...like, AIDS
88. These documents aren't going to PDF themselves
89. I don't know the Boot Scootin' Boogie at Round Up yet
90. My hookup for cheap roofies moved to Wisconsin
91. My globe does not have "Eritrea" on it, and is therefore outdated
92. I just made that up, as I do not have a globe, but I really want one
93. Tim Tebow already circumcised the children in Pakistan, leaving one less career choice for me to pursue
94. My microphone will not record in stereo
95. If this computer freezes one more time I swear I will cock-whip it
96. My penis hurts from cock-whipping this computer
97. These Magnum condoms don't fit and I can't find my receipt to return them
98. I am out of small children to sacrifice to Dave Thomas
99. I never beat Oregon Trail without choosing the banker

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