Let's talk weather

Oh man, it's freaking blazin' out there! It's hot as balls!

Correction...it is not "hot as balls". That is a nonsensical statement. Look. You've heard cold as balls. You've heard hot as balls. Obviously, balls are not some kind of temperature chameleon that can blend in and assume any fucking temperature they want. These are not magic balls. So let's get this straight once and for all.

I propose leaving "cold as balls" as is. Mainly, because it is simple. If we allow the default "...as balls" temperature to be cold, we can also use it to describe heat with a minor modification. Assuming that balls is not a temperature, but more of a multiplier or a qualifier, we can assume the balls value on a nice, temperate day to hover around a base value of zero. Assigning a zero-value to this level will make the rest of the calculations very simple. Thus, on a cold day, being "cold as balls" will assume a negative value for the "balls multiplier" that we are assigning to the temperature. "Hey, Vern, it's like 260 degrees out here!", a friend might mention to me. "I know, it's cold as balls!", I'd say. Note that my friends and I use the Kelvin scale, and as such, 260 degrees Kelvin is actually equal to -13.15 degrees Celsius, or 8.33 degrees Fahrenheit. Cold as balls, indeed.

Now how do we flip this to measure heat? Simple. What is the absolute value of a negative number? Simply the positive value of it, denoting it's distance from zero. Aha! So, when it's 95 freaking degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, you can use the positive value of the balls multiplier by saying that it is as hot as the absolute value of balls. Or just absolute balls, which would be acceptable colloquially. "Hey, Vern, it's fucking hot as absolute balls out here!". Know what you are talking about, people. Let's make this world a better place.