Friday, June 20, 2008

Craigslist Experiment

Let's see what this nets me. Probably an endless array of South Florida whores ready and willing to be on the receiving end of the pleasure piston.



As follows:


You could use a fist in your vagina (m4w) - 24 (Davie, FL)

Elbow deep. That's how I roll. I will fist you down to my forearms. And my forearms aren't huge, but I do work out a bit, so they are pretty hard. And have a lot of veins. So it will probably feel good. Real good. Don't believe me? Well, let's find out. Live your life with no regrets. Respond to this message. I'll come right over and punch you in the fucking vagina. Ever see those things in bars where you punch the speed bag type thing and it gives you a score? Well, if they had one like a vagina, I'd be over 950. These shoulder ligaments are fast twitch and they were made for fisting. Fists of fucking fury, baby. I will stretch you further than the credit of one of those $30,000-K South Florida douchebags driving Benzes. I will go so far past the G-spot that I might choke you to death from the inside. But it will feel good.

Listen. When it comes to fisting, I should probably bring DJ Khaled with me, so right before I throw my arm down your reproductive cavity, he can sit there and shout "WE THE BESSSTTTT!". Because I am the best. I am to fisting what Charlie Crist is to sucking dick on the DL. Or what Laci Peterson wasn't to swimming. The opposite. Yeah. That's me. I fill a hole in your life, and that pun was so intended that I actually sprained two of my fingers typing it out. I mean it that badly. That. Fucking. Badly. You want me to take my rings off? No. I don't even wear rings, but I'm insulted nonetheless that you'd even ask. I'll put on a huge ring just to spite you. These rings will be bigger than Sonic the Hedgehog's. How's that feel? Are you bleeding? Too bad. Should have scotch-guarded this furniture.

But it doesn't have to be all animosity between us. I'm here for one thing, to make you feel good. I know you haven't had a good elbow-deep fisting in awhile. That's why you called me. And I'm not just going to come over wearing flip-flops and an Affliction t-shirt. No way. Let's make a show of this. I will show up to your door in full fucking Medieval chainmail. Wielding one of those spiked balls on a stick. You'll pretty much be wetter than the Everglades at this point. Sliding my fist down your vagina will be easier than getting shot in Hialeah. I am to fisting what Key West is to the homeless...the pinnacle. The apex. THE MECCA. How could you turn this down? Don't be a fucking idiot. You don't even have to give me anything. Wanna jack me off? Cool. But I don't need it. I work off much less than the other guys. I'm like a Scion.

So don't blow this opportunity. I don't come on Craigslist everyday looking for somewhere to bury half of my arm. Let me tear you apart like R. Kelly on a hymen. I'll make you remember this day. You'll get nostalgic every time you see somebody get stuck in a Chinese fingertrap. I'll make you feel like a vise grip once I get down to the triceps. I want to make you feel good, you saucy little minx, you. I've included a picture of me wearing a Jim Harbaugh throwback jersey, just so you know that I'm for real. That's my medieval chainmail in the back, hanging on my...uh, medieval chainmail hanging thing. Hit me up.

1 comment:

BlueDevilyn said...

Count me in, you know how much my "reproductive cavity" needs it, baby!

You're a f'ing should be published...and be completely adamant that all your books are only allowed in the "Self-Help" section at the bookstore.