Wednesday, June 18, 2008
How to impress 13 year old girls
Let's face it. It's getting harder and harder to impress 21+ year old women these days without just walking up and showing your penis to them. Money works, but if you are like me, then you don't have any. Something like a Lamborghini would do the trick, but that usually requires money. Magic tricks might work, but magicians never give away their secrets. So, short of magic or juggling, it has become very hard these days to impress women. Rapping to them doesn't hold the same appeal that it used to back when everyone was afraid of black people.
But never fear.
13 year old girls are very easy to impress. Sure, you can't do anything with them, but you might sleep easier knowing that you just impressed the fuck out of some young 8th-grader. And it's probably a whole lot easier than you think. Here are some three tips.
Step 1: Drive a car
"Is that your '01 Chevy Cavalier? That's so cool!"
That's right, folks. A 13 year old girl will think you are cool even if you are just driving a Chevy Cavalier. Or even a Subaru Legacy. Trust me. Why, you ask? Because 13 year old girls can't drive. And if you aren't in Florida, then they probably don't even know what a Benz is or at least are unaware of what makes an Audi R8 any better than a Ford Taurus. Even better, a 13 year old girl will be impressed if you drive by with the windows down and the FM radio blasting, even if there isn't any music on it right now and it's just playing an ad for the hair salon down the street. 13 year old girls probably don't even know how gay hair salons are yet. Look at you, you big stud. Look at those 14-inch hubcaps spin.
Step 2: Have a cell phone
13 year old girls love cell phones. I really cannot overstate how cool they find them to be. Bonus points if you have one of those bluetooth adapter things on your ear. You'll be the coolest guy at the junior high when you hop out of your Oldsmobile while calling Verizon to check your monthly text message usage.
Speaking of text messages, 13 year old girls will find you even cooler if you show advanced levels of proficiency in T9Word, a language that most of them speak fluently. Even if you do not, open up your phone, randomly press buttons, and snap it shut. Yeah. Pretend that you do. It doesn't matter. They are 13 year old girls, they are going to think you are cool regardless. Also, have a friend call you right as you walk past a pack of 13 year old girls so that your phone rings and they can hear your Fallout Boy ringtone. You'll impress the young, fertile fuck out of them.
Step 3: Touch the rim
13 year old girls spend much of their days around 13 year old boys. And part of this time is spent at recess or in gym class, where there will likely be a basketball rim nearby. These 13 year old boys will probably try to jump up and touch the rim, but most, if not all, will be lucky just to get the net.
But you? You can probably touch the rim pretty easily, if not hang on it. This will impress the hell out of that pack of 13 year old girls listening to their iPod Shuffles over there. This will show them just how much cooler you are than your 13 year old male counterparts, after which you can put the icing on the cake by pulling out your cell phone as you hop in your Cavalier. Sure, it's not like this actually accomplished anything for you, but you will be able to drive home (with the tank on E, of course) a happy man, knowing that you impressed some females today. You are a real badass, dude. Oh yeah.