Friday, June 27, 2008

The gayest periods in American history

Honorable Mention: The late 1700's

Oh God, is that gay. Everybody was prancing around in tights and wigs and talking like fucking douchebags. This document bestows unto thee etc. etc. Ridiculous. I wonder how you talked dirty to your prostitutes? Oh, that's right, you probably didn't. Because you were gay and out banging dudes in powdered wigs. And using quill pens. How gay is a quill pen? Very. Very gay.

Number 3: The 1970's

No doubt. Look at that fucking skank. Everybody was so gay for Disco in the '70s that it was almost enough to vault it into the top 3 by itself. Those gay pants, gay shirts, gay dances, pretty much the epitome of gay expression. There's is really no better way to say "Gayness? Yeah, I'm cool with that" through your actions and body language. This had to be the time frame in which Nair was invented. Nair, by the way, is simply made of ball sweat that has been allowed to sit for 3 days and solidify. Just rub that all over your body, baby.

But that's not all the '70s had for gayness. Sure, all of the hippies and treehuggers started hugging trees and everything during the '60s, but these movements didn't really take off until the '70s. What is gayer than environmentalism? Plus, at least in the '60s they were dropping acid and fucking each other. In the '70s, they just seemed to stop doing so. Plus, the hip drug was cocaine, and nothing makes you want to suck some dick than coke. You'll even suck dick for coke. Suck some dick for something that makes you want to suck some dick? Fuck yeah. Sign me up.

Feminism also took off in the 1970s, and you know that there is nothing gayer than lesbians who could fix the alternator on your pickup truck. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Amendment legalizing women's suffrage (fortunately, woman's sufferage has always been legal), a bunch of feminists banded together and voted to shotgun PBRs and piss all over each other through their camo shorts. Jeez. Talk about gay history.

Number 2: The 1980's

The difference between the rest of the eras and the 80's is the difference between figurative gayness and actual, literal gayness. And it is hard to top the '80s for actual gayness. Dudes were banging each other in gay bathhouses all over the country and spreading AIDS like birth defects at Chernobyl. Dudes were flying all over the country to fuck other dudes. That's pretty gay. Nearly 1 in 2 people had AIDS in 1986, however, Ronald Reagan was able to pray away much of the spread around this time. Doesn't make it any less gay.

On top of the actual gayness, the music was gay. Catchy, but gay. Many people took the challenge to dress even gayer than they did in the '70s, and most were able to pull it off. Doesn't get much gayer than some chick in a spandex leotard singing along to "Let's Get Physical". Also, after AIDS hit, a lot of people were automatically outed as gays and gayness started to become acceptable in the world. And what is gayer than the acceptance of gayness? I racked my brain to think of an answer but all I could hear were lyrics to Steve Winwood songs.

Number 1: The 1920's

Can't let literal gayness beat figurative gayness. And in that respect, nothing touches the "Roaring Twenties". Grrrrrrrrr! Ohhhh, stop clawing me! God, were they gay. They had gay slang, they were all in black and white, they had gay primitive videos where everything moved about so quick and gayly, and even their little cars were gay looking. They were like those gay Scions without the horsepower.

Weird, even as America was all ego-trippin' after doing work in WWI, you don't hear about baby boomers from the 1920's. Why's that? Because they probably weren't having heterosexual sex with each other. Swing music was big. So were books. Swing music and books? And plays? That almost makes you go gay just reading about it. Plus, everybody was closet-gay. J. Edgar Hoover was prancing around in dresses, for fuck's sake. And, alcohol was illegal, as this was in the midst of prohibition. No alcohol? Swing music? Cocks were being shoved together like immigrants in box trucks at this point. Like snakes crawling all over each other. At the same time, the women who had just received the right to vote didn't even realize it yet because they hadn't taken their face out of the nearest snatch in 8 years. What a bunch of big band swing-dancing homos. Everybody should be glad they didn't grow up in the '20s.

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