Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Preparing for 2020
There exist only twelve short years between now and 2020, a year in which I will make my glorious run towards the presidency of this country (which I'm hoping will still exist). In February of the year 2019, I will turn 35, old enough to assume a very important position amongst World leaders and, more importantly, in your hearts.
If I were running today, I'd likely hurt my knee again and lay on the Oregon roads like a broad lololololol. Ok, if I were running for president today, I'd likely run as a Democrat, not because I want to tax oil or mandate gay hybrids and sodomy or anything like that, but because I really don't care enough about gay marriage to take a position on it, and that goes for top or bottom. Really, I don't care if the gays marry or not. Don't care. That would make me a poor Republican, along with the fact that I hate fetuses and want to strip them of their rights. Maybe things will change by 2020, like, if I get rich or all of the sudden start hating black gays. We'll see.
But I'm not running today. I'm running in 2020. That gives me 12 years to start my own party, and so I give to you, the LEMONPARTY.
I will be pleased to accept the Lemon Party nomination for president in 2020, running on our platform of making new decisions independent of previous decisions and offering strong support to old men engaging in group sex acts. I will also use the time to make a college ex-girlfriend really jealous that...well, I'm running for freaking president! Look at me now! I would bang every woman that I came across in bars. Really, I would just point at them and tell them that we are leaving. And I have a great line to put right here but I'm not going to do it because I'm a relatively nice guy. Moving on...
Ok, there is a lot of dirt on me, I guess, as far as politics go. Really, I haven't done anything wrong, but I have a bunch of pictures and such out there in which I am not behaving presidentially. These are accessible on Mr. Gore's internets. However, my opponent will likely have them, too. I expect 2020 to be the "Myspace Presidency". Both candidates around this time will likely have some stuff on Myspace come back to haunt them. For example, this picture. I will release all of my pictures before my opponent can dig them up. I'm calling it the 8 Mile strategy. Karl Rove will be jealous that I thought of it first. I will also release all of my CDs that I created as Gunpowder Jones. If anything, being president would give a boost to my career. Go ahead, world, listen to me rap about hymens. Hopefully the world will lighten up and realize that it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things, since my opponent once killed a man and left his state deeply in debt after his term as governor. Of Kansas. Yes, I'm running against the Kansas governor.
There is only one hurdle to my campaign, however...my opponent professes that he has strong faith. Uh oh. Sure, he may have raped a few drunken 18 year olds three years ago, but he has faith! He goes to church! This threatens to derail my campaign until...
...his preacher is caught preaching about the merits of molesting alter boys, submarining my opponents chances. I drive into my nomination parade in a blue Lamborghini with the top down blasting whichever 2020 rapper is the most similar to Young Jeezy.
Thug life, fuckers. I will freestyle rap my inauguration speech. And you better believe I'm taking my official presidential portrait in my mirror with my cell phone and pulling my shirt up to show off the abs. That will get housewife votes in 2024 when I run for reelection. And my reelection will go off without a hitch because...
- I will have cut 90% of funding to homeless shelter programs. Hey, the homeless don't vote, right? Fuck 'em. The people that do vote will have more money in their pockets.
- I will quadruple taxes on the highest 1% of earners. That will leave 99% of the non-homeless population pretty happy, I would imagine, since I pretty much cut their taxes completely.
- I will have personally swordfucked manatees into extinction. 7 people will care, the rest will be glad that these ugly ass seacows have been wiped from the face of the Earth.
- I will have acted on John McCain's 1,000-year Iraq Withdrawal Strategy and brought four soldiers home. After doing so, I immediately sent them to North Korea as part of Operation Curious Moose, better known as the Pyongyang Surge.
- After the destruction from 2021's Hurricane Evgeni, I will have banned any rebuilding of Miami and eventually just given it to Cuba. Plans to offer the entire state of Florida to the Caribbean have been drafted.
- I attended the high school graduation of John Craft, the first Georgia high schooler to graduate from a Georgia high school with honors.
- I just took Canada's oil. 90% of their population lives within 200 miles or so from the U.S. border, so all we really had to do was bring some guns and drills and fly over them when it was dark. To assauge the Canadians, we moved the Phoenix Coyotes back to Winnipeg.
Really, this presidential stuff can't be that hard. How do you piss off 75% of the people? Just do things that 51% like and you are golden. Hasn't anyone shown these guys a pie chart?