Friday, September 5, 2008

I did not come before you today to suck your dick, friend

While I am aware that I usually only come around these parts with the interests of sucking your dick in mind, today I come with an important message that I must convey. You may ask, "governor Crist, can't you suck my dick anyway?", to which I reply, I sure can and I intend to do so immediately after our chat, my friend. However, I first must make you aware of the grave dangers we may face if we do not prepare for this big, fat, thick hurricane coming our way in the warm, salty waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Hurricane Ike is no joke right now as it spins counter-clockwise with sustained winds of up to 150 mph, making it a category 4 hurricane. Friend, please put your dick away until I finish informing you of the state of emergency I have just declared. I fully intend to suck your dick like it's never been sucked after I finish my message. I swear, I will swallow up your seed with a force that will make Ike look like an afternoon drizzle. But first, please heed my warnings.

I strongly suggest stocking up on a few weeks worth of supplies, as power could be out for a month or more after a direct hit. Please keep your gas tanks full, as any station that actually has gas will be inundated by those who did not prepare for this storm. Please secure all faulty doors and implement barriers on all exposed windows. Projectiles will likely be hurdled through the air by the strong winds of this storm, flying unpredictably from all angles like a blindfolded bukkake session, so please, stay away from these windows when the storm hits.

And I promise to all Florida citizens that in the aftermath of this storm, I will do everything in my power to bring back a state of normalcy to our fine state. I will leave no individual behind, no cry for help ignored, and no dick unsucked. We are a strong, resilient group, my friends. And we will not allow a hurricane to disrupt us as we pursue any and every unsucked dick that we can get our mouths on. So please, my friend, prepare for the worst, just in case. It's much better to be safe than to be sorry.

Ok, I guess I'll suck your dick now.

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