Friday, July 25, 2008

I could be the first dick-sucking president!

Greetings to my Florida constituency from your honorable governor, Charlie Crist. I come before you today to talk about offshore oil-drilling and to make several gay jokes in relation to oil-drilling, because if there is one thing I like to pound home harder than my political positions, it's hot male ass. I pound ass so violently that I've had a few reconstructive ass-surgery techniques named after me. But that's not the reason that I am appearing before you today in all of my exotic-tanned glory.

As you likely already know, gas has gotten expensive as fuck. And while we here in Florida depend heavily on our tourism industry, things have gotten to the point where our hardworking citizens are struggling to afford the gas that powers their Ford F-150 American Dreammobiles. And to this, I say open up the offshore drilling, before the Cubans, the Chinese, and the other slanty-eyed or dark people from foreign non-American nations get here and gobble it up first, like the last dick at the glory hole, sucking every last drop of delicious semen from the huge dick that represents our American way. And let me tell you, if there's any area that I have experience in, it's doing what's right for Florida, and sucking every single dick that I come across.

I am a man of ambitions, just as many of you are, have been, or will be. I want nothing more than to represent my fellow Floridians at the highest level of the land, the Oval Office of the White House, standing tall for what's right and for what I and my people believe in. And along the way, I must admit, I'm likely to suck a fucking lifetime's worth of dick. I will focus the same energy that I focus on sucking every ounce of energy out of a dick on getting things done for the American people the right way. What is the right way, you ask? Why don't you ask me that question again while I'm sucking the life out of your dick. I'm like a wind-tunnel with grey hair, but the hair is not what I'm talking about when I talk about "just for men".

So please, Floridians, join me in voicing the message to the current administration that we demand that off-shore drilling be implemented off of the Florida coast. We demand that the government do everything in their power to relieve from us the extreme burden of this terrible gas crisis. And we demand that they enact a resolution with the same swiftness with which I disrobe an unsuspecting young male and swallow his dick like a 5 year old on a Flintstone vitamin. And I will lead this charge, Florida, like an F-5 dick-sucking tornado leveling everything in its path.

Thank you for your time. And anyone who would like to meet me in my office to, uh, talk...uh, talk about politics, well, you know where to find me.


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